Hello, I am writing to seek advice, not judgement please.
I am a stepmother, for almost 4 years I've been looking after my little stepdaughter. She is 4 now.
I try everything to be on good terms with her mum which just started having her full time. I wrap up little gifts (usually a professional photo in a frame plus a gift card) for bdays mothers day and Xmas plus a nice card. She knows that I'm the one doing it. I never receive a thanks, and the next minute she will upload the photo 'no filter needed'. OK I wasn't even sure if you received it, but nice that you liked it, Which still doesn't stop me from Doing it as my stepdaughter sees that I care for her mum and I find that important.
I am a little social media friend and like sharing my step daughter. I have her mother on Facebook also to allow video calls when she is up here, so does my partner.
I have her already on restricted terms because she always writes my partner complaining about a couple photo of us, or a family shoot or anything like that. Basically if she sees a photo of me and my partner, she will let the mood out on him by not Video calling for an entire day or two. We usually call twice a day.
She use to date someone recently and had family photos done up, which was not a problem but as soon as we do it (it's max once every two months or even less that I post a photo of her) she says that people think this is my kid and it makes her so angry. I always capture a photo so it excludes anyone thinking that and anyone knows anyway. On the beginning I use to tag her mum because she was just so cranky and wouldn't let my partner see the kid and I think it's been now such a long time.
I can't have kids and she is like my little bubba, I know a lot of people say nothing top the special mother bond but we also have a very strong bond and my family lives overseas so they love seeing photos of me and my life here, and I have always been sensitive in regards to what I put up.
My partner pays her fair maintenance (via csa, he is on low income, however I am not and holidays or such is usually out of my pocket) and she keeps on asking for a lot more money, it's always medicals. So I suggested if she could supply invoices for doctors or medical so I can at least claim some through private health. Little girls has no medical concerns except for a flu. And she went filthy on him, saying why I am demanding receipts, she can spend it on whatever she wants and doesn't need to prove it. Apparently it's a lot more than just doctors.
I transfer the money out of our joint account and it's been 80 maintenance a week and an extra 300 just for medicals. I do all the financials and after him Asking several time and she getting defensive, I asked politely if she could put them in her bag when I pick her up today.
She said to him it's non of my business financially, it's him and hers.
So today, I received a lovely photo from my friend that she took privately at a party. It's amazing and I uploaded it. She flipped her marbles and said why I always have to do photoshoots (I do one once a year for her birthday to create a album, those photos I usually frame to give to those occasions mentioned, the other photos are suualy backyard photos) , she doesn't care if she or he gets it as a present, it's unnecessary. I haven't posted anything in four months. She said I stepped on her toes to many times, and to even butt in financially. Well we share finances and she never listens to him about the receipts and makes him feel guilty for not wanting to send her money for the girl.
She always makes remarks too about how many cars I'm Driving and
And how many holidays we go on. Like she is constantly in his grill. But yet she gets her hair extended, nails on fleek ALWAYS and she can afford the latest shoes and brand clothing, I don't know how she does it.
I know a parental plan should be in place to stop this blackmailing but I don't even know what to do. I want my Facebook life for my friends and family and I So I just want to delete her but then she will go against him again. She nearly didn't let us take her over the weekend this time because of that. I deleted her of Instagram a while ago and she was just so angry and didn't call for five days, threatened him to only be able to visit (she lives 1000km away). I have restricted her from my posts also but it's like she stalks me, she gets her friends to check out my page or her sister. And once she got up my partner for restricting her on photos because she seems those photos via a mutual friend. Can't win. Best not to socially share nothing. But all this effort for one person?
I know people probably say 'just don't post anything woman and let them deal their issues' I just feel that's unfair? I don't know maybe I'm Wrong
EDIT
mother posts plenty of photos on Sm as well of he rkid, and she never minded it when she was tagged or if she receives them via messenger. She even Screenshots my photos of her and uploads them herself, I took a backyard photo of my dog, housecow and her. And she took that photo and made it her cover photo. So it's obviously not about the Facebook thing. It seems like that she hates it when she isn't involved or has been invited in the first place. She also use to go on my instagram and copies all my photos of her as well as her and my partner and made a album for him for fathers day. The gifts that I buy are usually chosen by the little one, I give her some. Money to pick something and let her pick a card and draw something in it.
In the meantime we found out that she is going to a bulk billed doctor all along
66 Replies
Being a step parent is hard. Really hard. I write this as someone who has walked in your shoes.
