Oh I am feeling utterly imperfect at the moment
Back story
Husband cheated on me and I ended marriage when DD was 3
He is from NZ
When DD was 5 he left and returned to NZ without so much as a goodbye.
I have re married and he is a wonderful man who treats and considers DD his daughter
Problems
DD will not speak to her dad on phone
He didn’t contact her more than once each year the last three years
He visits for 3 days a year and gives them $$$$$ and shopping sprees i cannot afford
DD (9 years) will no longer sleep in her bed, stating she misses him too much and needs to be with me
I can’t take this anyone. She literally gets hysterical and cries for hours when I tell her she has to sleep in her bed. I’ve upgraded bed, linen and pillows so she feels comfortable
Counsellor is booked but closed over January.
It is now coming between myself and hubs as it is affecting our alone time our space and she never ever leaves me. Not for 5 minutes!!! Have told her I am never leaving. Reassured her she is loved wanted and cared for and that we ar smog leaving her.
I have gone on anti anxiety pills to help me cope as it is very hard for me to deal with this every night.
I’ve tried tough love, talking, mindfulness, positivity, grateful journal. Nothing is working. She wants her dad but says she doesn’t really want him and won’t go if he comes here -
What would you do !
5 Replies
Oh this is tough.
To be honest, I would get her a double bed so you can lay with her, in her room.
This is not going to be a permanent thing. For the short term, she needs you. So please just be there for her. Look at it as a season in her life. This season is tough, she's coming into her own little person, and right now she is confused as heck. She needs a bit of grace right now.
Make some compromises with your husband around the sleeping arrangements.
Maybe strike a deal with your girl that you can lay with her on xyz night, and one or two nights you need better sleep, so will sleep in your bed. Keep it consistent, so she knows you're not "abandoning" her. Write it on a weekly planner or a calendar so she can see it.
Make one night a week a fun night where you can both do something fun or silly in her room like make a tent over the bed or decorate with glowsticks, fill the room with balloons, watch a movie in bed with popcorn and ice-cream etc etc.
I love this
Is there a loved and trusted adult she can stay with for a night? Maybe someone with younger children that will help occupy her and distract her? Even as an attempt so you can at least have a date night? My daughter was very similar and we tried everything we could think of so I fully sympathise and send my love and strength to you. Mine seems to have outgrown it now (14) though she still wakes up in the middle of the night sometimes (in her own room) and calls out to make sure I’m still there or she will come check I’m in bed but I figure it’s a small sacrifice for her to feel safe. Another trick we tried was allowing her to have a friend stay over. She didn’t want to look “like a baby” in front of the friend so it did work on Occassion
I’m in a similar situation, child feels abandoned and not good enough but doesn’t want to see dad and doesn’t talk about him, but forced to see him (as it suits him & whether he turns up or not) due to orders in place. It’s very hard, Counselling is absolutely the best thing, a counsellor who is very experienced in child trauma is what has helped us the most. We’ve seen others and other specialists, but none have hit the mark like the experienced trauma counsellor we now have. Every child wants a dad but when dad has let them down they want dad, but for dad to be different. It’s a long road and takes as long as it takes. I don’t really have any advice as far as your own relationship goes as I don’t have that and child sleeps with me every night, where child feels safe and loved. I do think child is most important and needs you the most at this present time, until child has strategies to manage their emotions and feelings. I know you will be feeling at a loss, please ensure you have support for yourself at this time, and someone to vent to. It takes patience and support to get through, just remember this tiny little human is carrying so much weight on their shoulders and are not at an age they know how to deal with these feelings, mum is their safe place and also can be the person they take their emotions out on the most because they feel safe and secure to do so, I wish you the best and I hope that things improve for both you and your little one, cry when you need to it certainly helps and you are not alone ❤️❤️
I find it interesting that you got yourself help and medication first, rather than her?
If you’re feeling like this just watching her pain, imagine how she’s feeling.
I hope you get her the help that she needs.
Did mindfulness, a grateful journal or positivity fix your anxiety?
Nope, didn’t think so.
She also needs more than a counsellor, she needs a child psychologist.