My partner and I are separating with the intention of working things out.
At present our relationship has fallen to the way side. He has no interest in me whatsoever. Weve slept together a handful of times in the last 2 years. Havent had a date night in 3 and birthdays/ anniversaries/ mother's day go by without thought or acknowledgment.
I am treated as the help/ a nanny etc. I'm home all day every day with our 2 under 3, I do the night shifts, I do the cleaning, the cooking, the dinners, bath times, bed times. He works away sometimes and works late every day and the occasional Saturday. His work schedule has made it hard looking for jobs as any job needs to fit in with his schedule. I've also had to withdraw from my degree as I never had time to study. I havent hung out with friends, child free in over 2 years, I havent had 'me' time (that didnt involve him taking the kids so I could catch up on washing/ the walls/ fans/ windows etc) in over 2 years.
He never says "no you cant do x y z" it just always works out that hes not home and I cant do them. He has had multiple boys trips a year, has beers with colleagues multiple times throughout the week, will have days to watch his racing's, pub nights etc.
He says he knows that me and my needs get pushed to the side continuously but while the kids are so young it's just something I'll need to accept.
So I've decided to move out in an attempt to save our relationship and make me matter again. Make me a person again, make myself a priority and not the 'help' again.
I'm hoping we can date and be silly and flirt and what not again. Has anyone else tried this and has it worked? He says hes keen to try it but I also shouldn't have any expectations of him
21 Replies
I have to say, in this case, it won’t work. It won’t achieve what you want because you will still have the kids majority of the time and he doesn’t really want to change the current arrangement. I think you’ll be banging your head against a brick wall.
My partner and I just separated due to the same sort of thing. We have tried breaks a few times, he says he will do this and do that and it never stuck. I was really resentful of him as he made me feel very unwanted, unattractive and unloved and he knew I'd cry myself to sleep but wouldn't care or do anything about it. He would reject me a lot, like 90% of the time, and would never just be silly or playful or flirt with me and it felt like I just had a roommate. He'd go off with his friends a lot and wouldn't hang out with the kids and I when he said he would as well. I do miss him but we just weren't compatible and are better off as friends. It sounds like you two are the same.
I do think you'll be banging your head against a brick wall, and in all honestly if he's keen to try it, I'm inclined to think he wants to seperate.
I think enrolling your children in childcare 1-2 days a week will help you. Give you "you" time again and opens the possibility of employment if thats what you want.
Id also be opening up the idea of him having the children one weekend a fortnight. claw back that time for you, your children will be better knowing they're having quality time with dad and not just "dads there" time.
I think your ready to seperate, but before you do, consider the daycare options. It might just be the change you both need to find yourself and each other.
Anon here
He will have the kids Friday night after work (which I have told him he'll need to finish on time and not have drinks to get the fed and bathed before bed time) and I will pick them up Monday morning which he will start at a normal time instead of early like usual.
Hes upset he wont see the kids every day (he usually got around half an hour in the mornings with them) and is unhappy with only weekends and has intentions of 50/50 care in the future while having an au pair to help during world days.
I have enrolled to complete a diploma so I can gain employment and put kids in kindy/ care which he has informed me I'll have to pay for since he'll be paying child support so I'm not sure how this will work out financially in the end.
I wish you luck with however it goes xx
If youre doing child support and custody then youre actually splitting, not seperating.
Its great to make sure hes not pff the hook but you also need to put in there family time and dates if reuniting is the end goal.
Are you moving out and taking the kids with you? Honestly, what is going to change? Are you going to have them babysat in order to have the you time? If so, why not just do that now?
Hi
We've tried all of that. Separate rooms and all and nothing changed. Financially our relationship isnt a priority for him so he always said no to baby sitters and such.
I need to move out to stop feeling like the help more so than the dating.
In moving out and him having to clean after himself, the kids on the weekend, cook for himself, his own washing, being mindful of times to follow routines etc I'm hoping he realises he needs to help out more, be home more and be more of a partner in crime when it comes to the kids.
So it's about more than just the daring, although dating being a big one too.
I'm hoping in having to go out of his way to see me and being thoughtful will change his way of thinking.
If it's agreeable by both of you, it might work out if you maintain regular contact. Too easily you can slip off the other's radar, and you should both be proactive to stop this happening:)
Could he be having an affair? You have quite a few signs there. Either way I think you're making the right choice by leaving.
Hello, we tried this about 4 or 5 years ago, i thought if he had time and space he wouldnt take us for granted anymore and if he had to do his own cooking/cleaning he might realise help me more too.
It worked in the short term..he was a better father when he saw them and wasnt stressed and angry all the time, however i got lumped with everything while he only had to be a dad once a fortnight. He apologised and we got back together, but eventually things fell back into the same old habits.
Its tough when u have small kids, its the hardest time of a marriage in my opinion.
