Hi
Who do I go to, to get my funeral arrangements honoured? I was talking to my husband in hypotheticals and said I don't want a funeral service nor wake when I pass away, he said it doesn't matter what I want, that I'm being selfish as Funeral isn't for me, it's for everyone else and I'll be Dead anyway so it won't matter. He told me he won't be doing what I want at all.
In life I have 3 friends and no close family, I have children and want just them there to spread the ashes with my Husband but I literally just want the 5 of them there. I feel strongly that I at least deserve to have my wishes respected in death. So anyway what steps do I take to make sure it's all formal and gets done how I wish.
Thanks
6 Replies
Your husband is right. Funerals are for the living.
Solicitor.
Your husband is not right. Imagine doing what you want knowing it’s not what they wanted, and saying ‘it’s all about me, this’.
You could always prepay your cremation and urn/or whatever, and write your wishes to have your ashes spread, where and by who.
My mother in law was a forceful personality and was repeatedly clear about her requests last year. No big funeral and no wake.
She got the whole enchilada, including wake & then dinner at father in-law's house for whoever was still around. I mentioned to DH she'd said she didn't want it & I got told 'the funeral isn't about her'. I was quite shocked as he'd ALWAYS toed the line with her wishes.
I think there's a lot of family and social pressure to still have big funerals. If we opt not to, it somehow says we didn't care enough to bother, and people travelling to say goodbye want a proper service, I suppose.
Personally I'd rather attend a short memorial in a park with refreshments and a chance to chat about memories and support each other. Also less traumatic for kids!
Your husband is right. The funeral is to help the people who lost you grieve and find peace with their loss. I think your request is saying that you don't want to help him and your kids be OK if they were to lose you.
Having worked in the funeral industry your husband is right - a funeral is for those left behind and not the deceased.
"If you are telling your family no funeral, remember your funeral begins their healing not yours"
A funeral gives people the opportunity to come together and share their grief with others. This does not need to be the full monty with a priest and a choir of angels singing hymns. I would suggest that you consider a small intimate funeral, even go so far as to say by invitation only and invite those people that are special to you, your husband, and children only. Alternatively family can wait until your ashes have been returned from the crematorium and plan a get together at your favourite restaurant, park, pub or beach, even a BBQ at your home if this is something that you do. This will allow the ritual of sharing grief, love and laugher for a loved one to happen.
In my experience there is very little you can do to stop your husband from not strictly obeying your wishes other than when your children are old enough to make your wishes known to each of them so your husband is not the only one holding your instructions.
Having your wishes in your will is not legally binding as the executor has overall/final say on what happens and it is often not until after the disposition of the body that the will is read or solicitor is advised. (I checked with lawyer for accuracy of information).
I would recommend for the mental health and ongoing healing of your family you consider allowing them to do what is right for them with them considering your wishes.