My husband has been self employed for over 10 years, in the last few years they took some bigger financial risks which haven’t paid off and are resulting in him having to declare bankruptcy. I’m 28 weeks pregnant and my whole pregnancy has been overshadowed by what’s going on with him.
I feel so ashamed and disgusted and I wish we weren’t having a baby. I feel really let down that this time in my life that should have been a special, joyful time is just one filled with so much upset and tears.
Fortunately there is no equity in our home so I think that is safe but I’m still anxious we will loose it and I have a really good job.
But it still doesn’t take away from being so ripped off that this time in my life is a mess and just one I never ever want to remember but then the child will be a constant reminder. I don’t want my baby but I really don’t know what to do. I just feel so dumb for thinking I deserved A life with a great husband, nice house and a baby but the fact it’s all such a mess shows me I don’t and I want the easiest way out and not to ever have to remember this stage of life. But I don’t know what to do or where to turn to. None of our family or friends know.
14 Replies
I think it’s time to book a long appointment with your GP to get a mental health care plan. You are going through so much at the moment. A good psychologist/counsellor can really help you sort out your feelings and help separate your baby from what’s going on in the rest of your life.
Just as some reassurance. My son came into my life at a really bad time. My relationship was broke down, I was young and homeless. I was totally lost, my family wasn’t talking to me because I wasn’t married.
I don’t look at my son and remember that hard time. I look at my son and think how much I love him and how amazing he is.
I really hope you find some peace x
Definitely chat to your GP and discuss pre-natal depression - also chat to your midwife and they’ll ensure you get extra care once the baby is born.
Your husband is not doing this on purpose, you are a team no matter what and this isn’t something that should overshadow the joy of you having a baby! Whilst this is a hard time in your life, it’s going to make you stronger. This current state doesn’t mean you don’t have a great husband, in fact he’s made a huge decision which sounds wise for the financial state of the business. Well done on him venturing on his own and it’s a shame it didn’t work out but focus on moving forward together as a family!
Hun please go and speak to your midwife and set up counselling. These are normal fears and stress (for your circumstance) nothing they haven't heard before. Please don't feel ashamed, start talking xxx
2 weeks before we found out our daughter was on her way, my husband was told he was being made redundant. We had tried to get pregnant for one cycle only and we decided to hold off trying till things were more stable but it was too late. What followed was 9 tense months of him trying to secure permanent work in the face of a downturn in his industry, and then the floods in Brisbane in 2011 creating further instability due to both his new employer closing down and being displaced from our home due to the damage from the flood. This was an extremely stressful time, he couldn't even take time off following the birth of our daughter because he'd been forced to take a casual job. Needless to say this impacted my feelings about bringing a baby into the world and I struggled hard with anxiety during this time - I even toyed with terminating during the first trimester. 8 years later and this period of stress in our lives is but a memory. I sought counselling and other help during this time, but I was so ashamed that we'd screwed up and hadn't brought our baby into a "perfect" situation. My husband was ashamed that he wasn't providing the type of home for his wife and child that he'd envisioned.
My advice, lean on each other, and your families and friends. Seek professional help for you both. You'll get through it, I promise xxxxx
We all in some way get doped you did with this others with infidelity neglect etc , embrace your child let hubby go to grow it's his mess let him clean it up dont be a victim be a warrior with your baby you can always start over
It is not "his mess" don't leave hubby alone in this. Stand together and be strong. Better or worse. My god what terrible advice.
I was pregnant with everything ahead and husband dropped a bomb he cheated when I was 3 months ! All the money in the world was not enough I wish it was bankruptcy and not infidelity ! Money you can earn love you can not if he loves you well get up over that hump and breathe it could be worse a lot worse !
You have the idea of how a pregnancy should look, everything perfect, money in the bank, happy couple, no problems, everything wonderful. Some get it, but if it makes you feel better, a lot don’t.
As you have read, most of us haven’t had that picture perfect pregnancy.
Money can be fixed, some people go through a pregnancy knowing their unborn baby is sick, disabled, find out their spouse is a cheater, drug addict etc.