You need to step out of negotiations. The ex is right. That’s not your debate to have. You can tell him your opinion and he can ask for your opinion but you being involved in negotiations just makes mum react badly. So don’t.
You may love this child like your own, but you don’t seem to understand that it physically hurts to have to let someone else mother your child.
So what if the mum licks her wounds for a day and doesn’t video call? It’s one day. It’s not a week, it’s not interfering in the relationship long term other than getting under your skin.
Honestly you sound like you are trying too hard, relax. You don’t have to be besties you just need to be polite. You don’t have to be Facebook friends.
Why do you have to get photo shoots done so often? I mean it seems over the top in any circumstance.
Relax, enjoy the time with the child. Don’t be Facebook friends. Share the pics with family let your partner deal/communicate with his ex. That’s his deal
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Thank you.
I book a photo shot for every birthday because I make a photo book for my partner and there is usually around 30 photos in a shoot and I give her those for those occasions mentioned. So it's a memory of how she actually changes. The photo from today mentioned was taken at a party on the beach by friend randomly.
And thank you I will take your advice. It sounds fair. I just don't know how to delete her because as soon as my partner is tagged, she will see it and Ther eis no way that he can delete her because she will stop calling for good or answering calls because she will take it personal.
You can actually just block her. That way she won’t see your posts wether your partner is tagged or not. If he wants to share photos with her, make him responsible for that.
Stop posting photos of her daughter.
Why shouldn't she be allowed to post the occasional photo of her step daughter? I'm certain her partner doesn't mind, he's her parent too and gets to make these decisions too!
It's not like she's the random new fling that's been on the scene for 5 minutes, she's obviously taken on a parental role for the last 4 years and cares deeply for the girl.
It's utterly stupid that Bio mum's get defensive over this, if my kids end up with a step mum that cares and loves them like they're her own kids - I'd be ecstatic. Kids can never have too many people to love them!
What?! I would be glad to that my children have a stepmother that cares. I would be pissed of IF I still have feelings for my ex. But this woman shows good intentions only. And it's great to see that she is good enough to cover all Mummy duties but yet isn't allowed to be one to save someone's feelings. 4 years is a long time. And I can't stand always reading those anti step parent things. Ther eis so many bad step parents in this world, and encouraging a good one to stop doing nice things must hurt her feelings too. Shame
How is respecting a parents wishes about social media posting anti-step parents? Get a grip and open your mind to others points of view. She may take on a role but she is not a parent and needs to respect their wishes on things like this. That's what builds a relationship.
I've just re-read this, I missed the part that mentioned you are unable to have children so I deleted my comment. I genuinely appologise for misreading and being insensitive there.
Having read this again, this is actually much bigger than just social media posts. Bio mum is being vindictive and spiteful - it may very well be from jealousy but it's not ok, in the end that's only going to hurt Miss 4.
Your partner needs to start the mediation process asap, she has too much power to just cut him off from his kid and that's not in anyone's best interests.
I would block her and her little minions and post whatever you and your partner see fit. I'd also only interact with her if it's absolutely necessary, get your partner to sort it everything out!
Shes a step parent thats been a part of the childs life for 4 years, being a step parent isnt simply a role, she had chosen to be a parent figure in
the childs life 🙄
That's a role. It doesn't give her parental rights. It doesn't mean she has to communicate with mum. Dad needs to sort out this coparenting relationship and she needs to stay all the way out of it.
No, not saying to communicate with mum. I was just referring to the pictures.
Who cares about whether you post on social media or not? If your posts are upsetting someone, either have settings that prevent them from seeing or don't post it.
As mentioned. I have her restricted but she gets mutual friends to look and sees things.
So block them. Obviously they are her friends and not yours
I'm not divorced, but I would find it a slap in the face to get a gift for mother's day from the new woman. And honestly, I'd feel like that no matter how long they had been together. Just let your husband deal with her and u friend her.
I let the little one draw a picture in the card, write happy mother's day from (little ones name)
And place a voucher in it. Me and my step daughter usually create a crafty picture frame. Or I would let her buy mum something from her pocket money. I thought It would be a nice thing. Not a slap in the face.
Something like that would be lovely because it's from the child, not you.
It represents time You spend with the child.
If you’re really doing it to be a nice/good person, then if the beneficiary of that nice service doesn’t like it, then why would you continue or talk about it?
Nice people want to make others comfortable and be accommodating, not force their nice services onto others who clearly aren’t comfortable with it.
