More of a vent than a question.
I have borderline personality disorder. And I think I am pregnant (I have A 2 year old) this pregnancy was planned and I would be about 7 weeks along (positive home test waiting on doctors results. My issue is I am going through hours of the day being horrendously depressed boarding on suicidal
My emotions are chaotic. My partner is as supportive as he can be but I am just a mess and I am unable to take my medication whilst pregnant. I don't think I would ever hurt myself or my baby, but it is emotionally exhausting be happy and laughing one minute and feeling like the world just doesn't want me here the next. I am tired. I am exhausted, not physically just emotionally. And even when I'm happy I want to cry because I feel like I'm waiting for the next wave of anxiety or depression to hit me. I am so scared it's just going to get worse throughout the pregnancy. I'm terrified. I am seeing a GP and a councilor and have been well before being pregnant. I feel like this is going to be the longest 9 months of my life. I am so greatful for this baby as we have been trying for a year but these emotions and taking a toll. I feel like I have no control. Picking a fight one minute, crying the next, thinking about suicide then back to happy. I feel crazy.
3 Replies
This would be an insanely crazy time for you and I'm so sorry it's proving to be harder than you thought. Keep in contact with your support network, have a plan in place in case those thoughts do get too overbearing and remember that none of us want you to not be here. