After many years of being a single mum, I have finally found an amazing guy. I am pretty sure he’s the one and this relationship will be long term. Trouble is my teenage daughter will not let me tell her anything about him and hasn’t even asked his name. She tells me to stop talking, that’s it’s gross and she doesn’t want to hear about it. I asked her if it was because she’s worried about sharing me or that she will not get enough attention and she was adamant it wasn’t that. She said it’s gross because she knows “what people do now” (sex). I tried to explain that it’s not about that but that now she’s spending so much time with friends and away from home, I’d like to have someone to keep me company. She just physically won’t listen. Her dad has never been in her life so I don’t think she’s worried about him being replaced. I have no intention of not having this relationship as I’ve waited a long time to meet someone who’s right for me. I don’t want her to be disrespectful when they do meet or are in a room together and I’d like some advice as to how I help her accept that I’ve met someone. It’s always been us two and this is the first time she’s not let me speak about a topic. I’m at a loss!
Edit: I’m not asking her to be involved at this stage and am not trying to tell her things she doesn’t need to know. I’ve only tried to tell her that I met someone so she doesn’t find out from other people. Also if I’m going out I will tell her where I’ll be as I’ve never lied to her about stuff like that.
New partner and teenage daughter
New partner and teenage daughter
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt
20 Replies
If she doesn't want to talk about it then don't! Wait until she is ready. I had this exact thing happen when I was young with my mum and it ruined our relationship for YEARS because she forced it on me and didn't give me time. You need to stop and listen to what she is telling you. It's great to have a new relationship after so long, but always remember she came first and give her time to come around to it and accept it especially since it has been just you two for so long. Also I can 100% promise it has ALOT to do with sharing you, she has never had to do she doesn't know how to share you with someone else. All the best :)
Sounds to me like shes thinking about sex and getting grossed out.
Id tell her clearly having a partner is normal and healthy and youll want to break through this if you want her to be able to talk to you about her own relationships.
Id say keep the sex side non existent to her but start having him around so she can get to know him and feel more comfortable, not worry so much about having a man, 'mums boyfriend' in the house.
This is what I think it is as when she was younger she didn’t have a problem when I had a boyfriend (a couple of times over the years). She didn’t mind someone else being around. Now she does and it’s “gross”
When I was 15 I flat out banned my mum from having sex with her then boyfriend and I told her off for sleeping in the same bed with him because I didn't want him touching her. Not that I didn't want her to be happy but it's a protective thing and he was a drunk.
Make it clear you are going to be appropriate around her. Gradually and slowly introduce them in a safe way. Eg out of the house, during the day etc. small meetings that allow her to get to know him as your friend.
Don't keep talking to her about it. That would have driven me nuts as a teenager.
Just leave her for a bit.
I was your daughter and she is probably just in shock. If it’s always been just the two of you, and you’ve just sprung it on her that you’ve met someone else (obviously when she’s not around) she’ll probably feel a bit weird about it. I always felt weird. Almost jealous. Like, you do stuff like talk to men while I’m away or asleep. And you’ve actually met up with them without me knowing? It feels like betrayal. It’s not, it’s completely normal. But it’s a huge feeling to swallow when you’ve never felt it to that extent before.
Go easy on her. The more you push, the more she will hold back. She doesn’t have to meet him, she doesn’t need to know his name. She doesn’t need to talk to you about him. Until she is ready. Or until she’s come around to the idea.
Stop talking and just do your thing, you don't need her permission...
Go for coffee with him, go on dates, invite him for dinner (ease into that one of course). She doesn't have to be OK with you seeing people/having a boyfriend but you shouldn't let her use that to guilt you either.
Also, I'm curious how old she is and I do wonder if her view on sex is not entirely healthy?
She is 14 nearly 15 and just thinks it's gross for her mum to be with a guy
I doubt many 14 year old girls want to think about 5 their mother as being sexy/attractive etc.
I don't think anyone wants to think about their parents having sex ever lol. I just though maybe it was a bit of an extreme reaction to completely shut down at the thought of her mother having a boyfriend to the point of not even wanting to know his name! I feel if it's that much of an issue for her it might need to be addressed if she doesn't come to terms with it in her own time.
Yep. Ask her how it would go down if her friends tried to separate their parents because its 'gross' . Lol.
I do agree with others though. Just go about your business. When youre ready to introduce them or have him at the house (as a friend not a sleepover), then do it.
How long have you been with him? Honestly if she's almost 15, you can really keep him out of her personal life for a while. If you wait a year or 2 to move in together, she'll be almost ready to move out.
Most kids don’t move out till in their 20’s now
The more you come across to her “matter of factly” and saying things like it’s not her decision, the more she will dig her heels in and not like him. If you come across as you think SHE has the problem, the more she is going to MAKE it a problem.
It’s totally okay for you to have a boyfriend but it’s totally okay for her to take her time. Your annoyance/disappointment/frustration/disapproval about the way she feels, will make it ten times worse.
Take it in your stride and just work things around her until she’s ready.
If she was a younger person, fair enough. But at 14 almost 15, I think fairs fair she needs to toughen up. It's not like she only just knows now that people have sex, she's known that for a long time. So that's a cop out in my book.
I think you just need to explain to her that he makes you happy and this is something you've wanted for a while, and it's not that you want any less to do with her but you want someone to be your companion. I think she would know though and just doesn't want to hear it yet.
If you can, organise a dinner out where she can meet him and don't do the whole come back to my place thing, just meet there, do dinner and then head home so it isn't like he's intruding on her. Then maybe in a few weeks have him over for lunch (not dinner where it's like he might stay the night) and just progress. See a movie all three of you and little bonding things, make it clear to her he doesn't want to be her father figure but wants to be a part of her life seeing as she's so important to you :)
This feels too pushy to me and not giving her options. This is what my mum did to me and I still despise her for it, as well as the guy (who didn’t even last longer then 4 months with)
Why should she have options though? It's horrible to hold your parent back and despise her for wanting to live her life. I think at 14 years old it's rather selfish of a teenager, they're old enough to know loneliness and have a very good understanding of it.
She should have the option not to know him until she is ready. She’s also old enough to know when she isn’t comfortable with something and shouldn’t be forced to just deal with it.
I am all for the mother having a boyfriend but I just think it’s one of these situations she should tread carefully with because it’s still a young age where she can rebel pretty quickly and badly and sabotage the relationship they’ve got together.
I think making her go for dinner and stuff when she doesn’t even want to know his name yet is a bit much, that’s all.
I am taking everybody's ideas on board. There is no one way to deal with this, but everyone has had something helpful to say. I am not planning to give her any choice as to whether I see him or not and I don't plan to rush anything with the two of them. I just want her to eventually be comfortable with it and as I haven't had this reaction before, I really value the guidance. I have told her for now she doesn't have to meet him but if they cross paths she is to be civil and say hello - like I would expect her to with anyone she meets. I have never ever told her about anyone or introduced her to anyone over the years unless I thought it was serious. This is no different. I will take the advice that I think works for us and I appreciate everyone's suggestions x
Teenage daughter doesn’t want to hear about mums new boyfriend,sounds pretty typical to me, they can be quite selfish at that age. How long have you been together, is there a reason you need or want her onboard? Unless you have plans to get married/move in together in the near future, just do you and don’t discuss it with her. Enjoy your adult time,take it real slow, get to know each other well and have fun, don’t let her put a damper on it and don’t push her to meet/hear about him.