Ok so this is a bit long and I’m sorry.
My world has been tipped upside down and I don’t have a problem with that but what I do have a problem with is people taking advantage of elderly people.
From the start, my step fathers ( not my dad at all, his is just my father figure) wife died in February this year and since 3 days after the funeral which I did the eugery because dad was to upset to do and I was happy to do ( this man is my world) he has lived with me and my partner and my auntie who I care for as well.
Anyway I got some supports in to help with showers, respite while I’m at work, I have had to go part time with work. I make sure all meds for both are taken properly, I make there meals and make sure they are eating properly even if it’s a little. I make sure my auntie doesn’t have to much fluid as she is on 1500mls a day. I make there beds each day, I always take them to medical appointments which at the moment is with a wheelchair for them both as they are high risk fallers. I get very tired but there is nothing I wouldn’t do for them both. I honestly believe most elderly deserve to be looked after probably.
Ok so my problem is that as my dad is emotionally and mentally and physically exhausted due to the neglect he has done to himself over the years, because he was looking after his wife and everyone else, that it is time that he is looked after probably and I believe I do that. He has 1 daughter and 2 sons that the sons I wouldn’t give the time of day to, well the daughter I have spoken to a lot in the last few months as we had to make decisions that we didn’t want to. We supported each other so much. She couldn’t have dad live with her as life is super busy with kids and a weird husband, so it was a no brainer that dad come live with me and that I would do everything needed to make sure dad is looked after. Now it’s at the point where dad is going to get his wife’s ashes and me, bio daughter and one other person was going to get some ashes, well the bio daughter decided to allow someone else to have ashes that isn’t even family at all and it has pissed me off. Because I was so angry last night dad thought all night I was angry at him and I wasn’t it was at his bio daughter. She has no right to believe dad is in the right state of mind to allow other people to get any ashes but family.
Not sure what I’m asking, or even if it makes sense, please be kind because I feel very fragile, it’s been a long 7-8 weeks, dads wife had a massive stroke in January.
Edit.....
The person that wants the ashes is not a close friend or even a friend that has been in her or dads life for a long period of time. Dad was manipulated to say yes. I have also worked in aged care, so I do have some understanding of how hard it can be
3 Replies
It sounds like you're just completely wrung out now, and no wonder.
First of all, who is the person who his daughter wants to have some ashes? Who are/were they to your "mum" and why does the daughter want them to get anything?
Second of all, I think you probably don't get a say, it's your dad's choice and this person may (or may not) mean something to the family, sort of the way you do. Perhaps, instead of splitting up the ashes you should decide as a family where they're kept or scattered. Perhaps look at donating a seat or tree to a park in her memory and scatter them there? That way there's something there that anyone and everyone who wants to can enjoy and it won't harm anyone.
Third, it may be time to put dad and aunty into aged care where there are trained people to deal with their increasingly complex needs. You're putting your own life on hold to care for them and you're well on your way to burning out. Aged care facilities are purpose built to care for elderly people with specialist staff to handle everything.
Regardless, this is a lot to deal with right now. Gather your support crew and make some decisions with their help.
Having previously worked in aged care, i completely understand the emotional and physical load you have taken on and I absolutely commend you for it. Caring for the elderly takes a special kind of selfless person!
Unfortunately, i guess as they're her mum's ashes, she's entitled to give them to who she sees fit but I can see why it has upset you.
May I suggest getting some support for yourself? You've taken on a lot and it can quickly become become overwhelming.
How do you know this other person does not have a special connection with your step dads wife, just like you do to your step dad? When he dies would it be fair for his bio kids to say no you can't have any ashes as you're not family? I think quite frankly its not up to you to decide, your step dad will have a better understanding of who his wife was close to. I think you need to drop it, its not your place to be angry about something like that.