I want your opinion (without being horrible or sarcastic).
"For fuck sake!" "why do you always do this shit?" "why would you be so stupid?" "you're a liar" "no it's bullshit." "what is wrong with you, seriously?" "There is something wrong with you if you can't even do a simple thing I tell you ever." "I am sick of your bullshit attitude." "God I'm sick of you." "Stop your fucking whinging." "You're such a whinger, no one cares." "If you say that to me again I'll smack you in the mouth." "If you don't put your plate in the sink you won't get any food all day, I don't care if you starve." "If you throw a toy in your room again I will lock you outside and you can sleep out there." "If you try to kick me I'll kick you twice as hard and I can kick harder" "Stop crying, you sook." "If you try to punch my face, I'll punch yours and see how you like it." Etc etc.
If you heard someone say any/all of these things to a 4/5 year old what would you think? Normal, tough love, shitty parenting, abuse?
Speaking to children
Speaking to children
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Behaviour, Kids
14 Replies
Verbal abuse and shitty parenting.
Even if the parent isn’t planning to follow through on the threats it’s setting the child up to learn that parent makes a load of shitty threats with no follow through. So that in itself is not a parent strategy I’d follow.
Shitty parenting, stressed parenting, a parent at their wits end with a child that try’s to punch them in the face, kick them ect. You could al aye ask them if they are okay before judging. Especially at this time where almost everybody is stressed
This is way beyond shitty parenting and tough love. It's straight up verbal and emotional abuse!
Consistent behaviour like this is very indicative of someone who has no positive parenting skills, someone who is not coping with their parental load or someone who is just down right cruel.
The psychological damage this does to children can be immense.
Abuse
What state is this in?
It sounds like old fashioned parenting to be honest and some people are like that as it is how they where bought up. Try and reach out and offer some help or suggest they do the Triple P parenting course online. This parent sounds like they are very stressed out and sure as hell parenting a kid like that would be bloody tough!
Also since you hear so much are you in the same house and is it your spouse saying this to your kid?
Abuse. Would you like someone to speak to you in this manner? No? Then it’s not ok to speak to anyone else like that, either.
Wrong, wrong, wrong! These are children, our behaviour models theirs! I go with speak how you want to be spoken to. Could be stressed parenting aswell. I called my kids f’ing ar@/holes the other day, and well they were pretty damn terrible at the time and I felt terrible. It was the first and hopefully the last time. This Covid thing has really stressed me out.
Sometimes I say these. Now I feel like a shit parent 😭. I.never thought of it as abuse now I definitely feel shit as I'm assuming this parent must feel...
This is abusive parenting from a (possibly narcissistic) person who relies heavily on dominance and assertion of power and the 'need-to-be-needed'. The parent needs assistance and the tools to recognise their behaviour, responses and escalation.
Police child protection accuse that you're "allowing harm to the child" by leaving them in this exact kind of environment. (yes, from personal experience sadly).
So, the OPs recognition of this environment shouldn't be ignored. Offer what ever help possible to the parent and encourage a positive parenting style and suitable documentation for them (and OP) to get informed.
I say "for fuck sake" "why do you always do this shit" which without the "shit" on the end would be "why do you always do this" which isn't bad imo..
I say "why would you be so stupid" because some of their behavior and decision are stupid..
I say "your a liar" if they have lied.
"no it's bullshit" which isn't bad.
I have said "what is wrong with you seriously" when mega frustrated and apologized for it later.
I have have said "there is something wrong with you when you can't do as your told ever" when mega frustrated and again apologized later.
Iv definitely said "I'm sick of your bulls hit attitude" cause let's face it sometimes it is.. Lol.
Iv said "god I'm sick of you" when at breaking point.
"stop your fucking whinging" which would also without the swearing be "stop your whinging" which imo isn't bad when they can whinge so much some days..
"stop whinging no one cares" yep said that...
Threatening to smack in the mouth is not OK!
"if you don't put your plate in the sink no food" can't recall saying that myself but I do know the frustration of them not putting dishes in the sink.
I have told my kids "I would lock them outside to sleep" when they have been completely mental to try get to sleep out of sheer frustration.
They know I never would though.
"if you kick me I'll kick twice as hard" sounds like old school parenting but not OK as its and empty threat (hopefully) but threat of harm also.
"stop crying you sook" yep said that many of times usually when they are doing a fake cry lol but I also tell my kids it's totally OK to show emotions and cry, my eldest is very over emotional so he's fine. Lol.
"if you punch me I'll punch you" not OK but again sounds like old school parenting and an empty threat but a threat to hurt a child isn't OK.
So to answer your question. Not all these are overly horrible or abusive.. It would depend on the context and honestly I swear like a sailor so some of these things literally only sound bad cause of the swearing. My kids don't swear either. But boy have I lost my cool at times! I'm a single mum of 3 with no support and mental health I'm trying to sort out but yer I'm not a perfect parent. I apologize and tell my kids I love them more than they probably want and I hug and kiss them more than they enjoy. They are sweet, kind compassionate, caring little souls and they also know mummy has bad days where she struggles with her own head. Like most parents do at some time. I would probably note the threats to hurt the child but I would offer this parent some support and suggest some good parenting classes that works more on a positive note not empty threats. It's hard being parent! Especially if this parent is not coping mentally and is a single parent with not much support.
I can tell you the guilt is awful as well. Good luck.
I’d say it’s one exhausted worn out Mumma who
Probably needs a break.. I am guilty of saying things like this when I am exhausted and I have no one to help me. We don’t mean it, it’s just pure frustrating kids pushing the wrong buttons and I am always telling my kids positive things. They know I don’t mean it. The love I have for them far outweighs anything I may say when I am stressed. Yes I feel like shit but some days they just push and push me to it and I lose my shit. Most mothers do.
I’ve been this parent - yelly, smacky, loud - out of control.
Some of the things listed above I’ve 110% said; not all at once, not everyday and not constantly but I’ve definitely been called abusive; in fact I got a letter detailing what a piece of shit parent I am, how I deserve to lose my child and how If I was heard again they’d report me - anonymously of course.
Since then I’ve looked at not so much WHAT I’m saying but HOW I’m saying it and how I’m handling situations/behaviours. I’ve made changes. I still say some of the things on the list - especially For fuck sake and stop whinging. But I’ve also noticed that I can be the most “textbook perfect” parent and someone is still going to have something to say about it.
Everyone is so quick to judge. Hell even I am. BUT you don’t know their situation. I received that letter and I was in a deep depression; struggling with my child and being judged but not helped.
And like I said I wasn’t everyday, constantly screaming at my child.
Most days and for MOST PARTS of everyday I tried to engage, play, laugh, sing, read, dance etc with my child but for a small part of some days I was fighting a smaller version of myself and it was awful.
Reading this post I’m gonna say - reach out to them if you’re in a position to do so. Pop a leaflet to a parenting course/mental health support or even a letter in their letter box. Approach it gently
If they don’t change / it escalates then 100% report it because yeah it is emotional abuse