My partner and i have been together 3 years. We both have two children each from prior relationships.
i never married he did.
We are expecting our first child together .
He wants the child to take his last name.
I want the child to have mine.
We currently do not live together.
He is susposed to move in soon, however he will also be keeping his rental house for a period of time incase things dont work.Which hurts but i understand he needs a home for his children and the rental is very well priced.
i just want my child to have my last name, i never got that with my other two and ive always regretted it.
I also do not like the fact his ex wife will have the same name as my child and i wont.
Marriage is not somthing on the table for us, and i doubt he will ever give me his last name.
Am i wrong to give the child my name?
for all those posting comments about why am i more important etc.
i have tried to come to a agreement with him to hypernate both names. he said the only way the child wont have his name is if its not his or i do it on my own.
why should i be forced to bow down and give our baby his name when he will not come to a mutual decision...
43 Replies
Could you do a hyphenated surname?
i offered this.
But the responce was pretty much no its having my name
And why does he think he has the right to make the decision on his own? Hyphenated is a great compromise and it is what BDM will do if you guys can’t agree anyway.
He sounds like a dick to be honest.
Just do it. Why doesn’t his ex wife change back to her maiden name? He alrasdy has kids with his surname, put your foot down, there’s nothing he can do about it.
i guess she also wants the same name as her kids, i dont blame her.
When I divorced the first thing I did was get his surname off anything that was mine - drivers license, passport, bills, everything. I don’t understand why she would want to have that following her just for the sake of being able to give a Medicare card with all the same surnames. Seriously, I know it feels like it but it’s not that big a deal. Just give the baby your surname and there really is nothing he can do.
My mum divorced my Dad 20 years ago, she still has his surname because it was just a hassle to change it all!
Either way, his ex wife's name is not relevant here, that's her business!
I can totally unde rstand why she haant changed it to a different name than her kids. She named them HER surname, its her identity now, nothing to do with him or being his wife. But she should go with Ms. Not Mrs. I agree leave her to her choices and dont overthink that part of it, its really nothing to do with you.
Unless of course theyre not divorced and maybe werent seperated and the divorce hasnt happened yet. Then she is still Mrs Xyz and then I understand your concern about her presence and name.
Yours of course. If he wanted it to br his then he shouldnt have made a baby until you were married and had his surname. Any time before that he has no reason to assume it should or would be his.
The baby wasnt planned... he didn't want more kids but has stuck by ne untill now
Yes that happens. You dont owe him anything to make him stick around. If he leaves over this thats all on him.
I know I sound hardass but the regret of women who are pressured to give his name is real.
Also, the pressure from the general view that the mans name is the done thing is real. And its all nonsense and quite demanding of him actually.
If marriage isn’t on the table then I’d absolutely go with my name. I went with my name for my son and it was the best thing ever. The guy sounds like he has one foot out the door already.
Why are you any more important then him and vice versa?
I am old fashioned in a way and the kids take on the fathers name as in the future marriage is normally on the table or has already happened. What happens if sometime down the track you do get married? Then the kid won't have your last name.
if we did get married, its much easier to legally change a last name with both parents on board...
if i give the baby hos last name and we did not get married i cant change it without his permission.
It’s 2018 ffs! She can keep her name even if she did get married down the track. No wonder the rates of DV are do high, we’re still dealing this such antiquated views of women and children as chattel 🤦♀️
Honestly, your relationship sounds rocky. For that reason, I think the baby should have your surname because it really comes down to what's in the child's best interest.
Ah so many of these arguments now! Honestly I do not have the same surname as my kids and we all have survived. They are all in their teens/young adults and it has bever been an issue nor have I ever been butt hurt over the fact I have a different surname. I'm proud of my name and my family so I will never change it. My family live on the other side of the country and my kids don't have much to do with them. They have alot to do with their Dad and his side of the family (separated) and the surname is quite well known in our area, my kids are proud of their name. It was never about me or my ex it was about my kids and which name would be better for them. So over all this tit for tat shit with names and kids its ridiculous.
Thank you 👏👏👏
I don't have the same name as my kids, it's never been an issue. The only thing that bothers me that other people are bothered by my children and I not sharing a name!
My daughter even laughed at a kid at school (who'd obviously adopted her parents narrow minded view) that said I wasn't her "real mum" because we don't have the same name.
A surname doesn't make a family, in this day and age where blended families are a dime and dozen it's not uncommon for some families to have a mixture of several surnames!
To be perfectly honest, there are much more pressing matters to deal with in this situation. The name can wait, deal with everything else first!