80 a week is not a lot for a single mum with one child, you don’t get much from the government with only one. If I was paying 80 a week, I would help out with extra too.
Well he is on low income and having to pay a mortgage etc with 600 a week minus maintenance is kind of difficult. She lives at her sisters place together with mum.
And never have k forced nice stuff. I presumed that she liked it if she posts my photos that I gift her on her social media? I don't understand where I have been forcing my niceness on to her.
You keep changing. One minute you lead us to believe she doesn’t like something you do and the next minute you lead us to believe she does like it.
Which is it? It’s hard to answer fairly and accurately when one minute it feels like you are upset she doesn’t appreciate the gifts and the next you say she does like the gifts ?
Co-parenting is hard, it’s ok not to be besties. Set yourself some boundaries, step back from your relationship with bio-mum and you will feel so much better.
It’s ok if she doesn’t like you. That’s just something that happens sometimes and it’s not your job to fix it.
Well that's exactly what I'm saying. She likes things when they involve her. If I give her pics before or use to tag her in them, she is totally fine with it.
She complains about having a photo shoot once a year but yet when she receives the gift she uploads it on her social media?
But as soon as she is not in the picture she gets really angry and uses the miss 4 as a blackmailing subject. Im sorry I thought it was obvious that that jealous part was my problem
Jealousy is normal. As soon as you accept that many bio parents would be jealous in this situation and accept it the faster you will feel better.
You just need to accept it. There is nothing you can fix, other than distance yourself.
If you can’t understand why a bio parent might be jealous over not being included in something there child does, then that’s something you need to think about.
If he's well off and you guys are doing well and yet he's paying minimum child care and asking for receipts for bills etc then that's going to make her angry. No, furious. At him.
I'm not saying it's right (or wrong) or necessarily what's going on here, just offering an idea if youre really looking to understand.
As said already, THEY need to sort out their coparenting plan and if they're not happy then just stay right out of each others business.
Hence the anger when she see the cars and holidays, not saying its right but she may be on struggle street and your 80 per week wouldn’t go far. Then when she needs additional help you ask for receipts.
I agree. Assuming you have a high paying career, considring you can buy new cars amd take frequent holidays, be mindful she cannot afford those things so dont unintetionally make her feel crappy by always showing off what you can afford. $80 is bugger all a week btw. I know child support only takes into account dads income, not yours, but if you guys can comfortably pay toward rhe medical bills do so, but dad needs to be the one to explain why he needs the reciepts. Not you.
Yes but I was saying MY HOLIDAYS AND MY Cars. Not his. He doesn't have a car. He ha Sone motorbike. So that's what I meant. We have a shared financial account buti still have my own spending fun money. And I think my financials don't have anything to do with him
You are full of contradictions.
You think your financials have nothing to do with your partner but want to play happy families with his child??
You think bio mum should see you and your partners finances as separate BUT you think you get a vote on how much child support he pays and wether receipts/invoices are provided. You think you get to whinge and judge because bio-mum gets to live rent free, but it’s not bio-mums problem that dad has chosen to take on a mortgage either. That’s his choice.
The point is you can’t have it both ways. The sooner you step back, send it out to the universe and put up boundaries for yourself, the better off you will be.
You seem to want to fix her jealousy but not fix your own.
I just think it would be better for you, dad and mum and ultimately the littlw girl for dad and mum to just do mediation. They can figure out how he will cintribute to his daughter finacially that way and it will be in a plan and then there will be no issue. I think if yoy have your play money, thats great, how he fincailly supports his daughter isnt effecting you, so there isn't an issue with him paying the medical bills.xx
Yes! Well said
Yeah but love you guys are together and a partnership. You can say your holiday and your car but as a defacto couple they are technically his too or will appear that way to his ex. Not saying thats how it should be, but from her point of view.
If finances are separate, as you say, then why are you complaining and telling him to ask for receipts? Why are you on the IM making a post about it all?
It’s separate, let him do as he pleases with his income and stay out of it.
The $80 per week is based on dads wages. Step mum does not have to contribute out side her home. I’d be embarrassed if I had to ask my ex’s missus to give me extra money outside of what my ex earns. Mum lives on SPP would get fam tax a and b rent assistance and can afford to continuously buy the child new toys and clothes (as she never wears the same thing twice) this lady has posted before. It is not step mums job to pay child support it is dads job and it’s based off of his wages not step mums. It doesn’t matter what step mum earns or spends her money on as it’s her cash not the ex’s/bio mums business. She’s jealous of something she can not control and continues to ask for more money than what she’s entitled too. If you cannot see that, that’s an issue. My partner is not responsible if my ex goes for custody of our children outside of our home or what goes on here. I’m not sure why people are assuming this woman pay child support to a woman who is not her ex but is only the mother of her step child.
