Husband opened up last night that he’s not happy in the relationship. He’s still in love with me but he’s missing parts of his old life. Basically in a nutshell... he said I’m very different to the past women he has dated when it comes to intimacy. I’m more reserved, too reserved and he’s struggling and turning a lot to porn.
Our sex life has definitely decreased. I’m currently pregnant and have a toddler. I don’t want to lose my husband and want to improve our sex life though.
I’m looking for advice on how I as a shy, reserved girl can bring out my wild side? How can I spice up the sex life? Please ‘wild’ ladies share what you do in the bedroom as I need ideas. He is missing spontaneity.
23 Replies
So I think it's important that he knows that pregnancy and early motherhood generally zaps a lot of that sex drive away. My kids are 3 and 5, so we're two years apart and from my first pregnancy to until my second was probably a year old, our sex life was shot. It's only now, that I am getting that steamy passion back other wise it's generally been a chore for me.
I think if he is decent, he will be able to understand that these things have a massive affect on you. My partner has always said, of course he'd live to have more sex but he'd rather not me do it in pity of him. He's rather me actually want it too. I don't know if he ever watches open but that's his choice if he does, that part has nothing to do with me, it's his body and if he needs to, he needs to.
Editing to add. Realise I never answered the actual question. To spice things up, I think it's basically all in our head. So try and amp if up for yourself all day. I find if I talk Myself up during the day, I am more in the mood. But that does take a bit of work. We also brought sex toys into the mix a few months ago, not that we really use them a lot but that was exciting and different. And I've recently convinced myself that it's okay to be a bit sneaky and chuck in a quickly while the kids are awake which is something I've never ever been able to bring myself to do. He love that hahahaha
Sex toys worked for me. My favourite is the we-vibe pivot. Gets me every time. Different locations around the house and try different positions. Set the mood, or send dirty texts to build it up. But honestly my sex life dies a bit during and definitely in the first 6 months of having a baby. It's hard to be in the mood when you're tired. Focus on what you like though - the more you enjoy it the more you want to do it
Hubby needs to grow up. I can't actually believe he would put that on you right now. No I can because I was with someone similar. Just because they're 'honest'doesnt mean they're not wildly out of order and need a huge attitude adjustment. Be careful as it's confusing until you're fucking exhausted and miserable. I see how hes attacked you at your core and you've really taken that blame on yourself... that's a huge flag to me. FYI nobody is wild, with a toddler and pregnant/ newborn, it's ok if sex is non-existent. Its the very last thing he should be making an issue out of.
Speak for yourself. Many women enjoy sex more during pregnancy. Good on him and them as a couple for being brave enough to talk about what must be a very difficult subject. He obviously loves her very much and wants to be honest. Seems like he has delivered it in a manner that she can see that too.
I am speaking for myself.
How about you take your own advice there and fuck off with your 'brave'.
His timing, entitlement, blaming and unhappiness stinks to me I don't care how honestly he delivered it. That's a warning she may or may not need, Ill add another one now too - many women will speak over you to tell you he must really love you so much, hes so brave, so honest, etc etc while hes adding stress at the worst time and tearing your core to pieces. If in any doubt, speak to your midwife.
What would she say to the midwife? My husband said he's unhappy and wants to spice things up in the bedroom...? The OP has CLEARLY stated she wants to spice it up. It isn't against her will.
Seriously you have zero understanding, zero comprehension that others can be different to you, move along, make your own comment. Argue with someone else. Go outside and shout and the clouds. All the best with it.
It isn't that I have no understanding nor comprehension of differing views, but what you are suggesting to the OP is radical and potentially damaging. You're labelling her husband in a way that I am sure she doesn't want him to be seen nor intended for him to be seen.
I am just a woman here supporting another woman, if you post on here then of course there is the chance for retaliation or debate.
You stated no one is wild with a toddler. I in fact, am. We have a great sex life and are more experimental than ever. So it can and does happen.
What you're missing is that there is no debate, you're way out of lane, clearly. You don't understand a different experience to your own. It's not radical, any one with experience will see the possible flags I've seen in what she's said. You trying to invalidate it, is what's actually dangerous. You need a new hobby because trolling women sharing domestic abuse information and experience is a shit one.
