I have a 4 year old son who I sent to school this morning but a couple hours later I received a phone call from the school saying that he’d hit a kid in his class and I had to come and pick him up.
I am at my wits end of what to do and whether I should be looking more into the situation. My son doesn’t really have any friends and finds it hard to make friends. He is finding it hard to communicate also. When is hurt or gets told off he shuts down completely and won’t talk to anyone, not even me. I don’t believe my child is a perfect angel and I have had to deal with him hitting his sister from a young age. But I know he used to hit spontaneously and on purpose but in the classroom it seems to only happen when the teacher has her back turned... so I don’t know if they see if another kid has hit him and he’s relatiating or what. I’ve tried being on his level and talking to him, removing his devices or special toys, time out etc. but nothing seems to be working. I’ve been trying to work with the school to help him but now they’ve suspended him for 2 days and that they’d talk to us on Wednesday next week when returns. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I try and try but I don’t know where to go from here.
I’m rather upset and frustrated.
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23 Replies
Yes you should be seeking help, yes you should speak to your GP for a referral to a peaditatritian.
He's a four year old in school, I'd say that's your problem. Give him a year to be a four year old without expectations he can handle and communicate about his issues maturely all by himself. That's a huge expectation.
Was thinking exactly the same!
Give him another year at home/daycare to mature and let him start when he’s five.
The teachers will thank you and he will be so much more ready for school.
What did his kindy teachers say, did they feel he was ready for school?
I’m surprised this wasn’t discussed last year.
He is 5 in May. I don’t believe it is totally his fault, nor mine! I am just asking for help, not to be blamed for my son. He did a full year of kindy last year and 6 months of occasional care the year before.
I discussed with the teachers and they thought he was fine to go to school. There are many other 4 year olds in his class, not just my son. My daughter was 5 and a half when she started school and was bullied by kids her age and she was ready for school the year before... (she missed out by 2 days of cut off). He never did day care besides 2.5 hours at the kindy for occasional care. I will be taking him to the doctor and seeking help through them.
I'm not blaming you. I'm saying that he is only four. Don't compare to your daughter, but there is a huge difference in those ages anyway. When you're looking at a 4 year old having issues, you really need to look at e st external factors and environment, and change them if it's not getting the best out of him. That's what I'm saying. Be very careful of what you're setting him up to believe about himself and school. He is very very young.
But are the other 4 year olds in his class suspended?
Being suspended is a pretty huge deal, it must have been a pretty bad incident.
Just because they are ready, doesn’t mean all four year olds are.
I’m not blaming you but the way you described him, sounds like he isn’t ready.
He’s probably lashing out because school is beyond him, at this point, I don’t know, maybe ask the teacher how he compares to his peers?
I’m sure they will have an opinion.
It’s just you want the first year of school to be positive because it sets them up for a life time of learning and if he isn’t ready, his self esteem will be shot and he will display destructive behaviours.
Anyway you know him best so you know what he is capable of.
The cut off in vic is April, so he wouldn’t have made it there.
Are you consistent in your messages to him. It is not ok for him to put his hands on anyone else. Ever. Are you looking for excuses that don’t exist.
He is very young to be at school - he obviously isn’t emotionally ready. If he can’t articulate and talk out his grievances.
Have you seen a paediatrician to make sure everything is good with him and voice your concerns, if you haven’t you haven’t done everything. See your GP and get a referral to a paediatrician. If you’re a private paitent research paediatricians in your area and find one you’ll be happy to see. If not ask your doctor if they know one you can be reffered too.
I’d go another year of kinder and try school again next year. He’s still so young!
He absolutely loves school. I have asked him today why he did it and he said that another kid was hitting other kids and he just wanted him to stop, he told my partner exactly the same thing.
This other kid flys under the radar of the teacher and never gets caught out. There are quite a lot of naughty kids in my sons class.
I have also talked one on one with him about what he should do instead of reacting with violence.
I don’t believe suspension is the answer either... not for a preppy. Moved class or something of the like but not be at home where he isn’t learning.
I am not at all condoning his behaviour, but I am trying to instill in him what he should be doing instead of reacting.
In QLD the cut off is 30/6.
This sounds like a bit of a consistent behaviour, if it were a once off I'd agree, suspension would be a bit extreme but I think given the sort of on going nature of this, suspension is entirely appropriate. The school has a responsibility to keep all their students safe, much like those students have the right to attend school without the worry of physical attacks.
