My partners ex has been telling their 8 year old daughter that she is fat.
She is far from fat.
This 8 year old worries about how many calories are in the food she eats. She even tries to calculate her days worth to make sure she hasn't had to much.
She eats generally pretty healthy but likes snacks like any kid.
She is a taller girl but has been told by her mum's side of the family that just her weight makes her obese according to Google.
I have shown her with her weight and height that she is normal. And explained the calculations are not just done on weight and age.
She also has told me she is fat because she has rolls when she is sitting. I explained even very for people can have rolls when sitting and there is nothing wrong with that.
I know from personal experience this type of talk to a young child can be very damaging.
My partner is afraid to bring this up with his ex as she does not like to discuss things of this nature. My partner wants to avoid drama.
He knows this is not fair of his daughter. But his ex can be toxic if things don't go her way or anything is bought up.
They do not have a custody agreement currently as they are generally good a sharing time. But she does threaten to stop letting his daughter come to our house over the smallest things.
How should we bring this up? As I feel it's important for my step child not to be made to feel this way.
7 Replies
Gosh, what a horrible situation for the child.
It’s a tough one. Unfortunately if dad doesn’t get on board there is not much you can do.
Personally I’d get her a health check from a GP. Maybe a good GP and registered dietitian can back you up with information and facts that your step daughter can take on board.
Holy crap maybe Mum needs to visit the hospital and visit the anorexic teenagers and young adults who have body image issues and hopefully wake the f up! I would be pretty mad. My 18 year old daughters Aunty told her shouldn't wear short shorts with her thighs, she's a size 10! Took so much convincing to tell her she looks fine. Some people just have no idea what they are doing to young people's heads when they say this stuff.
To play devil's advocate, she may be saying that she has a bit of fat on and needs to watch her snacking temporarily? I comment when my children get some pudge, have lots of good conversations about healthy choices and that treats are just that, treats (thus not every day) and also point out how 1 week of better choices has them fit and trim again. I explain that small changes avoid gaining weight where it's a problem because losing weight is very hard once it's on. Neither of my children have poor body image or an unhealthy focus on foods/weight. I wish some parents spoke about this more. The number of genuinely obese children at my kids' school us very sad. Perhaps mum is trying to do the right thing and it's being taken out of context?
You can play whoever's advocate you like but no normal 8 year old is going to talk about calories, BMI etc - they're not even going to know where to find that information so it is clear that those family members have gone pretty in depth with this poor kid and that is f**ked up! My little girl is the same age and this hurts me. I'm not at a healthy weight at the moment, and I'm struggling with my own feelings around that but I never talk about my body issues at home. We only ever talk about eating well, moving our bodies and getting the energy we need from lots of sources, limiting treats. I do notice when she pudges up a bit but it is always quickly followed by a growth spurt and she leans out - that's normal for little kids. I don't believe that micromanaging it is necessary. Keeping a loose hold on the reins and not obsessing about it.
Depends on the household. I'm an allied health practitioner and my kids have scientific brains. My 8 year old boy knows all of this because he asks probing questions. He also has a basic understanding of neurology, how certain medications work, muscle fibre types and how they influence what types of running someone might be good at... You name it. His 5 year old sister has a fair understanding too, just because she listens to me answer his questions. With my son, if I am addressing something in relation to his disability, I explain the physiology behind the medication he's having etc because that's what works for him. This mum might be trying to get her daughter to have an understanding of why certain foods are sometimes foods etc. I'm not saying she has done the right thing, I'm just saying that it's hard to know how this information was discussed (positively or negatively) if we weren't there. If the step mum that posted this agrees with the mum that healthy food choices are important, explains that it's hard to consume too much food if we keep treats to sometimes foods or small servings and have a degree of activity each day and gently includes information about weight not being the only thing to consider and explaining height/muscle density /bone density etc also have an impact then she can add in some perspective (if it's missing) without undermining the mum.
Oh... Just because sometimes bio/step parent relationships get tense on here, giving additional information without undermining is more for the child's benefit not too confuse. I.e. My daughter at 4 was taught sugar isn't healthy and started questioning whether everything had sugar. I added to her understanding of that (rather than contradicting the teacher) so that she learnt that sugar is in a lot of foods naturally that are really healthy (like fruits and vegetables) and that we only need to limit processed sugar and explained what processed meant.
I have worked in adolescent mental health where there was a young girl who was a frequent flyer and her mum would tell her she was letting herself go, This poor young lady would avoid food, hide it or regurgitate it. In one admission she was taken in to the clinical ward to insert an NG tube in because she was close to Death’s doorstep. This young girl’s dad wasn’t around so unfortunately she was unable to get away from the toxic environment. Your step daughter is lucky because she has you and her dad. I’m not a mother but I would try and opt for 50/50 custody because at the moment your partner has no say on how his daughter is raised and by trying to keep peace, he is essentially playing a part in jeopardising her physical and mental health.