Please help . I just found a meth pipe and used meth bags in my husbands work bag . We have been married 20 years . He was a secret addict when we first met 2 decades ago but I never knew until the 7th year of our marriage. He was unemployed within the 2nd year of our marriage and He hid his usage well while I continue to work and provide our comforts , unknowingly . When I found out on the 7th year I helped get him clean and he was going so well. He got a fulltime job 8 years ago in construction and never missed a day so I thought it was all behind us .
It obviously isn't. He still works hard and has had rarely time off work but my stomach dropped when I saw the pipe and empty mini bags . I searched his man cave in our shed and found 8 more pipes and hundreds of empty meth bags, so obviously hes been using more than I know. What do I do now? I've been vomiting with worry .
27 Replies
If there are kids in the house you have to get him out of the house or you have to leave with the kids. Having kids living in a home with drugs is totally unacceptable and a recipe for a tragedy/disaster.
If there are no kids, it’s up to you. Do you want to live your life with a guy who can happily hide such a big part of his life? Is he actively going to seek treatment?
Personally I’d be out of there so fast, he wouldn’t even know about it! He is lying, and secretive and bringing dangerous drugs in my home. That is not acceptable in my book.
I really feel for you. I wouldn’t even know where to start! You must feel like the walls are caving in!
Have you thought about seeing a therapist? They maybe able to give you some strategies on how to approach your partner etc.
He has a disease. U can’t control or cure it. My husband was the same, working hard, never missed a day of work. All the while addicted to heroin. They are high functioning addicts... your husband is starting to get clumsy leaving evidence around his disease is spiraling out of control. You need to get him help ASAP. Confront him. Do u have private health insurance? If u don’t go to a public rehab. My husband spent Christmas in rehab. It has changed him. This is a family disease. He needs help. Addiction isn’t a choice. But he needs rehab if he wants to overcome this. If he doesn’t want help then leave you will never come first... Good luck...
Walk. He lied to you for 7 years and despite being "clean" in your eyes, has lied for a while now too. This is up to him and he will have to choose what is more important to him. You can support from the outside but you need to be out and deal with your own new reality to be able to do so anyway. Otherwise you'll just keep getting blindsided.
I’m sorry you are going though this. I have no advise but am in the same situation. Thought my partner had put that life behind him. Just found the empty needle bags today (no needles) in his toiletries bag, after kicking him out a few weeks ago for abusive behaviour, and (breaking point) our baby’s nurofen syringe, along with cigarette filters. Tested the baby’s syringe with a drug test from the chemist and it come up positive for Meth.
Meth destroys families (mine now) and changes loved ones into deceitful people.
I wish you the best with your decision, mines been made simple by one object, our child’s medical syringe!!!
Omg you poor mumma having to go through this. I’m glad you made the right decision for you and your baby. That is terrible. Such an awful addiction.
I would pack my stuff and leave with the kids. He needs to know how serious you are else it will be the likely story of I will get help and blah blah blah.. get things in place and get out with the kids and go from there. No wonder you are sick. The person you love and trust is hiding such a huge thing from you. How are you meant to trust him again. I would be out of the relationship if it was me but we are all different and I am quite a strong person & don’t put up with shit. Please just put you and your kids first. It’s up to him to get clean and get help on his own. You have done it before. You have yourself and kids to think of now. I feel for you, how awful. Such an ugly drug ruining so many lives.
I wouldn’t be happy he lied, and has been concealing this. I suppose you have to choices, stay and see what he does when you confront him? Or decide to go. If he is interacting with dealers and that lifestyle you are already at risk. Your kids could find this stuff..... it’s not safe. Can you confront him and be safe? You should’ have to leave but have a plan so if it blows up you have somewhere to go. Good luck
It’s definitely a tough call but those saying a drug addict is always an addict is b.s!
As his wife support him,work with him let him know you’re there for him.I definitely know it’s difficult not to want to run,been there done that laid down the divorce papers on the table and said you choose.
If he wants his family and happiness he’ll do anything and everything to work for it but he needs your support.
This happened to me 10 years ago I stuck by him him and he knew I was there for support as much as I hated him and what he was doing we worked through it and we survived and going stronger than before.
An addict will always be an addict. But they can be a recovering addict, THAT’s the difference. My story is very similar to yours, I stood by and supported my husband and he chose us too. Been clean for 4 years and is giving back to the family (NA) that helped him get there. He is a stronger and better person and grows more everyday. I actually thank the disease for his growth, he is truely a wonderful person.
I understand that you feel betrayed, you're hurt and angry. But please don't just pack up and walk. You have 20 years of an otherwise good marriage (I'm assuming as you haven't mentioned any other negatives). Maybe he hasn't been clean the whole time and you've just found the entire 8 years worth of 'empties' at once.
I would suggest getting the kids, if you have any, to spend a night away from home so you can talk openly with your husband. Collect everything you've found and show him that you know.
He will get angry that you e gone through his stuff. But make it clear that you aren't looking for a fight. That you want to help him. He may not want to stop.
If he's been working in the construction field for so long he would have had dozens of drug tests and he's clearly passing the tests. Which leads me to believe that perhaps the extent of his use goes no further than a quick pipe after work on a Friday.
If this is the case then he's clearly not a junkie. He's still a good husband, he's not taking time off work to get high.