Yesss! It really is a non-issue... but people like to make it a deal
You didnt have the same name as your kids and your fine, so he will be too. Non-issue he should drop it 👍
It's so common to not have the same last name as your kids nowadays anyway. My daughter is at school and has never had anyone even comment about her last name being different to mine. It's never caused an issue.
I get that it should be a non-issue but then it also should be a non-issue to hyphenate. She has offered this and he is digging his heels in.
In my case it was a big issue because I knew he wasn’t going to stick around!
If it’s such a non issue then give the kids the mothers surname
I find this weird. What makes you more entitled then him? I get you questioning it and I don’t agree that he seems completely stubborn against including your name. I think you are both wrong and it should be a mutual decision. The whole relationship sounds sketchy. To be completely fair it should be hyphenated if it’s an issue for the both of you, then there is no one excluded.
Shes the birth mother. Taking her name should be the status quo its a no brainer.
This is such an arrogent comment. Just because men dont birth children does not give them any less rights to a child. Just because we women birth them do dont make ok to be our way or the highway. They need to compromise ( you may want to look that one up in the dictionary ). I agree if they cant agree then hyphenate it...you so both are equal.
No it's not arrogant at all. That's a very close minded way to push your own opinion. through history women have been made to marry, take his name, give his name to children, if anything FAIR is that all children automatically take the mothers name for the next 150 years.
Also, when you're talking to an unmarried mother, whether relationship is solid or not, guilting her and applying pressure to give to him in the name of being 'FAIR' to him, really gets on my nerve. Parenting and compromise has absolutely nothing to do with the child's last name, amazing how you say it proudly to pressure women to give to him, but never in reverse. They are not married, it's commonsense. it's so bloody sad that it's so often such a battle for a woman who wants this.
Where did I say she should give the child his surname? I didnt but i am saying just because we women birth the child its not our given right to make the final decisions for the child and a father just becomes a yes man. This is BOTH their child and neither are right or wrong for their reasons/points of view for giving the child their own last name. Only thing I will say is he IS wrong when she did suggest a comprise on the situation.
Agree he is wrong. Making one decision that she feels strongly about and that is commonsense for their situation does not make him any less of a father, nothing close to a yes man, or her any less compromising or giving, interesting connections to make though.
She was be prepared to hyphenate, he wasn’t. I don’t think it’s her being stubborn.
Hyphenated names are a bit stupid though. He's just wanting the child to have a traditional name. Giving the mums name is for kids who's dad's aren't in the picture.
Giving dads name has traditionally only ever happened when mum and dad are married and mum has taken his name prior time of birth.
If he wants to follow tradition then what he needs is a shotgun wedding.
Except we’re not equal. Everyone assumes and expects the child will be given the fathers name
Regardless of your relationship status, you're both parents. No one is more important than the other. Tradition is a child takes their father's name. I wouldn't say that if the father wanted nothing to do with the child but that's not the case. Either agree to a hyphenated name or go with dad's name.
Actually historically if they aren’t married the child would have mums name and be referred to as a bastard.
I don’t understand... you both have two children already so you know the difficulties in raising kids. I say bugger the name. If you can’t even agree on that as a precursor for parenting then sheesh you need to forget that and sort out more important things. I would hyphenate the name as a compromise for both parties and do it without guilt.
My two cents.. your name.
If he leaves and you both have a different name, it complicates things. Future legal documentation will need both signatures etc.
However, if child has your name and he refuses to sign birth certificate you’ll only ever need your signature for legal purposes (future drivers license, school enrolments, passports, visas etc)
If child has your name and he DOES sign the certificate then you’ll still need both signature anyway.
It would make it easier for you if child has your name and he doesn’t sign birth certificate.
My daughter has her dads last name and he is on her birth certificate (we aren't together) it has caused me no issues and I've never needed his signature for anything.
I’s your child over 14? Needed a TFN? Drivers license? Passport? Visa?
I needed all that and no father around to sign it. Took more paperwork to state father wasn’t available
Your relationship isn’t on solid ground, but besides that, fuck the old patriarchial bullshit of women and kids being a man’s possession!
Give the child your last name. You’re going to be the primary carer, the child will be living with you. And why has the ex wife still got his name? wierd...
Depending on his last name can you use it for your child's middle name? The baby will be "baby your last name" in the hospital. The baby daddy has 50% input into your child's name and 0% into yours (you can change it to his or to butternutpumpkin you just pay fee to the state you live in).
"Or you will do it on your own"
Do it on your own. He's clearly too immature if he refuses to negotiate