I’ll TRY and make this as short as possible.
As an 8 year old I was sexually and physically abused by a family member. I started to eat (and put on weight) to cope. I never told anyone about the abuse for many years, I told a counselor years after it happened and my partner knew before my family.
Fast forward to me in high school. I tried cutting my wrists in class then what eventually followed was me being diagnosed with depression. That was 20ish years ago, so that’s how long I’ve had depression and been on medication for it.
Today I’ve been with my partner for nearly 15 years and we have a 4 month old child and I’m suffering post natal depression. I also have an auto immune disease which makes me very tired and I have developed anxiety in the last few years. We have had our shares of ups and downs and we’ve been on again and off again. My partner said I used up all his sympathy over the years and now trying to get him to understand is so hard, he was raised not to show too much emotion and by someone who I think was kind of harsh.
The last few years have been particularly shit as we lost 2 babies in 2014 and then one again in 2016, he was supportive. I totally understand this is hard for him to. I know I’m f#*ked up. I try to tell him as much as I can how much I love him and thank him for cooking dinner or that I appreciate him. He has a hobby which I have no issue with him participating in, he does work hard and he deserves his down time to.
The first couple of months after I had bub were really rough on bub and I and he has been great. He is a fantastic father and helps out where he can but he does work away from home every 2nd week which I find tough. I have been trying to be really supportive as 1 of his parents has just passed away. He seems to have dealt with it ok or maybe that’s what he wants me to think.
Anyway I’m sick at the moment with a cold I think, trying to cope with post natal depression and a baby going through a growth spurt and grief. It just feels like all his sympathy for me is gone again. He can’t understand that I have trouble getting out of bed some mornings. I know he is going through rough times as well and I’m doing my best to support him through. I love him so much and I know he loves me. I just wished he could understand how rough this is for me. I also wish I could understand what he is going through. He often just says I can’t use my depression or auto immune disease as an excuse.
I guess my question is should he try and be a little more supportive of me? Would counseling help him and us? Cause after a crap day today I just feel like I need some space from him.
10 Replies
I'm going to say a few things here which I hope in no way minimise what you're going through. I've been through severe bouts of anxiety and depression. I just want to try to help you understand what hubby might be feeling.
It's exhausting being the partner of someone with any significant illness or medical condition. I know that my husband has struggled with my illness and behaviour due to it over the past 12 years.
It can be very hard to empathise with someone as well, since even though many people suffer from these conditions, it's different for everyone. Even I struggle to empathise with others who suffer anxiety because their anxieties are different to mine.
People with anxiety and depression can be quite toxic to be around. I lost a few friends early on due to my difficult behaviour. My husband has been quite honest about the fact that I haven't always been the easiest to be around.
Your partner is possibly trying to communicate to you that he's exhausted. That he has no energy left. That even when he's tried to help it hasn't worked. Men generally like to be able to fix things. It's probably not that he doesn't want to be there for you, but he just doesn't know what to do anymore.
He possibly needs to seek counselling for himself. You definitely need to seek treatment if you're not already. Medication, therapy etc.
I don't want to make you feel guilty or worse but you do need to get yourself better. Your baby needs a healthy mum. You deserve to be happy and healthy xxxx
I think this is very well said, and agree 100% that he is honestly probably exhausted. I know this not the same thing but when my hubbys step mum was battling cancer I pulled my f.i.l. aside and asked how he was coping. He asked me what I meant and I said the carers are busy looking after the patient and everything else (day to day shit plus 20 million questions from everyone) but who is looking after them. Who are asking them how they are coping? And how they are holding up? My fil broke down and cried at being asked a simple question and not just taking im fine for an answer.
Your husband is trying to grieve and look after you and bub. I think you both seperately need to be sèeking counsilling
And yet what you say IS in fact minimizing...
Oh and yelling someone “you do need to get yourself better” yeah cos she hadn’t thought of that 😏
You do know that people kill themselves because they don’t want to be a burden on loved ones? Way to go in exasperating this...