My partner uses, I really don't like it either, however it's only once a month if that. He doesn't hide it from me. Well you can't really, it's pretty obvious when he's on it. He's never not contributed to the household because of it, never missed work, never nasty or violent either on or coming down. Not everyone who uses the stuff is a junkie. There are plenty of people around who keep their shit together while being a regular user.
Please don't just throw away a 20 year marriage without talking to him first. Set some boundaries. Only on a Friday night, try for only once a fortnight or month. Ask him to be honest with you about his use, and monitor it (but don't nag). And obviously if you still have kids at home, not near them and keep it well hidden so they can't find it. Perhaps a small safe.
So because you’re an enabler, you’re telling this poor woman to do the same?
Fuck off with your dangerous and irresponsible advice!
There are plenty who keep their shit together for a while, it can be a long while, some people have less addictive personalities, but it eventually claims them, eventually.
The slide will be gradual, your expectations of him will slowly become less and you won’t even see it. You will be in the midst of it, in denial, taking your kids on the ride with you. Before you know it, shit hits the fan. Kids will be damaged because they too slowly get used to the hell that their father becomes. Enjoy the journey.
Actually you’re already there, a quick pipe on a Friday, eight years of empties...wtf.....denial, denial, denial.
did you ever imagine yourself saying that?
He pays the bills, that’s whats important.....smh
Dumbest comment of the day award goes to ⬆️🙄
It’s called denial love and you are there. No user only has it once a month. I suggest you seek some help your self love. he has you bluffed or you are very naive. Get snooping miss, open your eyes up for the sake of you and your kids if you have any. My husband works in construction and has rarely had a drug test, twice max in 7 years.you have a lot to learn sweetly, drug users are open, they lie. You said yourself you don’t really like it but hey look at you there settling for less than what you deserve putting you and your kids at risk. Happy snooping and I’d be starting with his car & I hope you find the courage in yourself to stop denying it and stop offering stupid advice to people putting them at risk. You need to concentrate in your on backyard. Someone is putting on a very good front to hide it.
Hi OP, can you update us whether you have kids in the house please? I.e are kids being put at risk. Depending on this whether you stay or go (ask him to leave).
Wow I could have written this.
I caught my husband smoking it at 2 am in the morning.
Firstly keep the evidence, and tell someone you trust.
Get the kids out of the house and then gently bring it up.
Then you have to make a choice. Accept his use
Accept he is a addict and get help together
Or leave.
We went down the path of rehab two weeks before christmas.
Been clean since.
Honestly it isn't easy. Some days I fucking hate him! Other days I want to wrap him in cotton wool and smother him in love.
But personally I had to give it my all before considering walking away.
What ever you choose make sure you ultimately have support.
This guy was using before, possibly never stopped.
How’s this any different to cheating? You found out by accident. He didn’t come to you to disclose his relapse and ask for help.
I reckon he’s been using for a very long time 😏
I’d take a zero tollerace approach. Separate. He then makes his decision. It’s not your job to fix him. I’m presuming you have kids, you do not want to put them through the detox process (if that’s even what he decides to do)
Sounds like it’s not been an easy 20 years with this man. It’s certainly not like you’re bailing on him at the first sign of trouble, but you cannot do this for him. It’s his road, his life, his choice.
Good luck. I hope you’ve got a good support network around you xx
Addiction is very different to infidelity. But she does need to make sure she is safe.
You need to be proactive. Start researching rehabilitations. I found on YouTube an informative documentary done by four corners called rehab inc. I also called to ADAF family help line and they recommended a leading rehab centre in Melbourne. We were able to use our private health insurance for this one. We only paid a gap. Go to either a public rehabilitation hospital or private one that is affiliated with health insurances. The other ones that cost around $30000 are robbing you. Also my husband and I only had hospital cover but learnt that our health fund would waver the weight time once only. When my husband was in rehab there were a few people that had used their super.
Have a calm talk with him, did he use NA to get clean last time? If he is willing and admits he has a problem look at meetings and possibly rehab. If he doesn’t admit he has a problem you may have to ask him to leave, just let him know you are there to help when he’s ready to accept it xo
I am also going through this right now as I have found evidence and then searched his phone for confirmation through conversations he's had (I know this isn't ideal and I don't usually feel the need to do this - I just think I was in denial and needed to know for sure). Thank you for posting your question as it's helping me feel less alone when I know I would've been too scared to ask myself. I'm still at a loss as to what to do, but I definitely don't feel confident enough to bring it up to him as I've seen his meth rages lately but haven't realised what they were at the time until now. Does anyone have information on this drug, I've tried to google it, what the affects are, how it makes you feel, why people get so addicted easily etc so I can better understand why he has turned to this. If anyone has answers or guidance I'd really appreciate it. Good luck with everything - I know the sick with worrying you're going through and am thinking of you!
Can you go to your local gp to get information? Or even a drug rehab centre?
Thank you for your advice, I will try to find information and support from a centre nearby.
He is obviously still battling with his addiction. You need to confront him, tell him what you found and find out if he is willing to work on kicking this addiction. If he is showing and expressing the bad and violent side effects then I would remove myself and remove any children but again if he is willing to work on giving it up then still support him but from a distance where you are safe. He has hidden it from you because he knows it's wrong and he shouldn't be doing it which believe me does not justify it but it does explain it. Good luck