People can get a home loan on $600 a week wage?... Where?
Get your partner to create his own FB account to use for video calls etc then delete her, block her friends and sister, restrict the mutual friends and tighten your privacy settings (which you should be done regardless). Avoid putting family pictures including SD as your profile pic or cover pic just out of respect for her privacy.
Remember, you don't need to be her friend and she clearly doesn't want to create an amicable relationship with you.
Considering the animosity between you, your partner really needs to be the one who does the interaction, the finances and he probably really needs to get some sort of formal parenting plan in place (for your sanity mainly, it's not fair this all falls to you).
I'd also stop putting so much effort into gifts, encourage your SD to make mum something, bake cookies, make a card and a painting etc - still sets a good example to her but also sends the message that you're done with the effort and the niceties.
Thank you, yes we usually either draw pictures that are on the card or even art craft the picture frame for her. Or I will give her $30 and send her to buy mummy a voucher.
I read a lot of opinions here. I didn't think it was a slap in her mother's face doing these gifts I only meant well by it. And she doesn't get anything from Anyone for mother's day so I thought it would be nice.
But yes maybe a good idea to just let her draw a picture than spending money on it. It just frustrates me on the end.
Oh it's definitely frustrating, for the record I don't think organising a small gift is a slap in the face either, i think it's a thoughtful gesture.
It's bitterly ironic isn't it?!
Good, caring, selfless step mums always seem to get shit on and the Bio mums who are reasonable and want nothing more than to maintain a civilised co parenting relationship always seem to get stuck with a psyco ex and a step mum from hell.
Try not to let it bother you.
You both should delete her from Facebook. Theres plenty of phone apps with free video calling -Snapchat, Tango are a couple we use when my partner has to work away from the kids. He also uses it for his child from a previous relationship in between visits.
Nothing wrong with helping little miss with gifts for mum, or even taking her out to pick something.
1. I think you are beautiful for helping your step daughter get her mum a present - I'm not sure why people hate the idea. It's for the child's benefit. However the money thing is making her feel crappy, so keep the beautiful gesture, but go smaller. E.g let the little girl pick a coffee cup and put lollies in it, or frame a drawing the little girl did instead of a professional photo.
2. If you post photos on facebook you can do this thing where you choose a setting that stops a person seeing the specific post. Check it out. However I tthink it would be beneficial to just block her from your account and she can FaceTime from your husbands account or set up a third account thats fairly generic just so th little girl can FaceTime mum. You don't have to be connected through facebook and i honesty think if it causes issues, blocking her would be the best option for all.
3. Shes jealous/insecure/bitter that you are finacially better off than her and its shitting her when shes seeing stuff your doing she cant afford. Whatever reason she cant afford it, who cares. But This is another reason you guys just need to stop being connected through social media. Its her issue, yes, but take away social media and she has less to pick on you guys about.
4. I agree about her providing the medical bills for them to be paid but don't you ask for them. Dad needs to simply say "yep, I'm happy to pay for them, but I want the receipts so i know what im paying for." She can kick up a stink all she likes but its not hard to provide the bill.
5. Your a great step mum, but she doesnt want to communicate with you. Dont take it personally. Just keep loving that precious little girl and dont worry about mum. Dad needs to do the communication through email and text preferably.
Spot on 👏👏👏
I am so thankful for your advice.
And I agree with it 100%
It really comes down to a parental plan so she can't blackmail him. We have asked for receipts and she said that it's being controlling to ask for that, she needs the money elsewhere too. And usually when she comes here, she has a couple of prescriptions worth $20 not 400. So I tried to restrict her and somehow she can always find out what I posted and gets up him. Wether it's a holiday I had or a new car. Anyway I think it's time to get this sorted and delete her. Maybe she is able to move on too because she always makes comments about him having me now and so on. Thank you so much for your great respectful response
3. I would say the reason she’s not as financially better off is due to being a single mum with one income, raising a child on her own and receiving 80 bucks a week in child support.
But as you said, whatever the reason, WHO CARES.....pfff.....wouldn’t affect the step daughter she loves so much.
