Looking for any suggestions to help improve my husbands forgetfullness.....or whether he is just lazy....
So my husband is 34 years old and is active, fit and healthy. He is however quite lazy (but has come leaps and bounds from when we first got together 6 years ago). He is mostly particularly lazy when it comes to doing things I want to do (probably same story for most women!).
For example he will have no problem spending an entire day in our yard clearing, mowing, weeding etc because its what he wants to do....but if I want to do something (whether it be a leisure activity such as a family drive somewhere or a spring clean of somesort) he is incredibly hard to motivate. (Please note this isnt the issue BUT Ive just always thought he has quite a selfish/lazy attitude sometimes when it comes to putting my feelings/wants forward before his own at times). Anyways alongside this 'laziness attitude' i have found over the last 6 years that our problems are stupid simple issues that never get resolved because he doesn't make any changes.
Examples would be me asking him to be reliable with his phone. Quite often if he goes anywhere, be it the fuel station, park, grocery shop or even his mates I will have to ring him repeatedly until he answers. I get wild especially if he has the kids with him or if I need him urgently. Time and time Ive told him that if something 'bad' had happened and it required me to go to hospital with one of the kids or for myself then he wouldn't know until an hour or two later because he is so unreliable. I can even leave him at home and he still wont answer his stupid phone even though it lives in his hand most of the time. He tells me its because he always forgets to put it on loud but 6 years on and after hearing this same excuse every day I am over it!!
Another really simple issue would be me asking him to not throw his dirty clothes on top of the washing basket but INSIDE. 6 years on I am still asking him to do this daily.
Another would be to pick up his work bag from the floor and put it in the hallway cupboard (mostly because he carries panadol or other stuff the kids have pulled out of his bag before) but again six years on I still argue about this daily.
So our problems are teeny tiny and thats just a really small example of the 1000 other teeny tiny issues that go on and quite frankly I'm absolutely fed up with not only repeating myself but asking for the same solution for 6 years. I feel like I am going mental here....however anytime he 'forgets' to put his bag away, not answer his phone or something else minor, he feels awful and apologises and always says he doesn't know why he cant remember....so I am sitting here wondering IF by chance he isnt as lazy or selfish as i think he is and maybe cognitively there is something else going on?????
I know prior to us meeting he smoked pot for years and he has sometimes said he thinks this has affected his brain. I even noticed a month ago he brought these 'memory tablets' he must have seen on a Facebook add to try and help him (bless him) because I have no doubt he is so tired of me going nuts about the same shit.
I love my guy and he is an amazing dad and adores me (even though i know i am hard work) so this isnt me wanting to tear him down or want others to tear him down either but maybe others with experience that can shed light on how we could go about getting him cognitively tested or things we could do to try and improve his memory.
I honestly cant keep repeating myself like this with him about a million tiny things, however i would be a lot more compassionate if i knew he actually had some type of inability to remember....
I've been accusing him of being lazy and selfish for so long and i know this really upsets him. He does tell me he is always beating himself up for letting me down again but we just can't seem to improve these incredibly annoying tiny issues that are turning cancerous.
Also - just in case you are wondering no he doesnt smoke weed and he hasnt ever done so once in the entire time we're been together. We both also work in the mines so get drug tested all the time so there is no chance there.
10 Replies
Take him to the GP... More could be going on in his head!
Sounds like that is just who he is.
My husband is in his 50s and like this all his life. It wasn't till we had some couples counselling that the penny finally dropped that what might not seem important to him was worth remembering for others. Identified that he didn't remember simply because he didn't think it was important to. Same as your hubby - even beating himself up over it. The counsellor even asked me on the quiet if he had a brain injury, it took so long to break through on this. She kept turning back to him - eg what if you went to do something that your partner was expected to organise and just 'forgot' all the time. say, pay rego and car unregistered, didn't pay the credit card so kept being declined, etc. It has taken 6 months of weekly counselling and he still forgets some of the core things, but I REFUSE to do it for him. I finally understood it wasn't personal - he does it to his friends and family as well... So intellectually lazy he lets everyone remember for him and will ask the same dumb stuff over and over. Different on things he actually TRULY values. Doesn't forget anything about fishing... I have never said 'I don't know' so much in my entire life until now. Seems silly but this issue was destroying our relationship. I understand where you are coming from completely.
This is just a thought (as it’s the case with my brother), has he ever been tested for ADHD? It could be an inattentive predominance.
