Hi IM's, I'm feeling pretty disheartened and a bit lost as to how else deal with wanting a baby and my partner not being 'ready yet'. We've had multiple discussions over the past year about having children in the future and he has said he very much wants to be a dad (which I believe as he always loves being around his niece and our good friends young children) but that he's not ready yet. When I ask what do you think is making you feel not ready he always says financially we aren't ready which I understand it must be expensive to raise a child and I also have my worries about this too. But in saying that we've had many people we know who have had babies in circumstances similar to ours financially or even worse off and they make it work. We've both recently been given promotions in work so the topic was brought up again that I'm really feeling ready for us to have a baby. He insists he's still not ready and I've started to wonder if he'll ever 'be ready' and maybe it's more about the responsibility and how our lives will change rather than being about the cost of a baby. When I asked this he said it isn't and that it's about not owning our own home and finances again. He also said most recently he doesn't see it happening for him/us for atleast 5 years and to stop bringing the discussion up. I'm not sure what I'm asking but I guess I'm just feeling at a loss as to what to do next. I would never want to force such a big decision for him to be ready sooner or ever give an ultimatum and I don't like him feeling like I'm nagging all the time as that's the impression I've now gotten but I feel myself getting sadder each day about the idea of it not happening anytime soon. How do I help get past this until he is ready? Thank you in advance for any help.
(* We are 26 and 32 and have been together 2 years and both have stable careers and full time salaries)
Wanting a baby
Wanting a baby
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Kids
18 Replies
Buying a house is so much easier before you have kids rather than after, that part I agree with him on. But you really need to sit down and think about if you guys actually want the same things. Also you have only been together two years, thats not a very long time to be with somebody, and should probably wait a few more years before you decide to be shackled to this person for the rest of your life.
Your still so young. And you haven’t been together that long. Children test the very core of your relationship. And I tend to agree saving for a deposit and buying your own home is so much easier when you have 2 x full time incomes. What is your hurry? Enjoy your partner make him enough and when you are both ready go for it. You can’t push people into these decisions and think it will end well!
Why hurry? You are 26 and only been together 2 years.It's not about making It work because that's what others 'do' it is so bloody hard having kids mentally, financially its a giant test. If i was you i would focus on perhaps saving a deposit and getting in the property market. Think of saving for the future so you perhaps don't have to struggle on one income? Or have to go back to work after 4 months. Pay off car debts - perhaps give the baby talk a break for a few months. I sure wish I thought about this stuff a bit more first people may look like there making it work but behind closed doors who knows!
So I have the same issue with my partner
He wants to buy a house and then have a kid
I want a kid now
We compromised we’re buying a house
Can I ask how you feel about this day to day. Are you excited about buying a house/saving for it or are you just looking forward to it happening so you can therefor have a baby?
By today's standards you are both so young! Starting your family at 31 and 37 respectively sounds perfect to me!
5 years is nothing and if it means you can own your own home before kids come along and have that financial security, you're crazy if you wouldn't like that before introducing a child.
I had 3 kids by 21, i have basically lived on the poverty line for sometime. My kids are happy, healthy and grateful but they have missed out on a lot that a lot of families don't think twice about. I regret every day not being able to give them a better start to life.
You've got to think think about things like schools, basic necessities, swimming lessons, day care fees, extra curriculars etc.
I can also tell you - if I had my time again I'd have waited til my early to mid 30s before I started my family too. I missed the opportunity to be able to be carefree and spontaneous in my 20s.
Personally, i dont think ultimatums are fair in a healthy relationship. I think compromise is a better alternative.
I would suggest you makes some goals together, ie:
Save for 12 months.
Purchase a house within the next 12 months.
Create some savings for the following 12 months.
Then consider your position and think about conceiving as it's not always an immediate process.
You decide if you are prepared to gamble and wait the 5 years, or wether you are going to gamble and split up.
It’s a tough place to be.
A child is a huge financial responsibility. I'm not talking about nappies, formula etc - its things like careers, house deposits, holidays to name just a few. Yes, you can "make do", but financial stress is horrible. It strains relationships even further. Why not save for a while- either buy a house of have 12+ months of savings behind you. Buying a house with a dependent is much harder.
May be have a break from baby talk for a few months, or better yet, babysit a 3 month old for a day 😉
I think its a smart idea to wait. I had 4 kids young and I'm 40 now and still broke trying to help kids through uni and ATAR, it is literally draining for 20+ years the more you can set yourself up beforehand the better. You will be thanking yourself for that extra 5 years when your kids are older.
Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it.
