Where do I begin?
I'll try not to take up too much of your time.
I am a 30 year old married mother of 2 beautiful kids, my daughter is 13 and has additional needs. She has multiple diagnosis including ASD, 2 types of epilepsy, an intellectual disability and behavioral difficulties. She attends the only special needs school available to us.
My son is 7 and is neuro typical attending mainstream school and is generally a very easy going, well rounded and caring boy.
I myself have multiple mental health diagnosis including PTSD, major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and mild OCD.
Pheww I'm tired just from typing all of that.
My husband is not the biological father of my eldest. He is a loving, caring and greatly supportive husband and father but as you could understand all of the above has taken a massive toll on all of us. As individuals, parents, partners and as a family over the last 10 years.
He has never been great at communicating and has completely shut down and is functioning robotically. Work, home, sleep repeat.
18 months ago I had a breakdown and ended up in hospital. I have been seeking help through psychologist, psychiatrist and medication for 8 or so years.
My family is divided. We are 4 separate beings existing in the same house.
I spend every waking moment fighting between just functioning, making it through the day and giving my children the best of my ability which honestly i am failing miserably at both.
All of us are in counselling.
I am a mess, our life as a family is a disaster and i can see no hope for the future.
I'm doing everything in my ability to get well and live a better, more functional life and have been for my entire adult life.
Its not getting any better. I'm not getting any better. I feel entirely alone and have lost any form of hope.
My question for anyone who has made it to the end of this novel is.
What am i missing? How can i make this better? For me and my family?
Does anyone have some similar experience who can shed some light on how and why to move forward?
I am so tired and completely alone.
Thank-you for reading
5 Replies
You need some help.
Financially, can you afford a nanny or a cleaner?
Someone to take some pressure off you? You need time to reconnect as a family unit. Camping for a few days? A few hours a day as a family - outside and just “being” with each other?
Try dinners at the table as a unit, use some cue cards to help get you started in a conversation that ISNT about stressful topics, but about your day, their day, sharing information and facts, funny stories and lighten the mood in the house.
Play games together - board games, gardening, picnic at the park or even going for an afternoon walk.
My point is, RECONNECT with each other. Break the cycle or wake, eat, work, eat, sleep.
I definitely think you just need to reconnect with your family.
Start working together instead of along side each other.
Ask your husband how his day was, listen and then tell him about the positive things in your day. This has been crucial key to my own relationship because I often forget to just ask him, and often rattle off all the annoying shit things I’ve had happen to me that day... focus on listening to him and then putting forward your positives from the day.
Things we do to connect as a family is really super simple. We grab coffee from maccas (and a bag of $1 cookies for the kids) or from our fave coffee shop and find a new park, or walk along walking tracks/the lake together. Sometimes we take the kids bikes.
Some days our kids are feral and we kind of wonder why we even bother. But so many times it’s amazing and we all have a ball.
Take photos, laugh and stop worrying about the world for a minute.
Keep working through your own issues and seeing your professionals. Make time to do something for yourself. Even if it’s as simple as a cup of tea on your own in the sun of a morning, but make a note that this is YOUR time to just sit and be. Or your time to just do whatever you need to do to have some time for you.
Meditation? Have you tried that?
I know some days are extra hard but i think when you start being proactive and making small plans to reconnect with your family and give yourself some of your own time, things can start to look up. And things just “feel” a little easier.
Be gentle on yourself. And start making small changes, little steps. But honestly, you got this.
I’m no expert but you sound like your being way too hard on yourself x Theres a lot going on in your life, it sounds complicated and difficult and you’re not to blame. It really does seem like you’re doing everything you can and are a loving mum and good person. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I may come off as horrible by what I am going to write, but here goes.
Take away your labels, all of them. Your life is what it is. Learn to accept it, learn ways to cope. Learn how to let go of what you can’t control. The more you hang onto it the more it engulfs your life. You really are in control even if it feels like you are not. It’s taking that power back that will help you heal and manage better.
Everyday is a new day, so if today is absolutely horrendous.... before bed shake it off, if that means crying to sleep, screaming into your pillow do it. Start the new day fresh, forget the previous day. Every morning write a list of what is good in your life, what you are grateful for. Start somewhere, even if your list is only one or two things to begin with .... slowly overtime this will grow. Enjoy the small things in life, appreciate your family, your uniqueness, your challenges. They do help build you, your reaction and coping skills define your emotions. Celebrate triumphs.... say you have a mixed day, focus on the good things and lift them up, be happy that the day was only partially trying.
For now look into additional help with housework and meals to support you while feeling so overwhelmed.
Sounds crazy I know but give it a try....
Follow Medical Medium regarding your health issues