Trying to even insinuate this as domestic violence/abuse is just ludicrous and a slap in the face to women who have experienced such. There is absolutely no indication that this woman is in danger.
I was actually the intial responder to your comment and then someone else has stepped in to also try and tell you how they didn’t agree. As a victim and survivor of DV I am well aware what it does and does not look like. I’m not trolling but purely advocating for healthy relationships where both parties can safely discuss their wants and needs. Skills that maybe you need to work on
This commentor is obviously triggered by this post and may have some unresolved issues of her own. The OP will be the only one able to say if she felt threatened, intimidated or manipulated by this discussion. The fact she has come here for help suggests she’s keen to satisfy her man. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we we all able to communicate so well and have our partners truely care about investing into the relationship
What would be wonderful is if you take your opinions and personal attacks on me and shove them anywhere you care to.
This is my (educated) opinion not yours what do you not get about that.
Calling people triggered to discredit their view is nasty. Attacking my way of communicating with my partner? Really you're going that low.
Your ignorance is showing.
You sound very uneducated. More like a crazy bitter lady. She wants advice to spice her sex life up, not your take on what she hasn’t said. Not everything is dv. Some people just want to relax and fuck their husbands.
Agree with you fuck off with the brave... I was crazy horney but if my husband came to me with this attitude I would be peeved!! I hate when men or women feel it okay to make their other half feel like crap/compare their partner to others when they are feeling low.
Well said!
Alcohol lol
That is so great that he has opened up to you about this, what a man!
We bring sex toys and dress ups into the bedroom for us. We have a large selection including butt plugs, dildos, vibrators of all different shapes and sizes, nipple tassles, whips etc. crotchless underwear - and just general dress ups.
I find watching porn turns me off doing certain acts as it is so glorified on the web, so I try and be imaginative. I enjoy a bit of rough play so let me husband bite, smack, strangle.. those type of things although when I am pregnant he doesn't like to engage in rough sex.
Our "thing" that we do every now and then to spice it up is anal. My husband really enjoys it and fantasises/talks about it often. It got a bit meh after a while so we have introduced using a vibrator in my vagina whilst he is doing me from behind anally (so double penetration) and it sends him wild. He looks forward to it a lot and knows we do it just on special occasions like a kid free night.
Have you seen 50 Shades?
if Your toddler is sleep and he goes to have a shower wait a few minute then go and join him, wash his back, kiss his neck ect. A bathroom/ laundry quickie is a favourite in my house. A favourite of my husbands is a random blow job while watching tv of a night time. Add toys, toppings, ice, lube and handcuffs to the bedroom. Doesn’t have to be bondage but being blind folded and having your partner kiss, lick and nibble your body is amazing. But most importantly relax, work together in exploring new things.
God i was on heat when i was pregnant horny as hell!
Have you thought about seeing a sex therapist, someone that might help put the spice back into life.
Men often complain about women not being the same as they were at the start of the relationship, and the truth is, neither are they! They lock you in, and stop trying, they dont dish out compliments as much as they use to. And they dont do romantic gestures as much as they use too.
So I would think also think about what hubby could do, that he use to, that lights you up inside. Women are driven by emotions and that's linked to our sex drive in so many ways!
Anyway sex is important to men and on the flip side, it's great that hes being honest with you!
Most experts say there are some simple ways you can improve your sex drive, excercise, set aside time for intimacy, stress less, add some spice and communicate what you want with your partner.
Personally (this probably sounds bad, but it works for me as a new mum) I set a target, so at least once a week, I make sure we do something for us, which normally involves a nice meal, a movie and sex 😊
Firstly, your communication with your husband is so great!! He is comfortable enough to talk to you about this so that's a great start!
My suggestion is a date night, ask Grandparents to have your toddler for a night, once a month, so you can connect without interruption.
Cook him his favourite meal, then make yourself the dessert!! Suprise him by going down on him, there and then at the table and let it go from there.
Other things you could do, wear no underwear and tell him so!! Play around when he gets home from work, plant a huge kiss on him and walk away.
Ask him what he likes in the bedroom and (within limits) do them together.
I've been married almost 18 years and we constantly have to spice it up!
Good luck IM!!