You’ve only been together two years, give the relationship more time and I agree, setting yourselves up financially is important,
Also, is marriage important to you?
I ask this because every six months or so a woman gets on here with kids, the house, been together with their partner ten years and wants to get married and their partner refuses.
So if you are the marrying kind, don’t have kids until he puts a ring on it.
The responses to these women are usually, my partner knew I wouldn’t progress the relationship without marriage etc. I was upfront about this from the beginning.
I don’t think you need to be married to have kids, it’s not the 1960s, I just don’t want you to end up being one of those women with regret.
If you don’t give a crap about marriage and it isn’t important to you, more power to you, go ahead and live your life.
Marriage isn't something either of us are overly interested in. We mostly fit all the criteria of a married couple - living together, sharing bills/bank accounts, we have two dogs and similar views on most things. In saying this I have many friends who weren't married when having children with their partners but after children they changed their minds and wanted to be married so who knows. Never say never I guess.
Okay so everybody comments and told you to wait.
But I feel like I can totally feel your pain.
I became a mother at 21 after being with my partner for two years because I always had a longing to be a mother. It was actually a deal breaker with the guys I dated if they didn’t want to have kids young. I’m still with the same guy 8 years later (I am 26 too) and I have two kids now.
So in your position, I would be getting VERY impatient and frustrated.
Yes of course you make things work financially. Kids really aren’t that expensive (unless you make it that way) until they start getting older. Literally you can buy near brand new shit for kids everywhere these days which is what we did. We didn’t own our own home at that stage, we had like $5000 in our savings account and still managed to take a years worth of May-leave. We never scrapped by, we did fine.
It doesn’t sound like it’s a deal breaker for you though and that you’d be prepared to wait for him so I feel like that is your only option at the moment.
Thank you for your comment, I really appreciated a different perspective from the rest. I also don't feel like it is a deal breaker right now but it is heading that way and I am worried it will therefor contribute to me having resentment towards my partner when that time comes.
*Original Poster*
Thank you to everyone for your comments and advice, it is good to get different perspectives and opinions. To answer most of your questions, I'm not sure why I feel the rush, I also know it's not been a long relationship and understand it's usual to wait longer. For over a year now I just have this feeling of wanting more, to be someone's mum etc. Most of the people in my life who I've turned to for help on this have suggested alternatives that are in my favour as they just want to tell me what I want to hear, so all of your answers have been really helpful to see where my other half is coming from. I don't find owning a home is highly regarded in what I want or care about but if it is something important to my partner, maybe it is worth looking into more before having children and adding more financial stresses. Thanks again!
To me, you honestly sound like you want to play happy families. You’re in a hurry to grow up and do what everyone else is doing. Kids are bloody hard, and expensive. It’s not just nappies and clothes etc. it’s you missing a wage (and superannuation) it’s missing out on holidays ect as well if you aren’t finically secure. Instead of 5 years and ultimatums, I would sit down and discuss attainable goals and realistic dates, are you planning on working after baby or being at SAHM, all things you need to consider. Save for 12 months, if you’re both committed you should knock out a majority of a house deposit (and get a house before kids, so much easier). Then save again so you have a good savings account for emergencies. Now do you need to save again so that you can take that time off work?
You’re still so young, you need to think more long term then short term
If we all waited until we were financially ready how many would have any?
Some questions to ask yourself and partner...
How old do you want to be when your kids are adults and independent?
If you had a child now he’d be 55 yo by the time the child was independent. Young enough to travel, enjoy grand kids if that happens. Or 60ish if you had a few kids. Or be financially ready, what that means to one could be different to another. We have friends who waited until they owned their home before having kids. I see less financial stress but mine are almost off our hands and they are dealing with nappies.
We waited to try and conceive until we were together 5 years. My partner had just paid off his house (he worked 2 jobs and increadably long hours to do so), we had money in the bank and we were secure in our lover for each other.
It took us 6 years to conceive our 1st! It was so hard and emotionally draining each and every month. Then you would get the pregnancy announcements and then the baby announcements. It was hard.
We were 28 and 29. When we started and 34 and 35 when we had bub. We both would love to be on our 3rd baby by now but we are just hoping for another.
We both regret waiting and would have started sooner if we had known it would take so long.
How many children would you like? If more than 1 you may need to start soon. You just never know. We were both healthy, Specialist couldn't find anything wrong with our fertility, IVF didnt work.
My parents have never been financially ready and they had 6 children but we never went without. Couples do it every day. You just make it work.
I would go to the Dr and get fertility bloods and particularly to test your AMH(your egg reserve). just for you piece of mind