A bit of tricky question (and I know I’ll probably get some nasty comments but there is a whole back story to my relationship that hasn’t been nice for me). My Nan sadly passed away the other day, we have to travel 9+ hours for the funeral, my partner was complaining about the trip before she passed, he said he will take me and I’m ok with that, but my mum has expressed a few times she wants me to go with her as she doesn’t want to do the drive herself, I want to go with her to show her support, I don’t drive so I can’t offer to help there, but my partner will blow up if I say I want to go with mum, he hasn’t showed any condolences to my mother or my brothers, our son he hasn’t talked about it to, he has told his dad a few times that nan has died and he just says I know. He keeps telling me that I seem more concerned about my mum and I can just leave him at home and go with her, I will cop backlash from him if I choose that option, he doesn’t care about my family and has shown that over the last 6 years, it’s been 5 years since he seen my nan last, and at one birthday dinner he dropped me off and told me to message him when lunch was ready and he came back for that, I had to tell everyone he was on a job call out, and after 2 hours he was messaging me from outside asking when will hurry up and go because we had been there for f***ing hours already. His mother has had to do a couple of 9+ hour trips and he didn’t hesitate to take time off work and take her down for them appts so I feel like he should be just as understanding if I go with my mum to lay out Nan to rest. What would you do in this case? He is the type that will tell me he wanted to be there for my support person but I chose to be there for someone else and that I can’t tell people he didn’t want to take me because he offered and I told him he can’t come etc The day we travel home he is travelling the next day on another 12hr trip for work so that’s a lot of driving for him anyway
***EDIT TO ADD - He has now accused me of wanting to go without him so I can act single and get drunk at the wake and that one of my brothers could of helped her but no it always has to be me
Also I have bad anxiety that affects my vision when having an episode, so I don’t trust myself behind the wheel
Nan passed away, need advice please
Nan passed away, need advice please
Posted in:
Loss & Grief, Helping others through Grief
20 Replies
Your husband is an inconsiderate jerk! Stuff what he thinks, go with your mum. He sounds like a kid. Stop allowing him to guilt you. Stop worrying about what he thinks. He is manipulating you.
Get your licence, get a job if you don't have one, get your independence and self-esteem back and dump this JERK.
You deserve so much better than this POS abusive turd.
Go with your mother! She needs your support at this time. Your husband clearly has no interest in your side of the family.
I'd go with Mum & tell the partner to stop being a dick or GTFO.
He has now accused me of wanting to go without him so I can act single and get drunk at the wake and that one of my brothers could of helped her but no it always has to be me 😭
Yeah sure, that's exactly what you're gonna do, get pissed & act the slut at your Nan's funeral...... what a fucking idiot.
Honest to god, what keeps you tied to this twat?
There's a great book called Codependant No More, read it if you possibly can.
But please, at the very least, google & read about codependancy, emotional abuse and coercive control.
He sounds like a horrible person, and you really need to look at why you put up with this shit. You seem like you know this treatment isn't ok, that's why you're posting.
So maybe it's time to take back control of your own life, and decide whether you want to live the rest of your life this way.
I'd go with your mum. I don't drive either due to medical reasons I'm not allowed to. So if you also have medical reasons why you can't I'd just update your post so you don't get flooded with "Get your license" comments.
I have bad anxiety that affects my vision when having an episode, so I don’t trust myself behind the wheel
My mum has bipolar and became scared to drive, she saw a psychologist who helped her get behind the wheel again.
First she just sat in the car.
Then went to the end of the street.
It was a process.
She also gave my mum options.
Like if you feel you are getting nervous, you can pull over etc.
As a person with anxiety, you do feel it coming, you can take action if you are driving.
You will gain so much independence and confidence if you can overcome this.
Obviously if you had a brain tumor or heart condition, with no control of having a seizure or attack, my advice would be different.
Put in the work, it will be so worth it.
That’s a good idea, I do have a a rare heart defect and had open heart surgery 3 years ago, I’m now on warfarin for life, and my heart specialist think I suffer possible epilepsy because of my anxiety symptom, just to throw a spanner in the works lol. But I will looking options for help once I’m back and healed from this loss x
Sorry to hear, that certainly complicates things, wishing you a speedy recovery.
Before the edit to add I was going to suggest you ask him to drive your mum too. But since the edit to add..
In all honesty sweetheart I would pack up your son and your most prized possessions but very subtly. I’d go to the funeral with your mum, but I’d stay there and not come back. Ask mum to drop you off at a shelter somewhere on her way back. I’m so sorry. It’s b!^^dy hard. I haven’t followed this advice myself so you are totally welcome to ignore it. Mine was horrible when my Nan died and I forgave him but he’s only gotten worse.
Ew what an asshole! Can you honestly put up with this the way rest of your life?
Firstly I'm very sorry for your loss.
I lost my Nan a month ago and I'm going to give you some perspective, my husband took time off work to sit with me by Nan's bedside and also just be here for the kids while I was running around helping the family. Whilst she was sick he made meals for her to put in the freezer and after she passed he continued making those meals for my Pa and even offered to help teach him cook (that's a work in progress).
That's support, not at any time was Nan's passing made to feel like an inconvenience to him, even when I thought myself gee this is a lot he didn't complain once.
You have a lot of thinking to do. You guys are a partnership and in these times he needs to step up.
Oh bless him, what a great guy. Sorry for your loss. Love to your Pa.
So basically he is a controlling manipulator??? Just go with your mum.
Your partner is using coercive control on you. Massive red flag!
Go to the funeral with your mum then leave this arsehat asap. Do it now before he gets physical with you.
This isn’t love, this is controlling behaviour that you need to get away from.
You are in an abusive relationship lovely. You have to tiptoe around everything and overthink anything you say. They are usually worse around times when you are low e.g. grieving or sick, they like to put the boot in more.
So my suggestion would be to tell him "It's really dangerous to expect you to take me and then travel 12 hours when you get back. Although I think its just so sweet that you want to make that sacrifice for me". Make it ALLL about him. When he carries on about the cheating stuff, just say something along the lines of "why would I do that when I have someone as wonderful as you" and plump up those peacock feathers for him. Do not back down that you are to go with your mum or he will make it all about him when you are trying to grieve. BUT do play it a bit clever and make it all about him being so supportive and wonderful until after you drive off.
When you get back, consider if you really want to be pandering to his fragile ego. Also sorry but him accusing you of cheating is a red flag he is possibly cheating...
It's exhausting but right now you need to hide how you really feel or he will make it way worse!!!! Wait until you are around family and friends and he is out of sight xx
Sorry for your loss 💗
I’m the OP. Just wanting to add without another edit that my mum has 2 foster kids and I have 2 kids so we actually have a full car and my partner wouldn’t be able to come in the same car, mum didn’t feel comfortable driving that distance with her kids knowing how stressed she has been
That’s understandable. I hope you’re ok and it went well