Can I live without him? Can I pretend things are ok?? Writing about him has made him closer - yet he’s still out of my reach… the irony of this is taunting me...
“Should I have done this? Should I have told his story? I am now wondering if it was a good thing for me to do?” It has brought with it so much pain... I’m feeling like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff barely managing… I have people around me I hear their voices… but it’s just noise….
In some ways I want to push everyone away... I want no one to talk to me. No one to ask “Are you ok?” But in another way I want him remembered. I want him honoured. Tomorrow is his day.
Grief is such a dangerous thing if you bury it. It can cause all sorts of damage. I know this. I didn’t realise how much I had buried…
Grief comes and some days you let it out – normally when you feel safe... When no one is around. They are silent… Silent Tears.
Today and tomorrow there will be no Silent Tears… They will be there for everyone to see…
My friend who lost her baby 5 days after he was born rang me a couple of days ago. She sobbed she cried. I said “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for bringing all of this up for you.” She said, “No no… all that you want for your baby that died is for them to have their time. You have given Titan his time and he would be so proud of you. You have also given all of us a voice, all of us who have lost their babies and for those who have forgotten we lost… like it never happened. Thank you for doing that. Thank you for giving us a voice”
That conversation saved me... I have wondered over the last couple of days if writing this blog –sharing my story - and Titan - with the world was a good thing. Maybe I have just opened my world up to more pain?? Have I exposed myself for everyone to see?
I know deep down it was right. I know this is my journey. It seems as though it is…
Titan Vallely 10/8/04, 7 Years tomorrow!
If you have lost and you also have many silent tears, please comment below; let’s let it out together... Let’s air it - Let’s honour those who we have lost…
13 Replies
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Your silent tears are a moving tribute to Titan, that cliff your on...look down Kristy, we are all here ready and willing to catch you. xoxo
That is so beautiful - Thank YOU XX
Why must your grief be silent ? Scream from the car window if you have to ! In a nutshell "do what you must" this is your Journey. I always think of grief as a scab if you pick it will bleed, eventually it becomes a scar that holds memories - you will look at it and know how it got there. I lost my beloved Parents on the same day in the same accident, not the same as a child but grief never the less follows. Some days I smile and some days I cry uncontrollably, after three years I have stopped apologizing to people for my reactions to certain things - why because this is my journey and I will celebrate them however I want, whether with laughter or tears that go on for days. I hope Titan crosses my Mothers path in heaven because she would be sure to love and hug him. I am thinking of you
Ohhh Jennifer - Thank you for making me smile.. next time I will scream from the car window... this is my journey you are so right... The grief you would have had to endure with the loss of both your parents would almost be unbearable.. Some days I too smile.. some days i do cry uncontrollably.. today was one of those days and I'm sure tomorrow will be also.. I do hope Titan does meet your Mum too! - Thank YOU you just warmed my heart!
Thankyou. Sadly at 17 weeks i discovered at a routine scan that my baby boy no longer had a heartbeat....maybe it was the amnio I had decided to have, maybe it was the girl I worked with that was exposed to "slap cheek". I no longer care why, but I constantly wonder why I didn't deserve that baby. 15 months later, I now have another baby boy to hold and cherish. He is a delight but he doesn't fill the gaping hole torn in my heart on 13 April 2010. At the time the pain was so physical I was pleased to be put to sleep while they took my baby away. I never wanted to wake up. when I did the pain was indescribable, I asked them to send me back to sleep. I couldn't bear it..... I wanted a baby so badly. I wanted THAT baby. I soon realized I would feel that pain every day. I raised my chin and returned to work after 4 days. I built a wall around me so strong I was able to face the world, return to work and do what I love to doody.... Laugh. I laughed but inside I was dying. I fell pregnant and I have been able to introduce our daughter to another baby brother.... That makes my heart sing and gives our angel boy a little freedom to spread his wings.... I stumbled on your blog the week that a good friend has had to face the same fate.... My heart breaks for her, for you, for me, and for all of us lost mummies. I thank you for putting cracks in my armor. I thank you for the safe space you have created and the gentle encouragement you have given to face my darkness, it's just the beginning of my journey to acceptance but I thank you for touching me. I hope you feel the strength you have given to so many.... There is amazing power in angel wings and as all our angel babies dance together they are showering us with the strength we need to live with them only in our dreams.... Kristy I wish you love and strength over the next few days. Titan would be so proud to have chosen you. X
Janelle tears are streaming down my face... I know all to well about that armor... I still wear it I think without if knowing that I do... it sort of becomes apart of you.. Most days are beautiful and I see his guiding light but some days are just so dark that it's quite suffocating.. I know Titan is proud of me, I know he is standing beside me.. today is a hard day tomorrow will be harder.. but i have to live it like you do... breath it in and know this is my journey... this is his journey....ever so tightly woven together.. I want to Thank you Janelle you have made my day that much more bearable thank you for reaching out... from one Mother to another that has shared a common journey.... Lot's of love to you xxxx
Thinking of you. Don't hold it in x
Yep! - letting it out!! felt better after I wrote that!
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such terribly moving words....xoxoxo
Oh why were you not around when I lost my baby girl on the 04-06-04. All I had was - not only my husband, who was also going through what I was - but a mother who lost her little boy in Chigago. We stumbled upon each other through a website I apparently told my story to (I can't remember doing it - like so much of my life at that time). We emailed each other for years after that.