Empty Arms

Coming home after Titan’s funeral to an empty house, an empty heart and empty arms was one of the worst days of my life.  “How will I live my life without my baby?”  I would often stand in his nursery and just stare at the empty cot and imagine him lying there.  He was meant to be in my arms. I was meant to be cradling him. Yet he was somewhere else and I didn’t know where. 

I remember comments like, “You can have another baby”.   I know these people had no idea the pain they inflicted; they were just trying to be there for me, trying to say they cared.  In saying that though, there were others who said nothing, which was so much worse. It was like he never existed. Please, please - if your eyes are reading this and you know someone that has just lost someone dear and you can’t seem to find the words just say, “I’m Sorry..” or  “Sorry for your loss”. It is so much better than silence or avoidance.  Acknowledge the fact they have lost.

I remember one day when I said to myself, you have to pull yourself together and get out of the house.  I walked out that door but where ever I looked there seemed to be a mum holding a baby.  It was torture to me. I had to hide.  I couldn’t bear to see.  I sometimes used to sit on the couch and look down at my empty arms.  This was a very dark time for me and my family.

I remember driving past people and they would be laughing in their car or on the side of the street I wanted to shout “STOP!!! Just STOP!” It was like the world was whirling by.  It was like everyone was getting on with their lives and I was STUCK… SO STUCK, in a deep, dark hole and I couldn’t seem to climb out. The grief my whole family endured for months afterwards was almost unbearable.   My family was there for me yet I still felt so alone.  I still felt very scared.  “What if this is it?” 

Could I bear to live with empty arms? Could I exist?  I decided I was mentally incapable of trying for another baby for at least a year.  My husband and I needed time to grieve for Titan. We needed time to breathe. I think in some ways it was harder for my husband he just wanted to make me right he couldn’t bear seeing me in such deep grief. I think he buried so much, trying to be strong for me.  We had been together for 11 years at that point we knew each other and so well.  I never thought it was possible to love him more, but it did make our relationship stronger. Titan brought his parents close; we wouldn’t be the couple we are today if it wasn’t for him.

I decided (with my Mum’s help) to take an active role in my mental and physical wellbeing. I consulted alternative medicine that I believed helped heal my broken heart.  Nearly 12 months later my Mum and I flew down to Melbourne to “The Journey”. It was a spiritual time for me. A lot of stuff happened over that week-end.  I forgave myself, I forgave god.  I finally started to feel normal - I had earlier, but this was a different normal, it was like, “It will be ok”.  I started to listen to my intuition – that was trying so desperately to tell me everything would be ok.

A couple of days after we returned from Melbourne was Titan’s anniversary.   That night I received a gift from him.  His sister was conceived. I believe he sent her to his Mum and Dad, this is what got me through my pregnancy with my daughter.

I know there are Mums with broken hearts reading this. I wish I could be there for you! Please just listen to me when I tell you our babies are standing beside us.  They are our Angels - they are the ones that guide us.  They are our intuition.  They are the ones that get us through each day.

If you have only just lost, please cry when you need to, be angry when you need to be, just honour everything you feel.  You need to let it out please don’t bury it. Please let it out. We were chosen for a reason, our babies have changed our lives. They have taught us so much.

Next Wednesday the 10th of August would have been Titan's 7th Birthday. Our family will honor him... The way we do every year.

Here is a link to the Journey it is a mind-body-healing process http://www.thejourney.com

About the Author

Kristy Vallely is the founder and Creator of the Imperfect Mum.

Kristy believed there needed to be a place that women could go to. Where they could talk and relate. A place they could feel safe. A place they trusted. So The Imperfect Mum was born in June 2011. There was obviously such a need that when the gates 'opened' a huge flurry of women followed. Kristy has always been very passionate about women and the issues they face.

Her passion and determination has helped her carve out a career helping others and creating 'a go to place' for women from all around the world.

Posted in:  Life Lessons, Loss & Grief, Loss of a Child (My Story)

19 Replies

Jodie Herbert

god i have shivers thank you so much for sharing again

The Imperfect Mum

Ohhh Thank You Darlin .... xxxxx

jonrich

All of this resonates with me so much, I just can't tell you. The need to talk about my little girl and acknowledge that she was real after we lost her was so vivid. I hated that people wouldn't or couldn't recognise that she was as real to us as a child that was walking or talking.

And going outside by myself for the first time... it was just so painful, I literally could barely walk and just wanted to run back inside. Having to face real people was almost impossible. It got easier each time of course, but thinking back to those days still makes me shiver.

After a while I also started some counselling. I did the traditional style counselling first which didn't really work for me and then my acupuncturist (a really spiritual guy) suggested The Journey. He wasn't a trained Journey therapist and he just did a shortened version for me but it really really helped and I believe it was the first point where I started to recover. This was about 1.5 years on from that fateful day. I would recommend it to anyone needing to work through grief or any other difficult issues. I'm not deeply spiritual but working through the steps helped so much and I still refer to some of the concepts to this day.