After all, you don’t need that negatively in your life, just keep posting those new car, holiday pics, making mother’s day cards, asking for receipts, I’m sure one day she will appreciate what an amazing step mum you are.
This isn’t a dig at OP, but the commenter above. To the OP, do the kind thing for all involved and block her from social media. She might chuck a hissy fit, but it’s in her best interests. Stop communicating all together with her and leave your husband to handle things. I think you’ve both become too involved in each other’s lives, take a step back.
Whoops...I didn't mean the "who cares" to come across as super insensitive, but it did so I apologise for that. I just meant thats not the step mum's issue. They need to take a step back from each others pockets. And let mum and dad sort it out. Understandably that is the reason she isnt finacially well off.
I do not disagree with dad putting money toward the little girls medical bills, school fees etc, but mum just handing over the bills for whatever se needs assistance with for the daughter shouldn't be difficult. But that again needs to come from dad. Not step mum.
Hopefully deleting her will mean "out of sight, out of mind" so without her being able to analyse every aspect of your lives through social media, maybe she will also move on and just focus on her life.
However if she continues to play the blackmail card (this goes for when she demands money but refuses to provide what for) its time for your husband to ring relationships Australian and organise mediation and get a parenting plan in place. Mediation would also be a good chance for your husband and your stepdaughter's mum to address any other issue and put them to rest (hopefully🤞). Even with mediation coming up she might just stop the games anyway.
All the best.
You are so lovely. Thank you for your great advice
I think you are trying really hard and doing all the things that “seem” right... but it might just be a bit too much.
I think the gifts are great gestures but as mentioned, scale back and make it about your step daughter making or creating it as much as she can.
I also feel like the social media thing is fair on her point. It would be really hurtful for me to see photos of my kids with another motherly figure. It would be a hard enough pill to swallow knowing they were going somewhere else on weekends and enjoying time with another woman that isn’t me let alone seeing photos of it. BUT that being said, I think you’re an important part of this girls life and her of yours, you’ve been around long enough and you should be able to post sometimes. I think you need to scale back what she can see or delete her as a friend entirely. And always remember to be mindful and understanding that it would and will always be a sore spot for her that her daughter has another motherly figure in her life. I don’t think any mother would ever fully get over that sting.
The money issue is an issue and I agree with receipts to claim from your health fund. But the badgering must come from your partner at all times. Even if you start laying down some boundaries regarding the extra money (besides child support) and getting your partner to write it out for her.
I think you definitely have everyone’s best interest but being a step mother was always going to be tough. As well as being a mother, with children who have a step mother, is going to be even tougher.
After reading lots of your responses there are a few things you should consider.
From an outsider looking in...
You care About this child enough you pay out for annual photo shoots but not enough that you support her financial properly? $80 a week... is it any wonder Bio mum is asking for more? I’m shocked that you feel that’s unreasonable. Is this child a fashion acessory to you? You post her on social media but won’t help her father support her adequately...
You are critical of her bio mums circumstances, but in all honesty she probably can’t afford to rent on her own with her child.
You call it blackmail maybe she is trying to make ends meet. You requiring receipts is very degrading. If you believe your above her/better than her you will always have tension and drama.
You want an equal say in this child’s life but don’t want to financially contribute either. So your off going on holidays getting new cars paying out for professional photos of her daughter and she is living on the poverty line. Of course she is jealous. She can’t do that for her child but her ex and his new partner can. What a knife to the heart that would be.
Mediation would def be the next step. I’d suggest offering a more fair amount of support but then make it clear above that your not willing to contribute beyond that.
I would be encouraging Dad to improve his circumstances as well! Try for a higher paying job.
Maybe Mum could try for a higher paying job too, she is hardly on the poverty line she is sharing a house with 2 other adults. OP does not need to be paying child support for this child just like new male partners don't have to.
Of course she can. But she hasn’t written in. Sharing with two other adults doesn’t make it ok for Daddy to pay a pittance either.
OP then can’t make out that she is that caring toward her step daughter either though!
You can’t put a flower in an arsehole and call it a vase!
He is paying $620 a month. If this is the same poster as another one recently (i think it is) then they are also paying flights to see this child and kindy fees every week to keep the spot. They pay for her when the child is in their care and previously had majority of care for her while Mum collected SPP (again I hope I am right by saying its the same poster). I don't think bio Mum is as innocent as you think and I don't think Dad needs to be made out to be a monster.