I think everyone who is in the role of 'carer' looses it from time to time. I'm carer for my 23 year old son who has a number of diagnosis but the most debilitating means he is asleep up to 20 hours a day. Part of that means I can not leave the house without someone else coming to release me.
It is grinding. I go in a cycle of coping quite well, but gradually getting warm down until I snap. Then the cycle goes again.
To prolong the cycle I have to utilise certain services, expand my support network, give my self self care, and know that my son is doing everything he can to get treatment. I can't be everything for my son, because it's totally overwhelming.
So I think it's time for you as a couple to look at ways you can make life better for BOTH of you. Rather than asking should he be supporting me more, asking can we support each other more and better. Am I doing everything I can to get better? What support services can I access that we aren't?
Looking at making sure your partner is gettin exercise etc both of you seeing mental health professionals would be a positive start.
I can kind of relate to his predicament (close family member, not spouse) kind of been there myself, he is tired, exhausted and over being the support person. He's also lost a parent and is probably just treading water himself, so has nothing to give. The best thing you can do if you love him is to get treatment, do the hard yards and get yourself in a good place where you can be equal partners. 15 years of being the strong one takes it toll.
You’re both tired, both mentally (and more then likely physically) exhausted. You both have LOTS going on. It sounds like you BOTH try hard at supporting each other as much as possible. And it sounds like you both love each other very much.
Life gets tough, and you can’t always be the person you want to be or be THERE for the people you want to be. Take it easy on yourself, and your husband.
You are there go through life beside each other, and help when and where you can, but for the most part, you still need to hold you. And he will hold himself. As much as you are one, you are also both separate people and need to be able to pick yourselves up when the other is too weak to.
I don't think it's him, to be honest I am a carer for 3 children all on the ASD spectrum with no support from their father except monetary and the occasional visit from for a few hours every 6 months or so. I do however get great support from my OH so I am quite lucky. Being a carer for anyone is very draining. We also need our own time, weekends away, time off or we burn the candle at both ends and we destroy ourselves whilst we support the ones we love.
I'm hoping that you are seeing a professional for your PND and that you are working with your doctors for your other conditions. I hope that your hubby is getting support from those nearest and dearest to him and a well deserved respite break quite often. Having a hobby that he can run off to is great but having pure time to himself is probably something he needs more than anything. Where he can just be him and sleep until he wants and not have to deal with someone else's illness for a time. I rejoice in the time I get away from my kids. I miss them and always think about what I should be doing for them but I also enjoy the time I get with my OH without them. And he enjoys the time he gets with me on his own.
I really hope that you can work on this with him and that you both get the help and support you need but maybe you also need to look outside of him, find someone else who can support you when your hubby needs the break. Or find someone else who can share the load with hubby. It may be what you both need.
I am getting treatment for both my depression and auto immune disease and I get counseling. I am continually working with my doctor but perhaps it is time to see what other services I can access.
I’m just sick of fighting this demon (depression) everyday and I’m sick of him having to fight it too.
I don’t want to live like this!
Def see a therapist together, he needs to have depression explained to him
Okay so you may not like this but i am going to be brutally honest here. By the sounds of it your husband is doing everything he can to help you. I understand how you feel. I have an autoimmune disease that is killing me so i am now taking chemo to try to kill my immune system and getting hit with the side effects from that as well, plus i also have ptsd and 2 kids to look after. It is hard but guess what i have to suck it up and deal with it. I have children who count on me and if i give up then they are left without a mum. Some days are chaso here and we end up having toast for dinner but for the most part i just get up and deal with whatever needs to be done. It is all part of being a mum.
Get someone you can talk to and have a vent with about things when they are hard. Take a little time out for yourself each week. I go to a friends once a week once the kids are in bed as my time out and feel heaps better since doing this.
Try to give your husband a bit of slack. Having someone with an illness like this and depression to look after is hard. It takes its toll on everyone.