Please, urgent advice needed!
It's crunch time in my relationship and I have no idea which option to choose. Basically, I have to choose right now, whether to stay with my boyfriend of 18+ months and have a baby immediately or let him go and stop wasting his time.
I already have two young kids from a previous relationship, which makes my decision that much more complicated.
My boyfriend is desperate to be a dad and wants a baby immediately. It's all he wants in the world and all he can think about. I am up and down about the idea. Every time I come around to it, he's stoked and every time I tell him I'm having doubts he says we need to break up then because he can't wait any longer.
He's certain that if I have a baby with him, we'll be together forever and he'd do anything for me and the kids. My concerns are that my family won't accept him or the new baby and will favour my older kids. Also that the older kids will somehow feel like I don't love them as much.
It's crunch time and I need to decide straight away whether we're 100% in or 100% out
More kids or not??
More kids or not??
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt
8 Replies
I think you don't want a baby so time to let him go. Your reasons for not wanting one sounds flimsy, but his reason for wanting one (staying with you forever) is also faulty. Having a baby brings pressure to a relationship and does not guarantee a long relationship.
Why are you concerned that your family won't accept your boyfriend? It makes me think there is something about him that your embarrassed about.
If you haven't already introduced him to your family then your probably not at the point in your relationship where babies would come into it anyway.
Also there are people who will say you don't regret any children you have but you regret the ones you don't. If that was the case nobody would have bothered inventing birth control!
He has met my family heaps of times, spent Christmas with them etc. I just think that my parents won't be supportive of me having kids because their attitude will be something like 'didn't you learn your lesson the first time?' (Because I had two kids and my marriage didn't work out)
If you live your life based on what our parents think we would never do anything. You've got to do what makes you happy. If you'd be happy having another child then go for it. It doesn't sound like you are? If you think you'd be with this guy for ever go for it. A baby won't make a relationship last though (it's like marrying someone in the hopes of fixing the relationship).
I couldnt possibly have a baby if i wasnt ready, especially not just to keep a relationship. Pretty flimsy grounds to start this whole thing on, he threatens to walk when hes told no. He sounds impulsive & he cannot guarantee he'll stay forever. Promising he will, only if theres a baby is very immature & short sighted. Maybe your parents are right & you know you want to take it slower this time & do it right. 18 months is a short time to know someone really, & as you well know it all changes after a baby.
Also, what about your two kids? Is he being a father to them? How is he there? Helpful? Threatening to walk away seems harsh with kids involved, is he not in a parent role with them? It seems like he's making lots of promises but his actions aren't on the same page. Deciding to have a baby shouldn't be an ultimatum after 18 months together.
I believe if a man is willing to leave you because you're not sure on having a baby chances are he will leave or threaten to when he cant get his own way. If you aren't really ready for another baby you shouldn't have one to save a relationship since the fact is it wont save it. Even if he says it will.
I'm not saying that the ultimatum is fair, but I have been in very similar situation myself with my partner having children to someone else and not commiting to myself or our future.. All I ever wanted was a family of my own and even though I didn't want it 'then & there', he would tell me one day how he wanted to marrry me and have a family with me, then he would change his mind and take it back the next.. It was soul crushing knowing that the person you have commited to wasn't as commited to you in return and you could never live up to his previous family life. It's not fair on him to dangle this hope in front of him and then take it away.. Please make a decision I wish you all the best xx