And prepare yourself, rarely does the delivery go as planned. It’s a stressful time, pregnancy, childbirth and newborn stage, it isn’t as it is showed in movies.
Life is messy, have some grit, work out a plan and get through this together with your husband. When the going gets tough.....
Your child will not be a reminder of your financial issues, trust me. The only mums that may feel that are rape victims and even most of them don’t with therapy.
Shame and resentment only breeds with secrecy. Start talking to your family and friends. Just as here, you will see others have had similar stressful times and it will make everything seem more normal. Enlist their help. See your GP for a counselling referral. Hubby could probably do with some outside support as well. You can make it through this, pull together. Hugs x
12 years ago I could’ve written this exactly! Fast forward to now it’s all just a memory. Bankruptcy is not the end of the world. I now have an amazing daughter, lovely home and money in the bank. Think of the bankruptcy as a reset rather than a failure. It’s totally possible to move on from.
The affect on your mental health is real but it is temporary. You’re worried for the future and grieving the loss of a dream. Please go and see your GP. A good psych or social worker can help you work through the grief and see a positive future. I promise the future will be fine. A couple of risks that didn’t work out doesn’t negate the great decisions you’ve made before or the great decisions you’ll make after.
Let your friends and family in - doesn’t need to be all of them, but start by picking one or two and go from there. Also, speak to your GP or midwife and get a referral to talk to a counsellor - it will help. Sending you hugs and warm wishes at this time xx
I went through a really rough pregnancy when my husband told me he was an ice addict, it was an insane time full on crazy emotions, but that baby was my shining star, something to look forward to and something wholesome and good to bring into my life. You NEED to start focusing on the positives in your life, your baby needs you, sending huge hugs xoxo
I went through a really rough pregnancy when my husband told me he was an ice addict, it was an insane time full on crazy emotions, but that baby was my shining star, something to look forward to and something wholesome and good to bring into my life. You NEED to start focusing on the positives in your life, your baby needs you, sending huge hugs xoxo
Oh mumma! I agree with all the advise on speaking to your GP or even your midwife about what you are going through and how you are feeling.
You are not alone in your struggles and things will get better.
This time last year I had just come out of a 5 year long Domestic Violence relationship, I was going through courts, my two kids 8 and 9 had just started counselling to help them deal with the anxieties and I was fighting with my ex through lawyers just to be able to sell our house so we could move somewhere we felt safe knowing he couldn't find us.
In August I met an amazing man, he and I really hit it off but we decided to keep it casual because I really needed to focus on my kids and making sure we were settled before even thinking of bringing another man in to their lives.
Flash forward to Decemver and I found out I was pregnant. I was thrown so far back, everything seemed so wrong, I was still stuck in a house that my ex wouldn't let me sell, I was working full time, I had started to have a flair in a very serious medical condition, I'd had been seeing the father for less than 4 months, I didn't know what the hell I was going to do.
Now I'm 34 weeks pregnant, still living in the same damn house because my ex has been so difficult, we move in 2 weeks which scares me because I'm so heavily pregnant and trying to move a house and work full time while my medical condition has not improved during the pregnancy, it actually resulted in 2 week long hospital admissions.
My son has turned 10 and my daughter is almost 9. I have been with my partner for 10 months and he has really jumped in feet first and taken on such a huge burden. He doesn't live with us yet, I feel I don't want to rush that just because a baby is coming. But he spends all his spare time here and was even the one to take care of my two older kids while I was in hospital.
I guess my point is that I have very much in the last 7 month's felt like I didn't want this baby, I have cried and thought about every reason that this isn't a good thing. But the reality is, he is the light in this storm, everything can and will work out in one way or another.
I am sure hubby is just as anxious as you, maybe even more so. But together you will get through. You may need to downsize and cut back for long enough to get back on your feet but it will happen. Your baby doesn't need a big house and a swollen bank account to thrive. Your baby needs love, comfort, food and shelter.
If I have learned anything in the past 7 months, nothing is certain and everything is scary. But you're never alone. Talk to someone. Let your voice be heard.
Good luck xoxox