I am a single mum who has three kids. Two have ADHD. They are medicated and doing ok at school academic wise but they are driving me and everyone else insane. I feel like I can't do it anymore. They talk non stop and always have to be the centre of anything and everything. They make a huge mess and it's a fight constantly to get them to clean up after themselves. They can't sit on a chair without squirming or falling off at the dinner table. They can't follow directions and can't handle any change. I can't have friends over anymore as a family because as they've got older people just don't want to be around them. They love to tell embarrassing stories to people theyve only just met. it's embarrassing and no one gets a word in when they are around. I socialise with friends when they go to their dads every second weekend. They don't have many friends at school because they are so self focused that hanging out with them is a drain. I have tried getting help from psychiatrists and psychologists with them and for myself over the years and have tried different strategies such as explaining that it's not the way to be a friend or have a friend, time out, taking toys off them, docking them pocket money but although they get upset they just don't learn that what they are doing is not ok. They get way too excited and It's like they are driven to perform to who ever they can whenever they can. My 12 year old still wants to show off her different ribbons etc when people drop in and then move onto her other skills. They are definitely not starved for attention and I am an active parent. The problem is I have nothing left in the tank and feel helpless and hopeless so much so that I'm starting to feel like it's all just pointless. What works with these kids?
6 Replies
Are you medicating your children?? It sounds like they could benefit from being on meds and you would benefit from it too. Remember they have been diagnosed with ADHD they can not control what they do 100% and you can only do so much to teach them. I am an Autism parent and an ADHD parent. My ADHD child is easier to manage and can control a lot of her impulses at 5 whilst on meds. Without meds she cannot and there’s no way for her to concentrate. If they are on meds maybe look at getting their doses changed to something that helps more. If your against meds ok, but you may find life a whole lot easier if you try them. Instead of struggling so much. It took us ages but we’ve found a dose that still lets her have herself shine through. Her infectious laughter and quirky sense of humour and her teachers have been a blessing with this. Without them I would still be struggling trying to find the right dose for school.
I feel your pain! I’m a mum with chronic illness with 2 ADHD kids. Mine are medicated too but medication only helps so much. We’ve been to a few different psychologists and can’t find help. It is exhausting, so pat yourself on the back for still being here! I find I have to relax a lot of my expectations with how I wanted to parent, what I expect from my children and what I wanted for my children. I had to accept that my children have a permanent developmental neurological disorder effecting their executive functions. It does set their maturity back a couple of years behind their peers and they will always struggle with organisation, focus, self regulation, memory and emotional regulation. And they are their own unique person and they need love and acceptance more than anything and I arm them with knowledge about ADHD. We do what works for them to keep the school life and home life functioning, and me sane. Happy to share what we do if that helps.
I also found joining a support group with other parents with kids with ADHD is helpful - https://m.facebook.com/groups/36128962836
And I read lots from this page - https://m.facebook.com/additudemag/
I hope this helps, as I find no one will truly understand, unless they are experiencing it themselves (p.s I have ADHD too).
Have you considered letting them live with dad for a while, so you get a break?
My son is adhd too and when I read this originally I couldn't respond because he was pushing so hard I was ready to crack. But we're still trying to get the right combo of meds for him. It sounds as though your kids might need to trial some different meds....
Time to turn the focus on strategies for helping yourself!! Self care, time out, gym, crèche, babysitter, whatever it takes.
You know why they are how they are, they can learn some strategies but it won't ever be easy for you, and you're burnt out right now, you can't give them what they need when you're low - you're patience everything goes out the window. you need to up your self care, you definitely deserve it xx
Hi there I have 2 kids like this a boy and a girl. What I found helped was social group therapy and a big help with behaviour was seeking out a board certified behavioural analyst (psych trained). These ABA therapists specialise in human behaviour in particularly children’s behaviour and how to positively change it. It’s all done positively using rewards that the child works towards through changing their behaviour. We tired OT, adhd medication and nothing worked the way this system did. It does involve you needing to carry on with this through the week etc. I’d definitely suggest you getting some help as well, even if it’s just to talk it all through with a psych to get your own strategies of how to deal with your feelings of being overwhelmed. Do you have family who could mind the kids more often even just for an hour or 2 while you distress a bit. It will get better as they get older and development tasks over more, but I can’t recommend aba therapt enough to help with positive behavioural changes!