You shouldn’t have quit your degree, if you really want something, you make it happen. Plenty of single mums have done it, it’s hard work, but it’s doable. I wouldn’t leave until I had a plan about what I was going to do career wise. I’m so sorry you’re in this position, he’s an idiot, doesn’t appreciate what he has and sounds like he has all the answers. Wait until he has to pay child support and pay au pairs plus they constantly leave, let’s see how his reality actually turns out, I guarantee it won’t be as easy as he thinks. Good luck to you xxxx
There could be other reasons why she quit as well. I had to quit one I was doing due to the fact that when I had started it was government funded and I could pay it off. However, a couple of months after I had started it they decided it isn't going to be funded anymore and was 4 times the price. So I couldn't afford it and didn't realise it would go up in price that much or else I wouldn't have done it in the first place.
She clearly stated the reason, she didn’t have time to study!
That last line tells me he wonr change and it wont work. You do matterand i hope as well as working on him you do put the work into yourself. It can be very hard at first but work it out and get your time and youll find your happy place again eventually - its possible its just circumstance and people that make us believe its not.
You're describing a family breakup not space to work on yourself and your relationship? Can you funnel the cost of 2 rents, bills everything into a babysitter once a fortnight?
Can I just sympathise with you a moment - that all sounds awful! I’m sorry your in this situation, no one deserves to be forgotten and have their goals, wants and needs pushed to the side as if they’re nothings!
Girl, you have 2 young children with this man and I’m sure in your heart you want it to work more than anything! But it shouldn’t be at the cost of your everything.
I can only go off the situation and it’s difficult to give advice when I have no idea what your and your partner’s personality’s are like etc but I’d say give this separation a try, and see if it adds anything positive, but don’t go off the time you spend apart, go off the time spent together after the separation and be sure to give it time as he might be great for the first couple weeks and slowly start to fall back into the same shit as now.
Just don’t lose yourself anymore than you already have! He needs to take responsibility and care of his children just as much as you do. Just don’t compromise your happiness and throw your life away being the “help” when you strive to be so much more!
Good luck with the journey, I sincerely hope it’ll work out for the best!
Moving out with the kids will cause all sorts of stress for you and the children, not to mention having to buy everything again. You need to stay in the family home where the kids are comfortable and you have everything you need. Do you realise the bullshit you will have to go through just to find a rental? Get more furniture? Whitegoods? All while dragging two children around. Do you have your own car or are you going to need delivery people to get you set up?
He will be far better equipped to move out, considering he only needs to look after himself.....which is what he does anyway. This way you can concentrate on reclaiming you. I also think that once he starts living alone, and gets used to doing his own chores, he will actually enjoy that life much more, and it will be him that won't come back. Except when he wants a hot meal provided or get his laundry done for him or he couldn't score at the club!
Just sitting with my husband reading what you wrote. This was us not so long ago, I suffered the way you did, it destroys you in ways you don’t expect.
He was always defensive, didn’t understand what my problem was, couldn’t understand why I was so hurt every time he made time for other people over me.
His opinion was he worked hard, he provided a good life, he should be able to relax with his friends if he wanted to. I just wanted him to want to be with me too, make time for me, I just never seemed to be a priority.
I lived it for 6yrs, till like you I said I was done. I was tempted to move out, just to get some mental clarity, but I didn’t.
We decided to do counseling first, it is the only thing that saved us. It wasn’t fun, we both hated going, but it worked. He still stuffed up here and there (being human and all) but he eventually got what it was doing to me and he was soooo sorry.
If I read your post even 6 months ago, it would have put me in tears, I remember how brutally crushing those feelings where. I’m so sorry your going through it hon 😘😘😘
Would he be willing to see someone with you?
Similar position here, although further along. I fully wanted him out of the house for good 2 years ago and told him to leave- he had the kids once every 2 weeks for the weekend, but didn’t improve any parenting skills, as he’d never really done it before. I got myself into a course, which I’ve wanted to do for a very long time, so I felt more empowered and had more self respect. He came to me 6 months ago begging for me back, that he needed me etc. I agreed to have counseling, but he needed to organise it. Fast forward to now, with no counseling appointments being made, but the other day there was a new child support amount worked out because he’d submitted all his taxes which is significantly higher than currently being paid- yesterday he talked about counseling and how he’s booked in and I await the confirmation of that appointment. It’s so blooming hard, because it WOULD be so much easier if we were together, but it’s looking unlikely at this stage, as he is not performing like he was asked to- my point is, make yourself stronger first, as a seperated mum, you’ll be able to get help with childcare and get your studies up and running again, focus on you and the kids and showing them your self respect. No matter what the outcome, you won’t be left high and dry because you’ll have followed your heart.
Doing it alone will be easier, get a custody visitation arrangement that meets your needs.
Do mediation through relationships Australia.