I'm so glad you're talking about this and giving us a platform to talk, grieve and celebrate. It's now coming up to six years since we lost Issy but she remains in my thoughts as strong as ever.

The Imperfect Mum

Ohhh I am just COVERED in goose bumps... our stories are so similar... So many Mum's that I have talked to on here have shared so many similarities. I am so glad you found the Journey it really helped me deal with everything.. Thank YOU for sharing your story Nikki xxxx

Shelley

You write so beautifully...and you are such a wonderful person. Thank you for opening your heart and soul for us all to see. Those of us who have not lost a child cannot possibly imagine your pain or journey but I know personally that your story and strength have still helped me with some of my painful past..thank you.x

The Imperfect Mum

Thank YOU Shelley you are a dear friend to me.. I am glad that Titan's has helped you.. I was talking with Mum last night about your story... she had tears well up in her eyes....I hope Titan gives you the wings you deserve.. set you and your little family free..

kirri

Kristy, I'm fortunate enough not to have ever experienced losing a child but reading this post reminds me of how universal the grieving experience can be. Thank you for encapsulating those feelings so perfectly....it reminds me that I may not always be able to say the right thing to comfort loved ones but I dont have to avoid it. Sometimes just being there and letting the grief flow without trying to 'make it better' might just be enough.

The Imperfect Mum

Ohhh Kirri - That is EXACTLY right... Avoidance... just kills you it ...... Yes sometimes the words don't come... this has happened to me.... You just need to hug them real tight and just say sorry!! acknowledging their pain is such a relief for them.... and yes let that grief flow - let it out.... I had people say to me "ohh don't cry"..... this made it so much worse. If there is one thing people get out of this.. is that they acknowledge the passing of someone..... give that person respect... Thank you for "getting" that Kirri - YOUR BEAUTIFUL XX

Stacey Mcmillan

what a sad yet beautiful story, thank you for sharing your feelings. I have never been unfortunate enough to give birth to a baby that early but Ive had three premmie babies and just those weeks when the were in hospital pales in comparison to your story. Again thank you for sharing

The Imperfect Mum

Thank You for reading Stacey - I am very pleased all of your lil premmies made it - You obviously had issues carrying like I did.. xx

Rebecca

Thank you so much for sharing your story. On October 6 it would of been Olivers 5th Birthday. I think of him every day. A mum is all I ever wanted to be. My wish was granted 2 years ago when we adopted the two most beautiful children in the whole world. I only wish that they could have known there brother. I also believe that Oliver is my guardian angel and that he watches over all of us.
Thank you again for sharing your journey and making all of the feelings that I feel and have felt seem normal

The Imperfect Mum

Ohh Rebecca.. my eyes are filled with tears.. tears for your loss and tears for your joy.. I am so happy that you received your wish.. Oliver sent them to you.. They will know their brother.. you will make sure of it!! - Titan isn't here physically but my children talk about him constantly if they are talking about their family he is always included!

[email protected]/SoNailicious

Oh God! You made me cry... I have just became a mum 6 months ago and sometimes I'd think how would I deal with that if something happens to my baby girl. It scares me. Life is like that: not always about fun and happiness. Really glad to hear you are better now honey...
Thank you for sharing your story!

The Imperfect Mum

Thanks for your beautiful message.... you have your days.. today is very consuming and I can barely breath.. I will get through it.. he is my guiding light.. It is his 7th anniversary tomorrow so a lot has risen... I will be ok.. just need to ride those waves...

Sevencherubs

Kristy, as sad and as heartbreaking as your journey has been I hope you do not mind me saying that I love the place where you are at now. Through your words we can see that you have reached a place of strength, of inner peace and acceptance. Of great spiritual insight and understanding and I love that you are able to reach out and touch others. For me when I think of the grief that comes from the loss of a precious cherub it is like being able to speak another language, you can talk to, connect to, many other women in a way that many of us cannot and will never be able to. That is a gift. A difficult and tragic gift to endure and I am amazed and in awe that you are doing it so well. Much love and respect to you and your gorgeous family. N x

The Imperfect Mum

Thanks Darlin I only just found this, and are obviously meant to read it today! - Thank you I agree it is a gift but yes.. a very difficult one to endure.. Today I am feeling lost in my grief tomorrow is Titan's anniversary.. and today I feel completely consumed! You are a beautiful kind soul and I really treasure you! thank you for that beautiful message!

Kate Stanton

I'm crying my eyes out so I apologise if I make many spelling mistakes. What an awful thing for you to go through, he has definatly made you a writer a very good one. Beautifully written. thanks to Naomi from Seven cherubs for sharing this xx

The Imperfect Mum

Thank you Kate! I appreciate your beautiful words!

Martiiqua Fuller

Happy birthday Titan <3