I get that other kids may be hitting or naughty - while it is worth mentioning that you son claims he was hit first, the rest is absolutely not your concern (and I may add, it probably is being dealt with but they aren't going to discuss other children's behaviour and how they're addressing it with you).
I sense that you're feeling touch defensive, which I can understand, it can feel like a bit of an attack on your parenting choices but please don't take it that way.
I suggest you approach this with an open mind, meet with the school and take on board their advice, perhaps consider getting some professional help and I would really re think if he's actually ready for formal school - he may enjoy school, he may just not be emotionally ready for Prep (which is a lot different and the expectations of children is much higher than what they're used to at daycare/kindy/preschool as they are mostly play based).
I think boys are so much slower in emotional development to girls. So you’re daughter probably was ready for school before you put her in.
But I’ve got a son who also turns 5 in May this year and we kept him in 4 year old preschool this year. He would appear ready for school but emotionally he definitely isn’t ready. My son still has day-naps the days he is at home with me, and he couldn’t handle such big days most days of the week. He’d be an emotional mess, and probably a lot more aggressive (although he already is pretty aggressive) from being so drained and exhausted. Could this be your sons problem?
On another note, I do know some who would be completely fine and are emotionally ready by that age but I’m just feeling like that isn’t your son as he sounds a lot like mine.
I know after a long day at work myself, the following day I am usually pretty shitty and probably feel like smacking someone over the head if they piss me off. I just know that’s not appropriate behaviour... a 4yo doesn’t... or can’t think quick enough to stop it from happening.
I think you should have a talk to his teacher and see what she thinks about his emotional development and see if she thinks he is really ready for school. He can’t go a full year of lashing out and being aggressive and being suspended because I’d be afraid that kind of behaviour would just continue for the following years if it was ignored this year. Pull him out if you need to
Is he too young to be at school, particularly socially? Maybe you could keep him home another year until he is better prepared
I can't believe they suspended a 4 year old.
My thoughts are that quite possibly the school knows this child isn't ready to be there and mum is thinking child should be at school and they're trying to let her know in a different way
They aren't left with many choices when they've got a student that's hitting others!
Well they should voice their concerns more directly to this mum, so at least she knows what they think.
I would be asking what steps the school has taken before the suspension. Also what the schools behaviour management policy is. If it is only happening when the teachers back is turned, where is the teacher aid? I’ve been in prep classes at several different schools and prep classes always have full time, or close to full time, teacher aids.
Well... had meeting with the teacher and they’re quite happy with my son return and the things we organised to put into place to help my child, which is a positive. I voiced my concerns about his age and they are not at all worried about that at all. I have been beating myself up and second guessing myself about putting my child into school. But I believe it it a positive, they are happy to have him there. There are many other children his age that have started this year and every child is different. We are working together to help my child to make it a positive experience for him.
Can I suggest talking to the school and removing him and giving him the rest of the year at 4 year old kinder.
Most of the Preps these days are starting prep 6 or turning 6 within the first few months of school.
Your son is too young to be at school. There is a huge gap between him and the 6 year olds.
I say this from a place of kindness and compassion. I'm studying primary teaching and studies show that if a child hates school at the start of prep it's very hard to get them to enjoy learning for the rest of their schooling.
Please consider getting him back into a 4 year old kinder program.. you won't know yourself next year when he is the same age as the cohort not a year or 2 younger.
Your child is not ready for school full stop. 4 is way too young. Not only is he not coping but I bet his behaviour is affecting the other children and the teachers ability to teach. For a child in the first year of school to be suspended is very rare. I would be seeing a paediatrician. To attend school you need to be socially and emotionally ready. He does not sound like he is. The first year of school sets them up for lifelong learning, if he struggles now and has a negative experience it could affect him long term. Why couldn’t you of waited till he was turning 6? What was the rush? My son is born in jan and started at 6. If I started at 5 he would have struggled socially and emotionally.
Suspension for a four year old is completely inappropriate. I'd be putting him into a different school.
My son started prep last year at 5 and had some social issues and hit a couple of kids. We worked with the school and also got him into 10 sessions with the school psych. This helped a lot.
A young child being shamed by being suspended is unbelievable IMO. I would also call the Dept of Education for some advice around this.
I’m the mum of a child who was hit every other day by a child in the first year of school and I wish they suspended them. My child had bruises and was scared to go to school and so were other children. The child ended up repeating and did much better that year. The poor child was just not ready for school but the parents wanted him to go