I also want to say, I’m struggling with the exact same thing with my partner and it drives me nuts. Sadly, I don’t know what to do either. I really do believe it’s a memory issue or a learning difficulty or something like that. I’m just not brave enough to get him off to the Dr yet. I’d like to see how you get on from here.
Feel your pain! It's exhausting saying the same thing over and over. My husband doesn't seem to have good verbal or written comprehension. Sometimes I will say something and get a blank stare. Or I feel it's in one ear and out the other! Just not emotionally available. Hope you get some answers! Good luck.
There's probably more going on in his head than you know, his actions sound like my 11 year old forgetfulness and such he has Autism, in forever repeating myself over and over again and I'm pulling my hair out from the stress. Ask his family if he was like this as a kid? It's the only way you'll know how long it's been going on.
Wow I'm gobsmacked I felt like I was reading something I had written, to the point I worried if my husband read this he would believe I had written it!!! I feel for you, i truly truly understand what you're going through. My husband also used to smoke alongtime ago and worries hes damaged his brain, however his father is exactly the same.
I know how frustrating all these 1000 of seemingly small things feel, it can make you feel irate and like you're about to burst with anger. I've come to realise over the years that the good qualities in my husband (genuine good bloke, 100% trustworthy, adores me, amazing dad, hard working (with what he enjoys or at work), loving, friendly etc etc etc) just wont be found elsewhere and really truly are far more important to me. While these things really do still get to me at times (especially when you're the 1 organising, paying, sorting, thinking and doing for everyone in the family including him), I now understand that I have to work on not letting it affect me as much. 13 years of dealing with the same issues, knowing wholeheartedly that he wasnt being this way intentionally or to upset me and that it actually upset him, I came to the point where I had to decided if these things were that important to me in a marriage that I should leave. No, no they really aren't to me. I suspect your hubby does have ADHD and executive functioning issues too (we have spoken to a psych), so I think it would help you both immensely to see a psych. Another thing I did was created a shared calendar on my phone with his so he always can see appointments and reminders etc and its worked a treat (even things such as car service due etc). I have a weekly schedule on the fridge which also helps. Theres a book called 'smart but scattered' you might find useful too. If these are all things he cant change then no amount of yelling, arguing, crying, begging etc will change it. Get him some help and support to figure out why he struggles to remember these things, and ask yourself how important these things really are in a partner to you.
Others might say this is petty stuff, in isolation it appears it is, but 6 years worth of petty stuff wears a person down and can certainly end a marriage!
Seek marriage counseling. Get a professional’s opinion and advice on the matter, all that nagging and frustration must feel awful for you, heck for the whole family. You need to figure out strategies that is not treating him like a kid. My teens have autism and memory problems, we’re now using a smart watch for them to set reminders for themselves. I’m sick of being everyone’s brain 🧠 😆
I would definitely send hubby off to the gp to discuss his issues and also worth some counseling for the two of you together and probably wouldn’t hurt for you to have some by yourself as well. While each issue can be seen as petty on their own, when it’s all put together it becomes a big issue. You need to decide which of the issues you can live with and which he really needs to step up and do without being nagged.
My boys are 13 and 11 so I’m still shaping them to become decent men, but I find I’m constantly nagging them to do basic things, the three main being to hang their towel after a shower, put dirty dishes on the bench, and unpack their lunch boxes when they get home from school. About a month ago I made a threat, if I need to ask them to do something more than once they will lose part of their pocket money. More often than not I don’t have to ask now, they automatically do it. So for something like leaving his clothes on top of the washing basket, sweep onto the floor and don’t wash it. When he complains it’s not washed, tell him if it’s not inside the basket it doesn’t get washed as you don’t know what’s clean or dirty.
In regards to him not wanting to do family activities you want to do, maybe have a family meeting (if the kids are old enough) and explain that every week/fortnight/month a different family member gets to choose the family activity. Everyone has to participate without complaint about the chosen activity or they will miss out on choosing when it is their turn, this will depend on the age of the kids. If hubby still isn’t interested then you and the kids go without him. Have a fantastic time and when you get home make a big deal about what a fabulous time you’ve all had. Do it often enough and he’ll soon realise he’s missing out on quality family time.
Another option to the title of lazy or forgetful husband would be controlling or OCD wife? YOU want him to get his cognitive functions tested so YOU feel better. Okay I think you need some tough love here: It sounds like you are making mountains out of molehills and honestly I think its quite petty. Be a bit less controlling and more compassionate. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, do you want to point out his weaknesses constantly by the sounds of it, or focus on what makes him a good husband? Now for his memory you can try raw egg yolks in smoothies, It has choline in it which helps to improve brain function and memory..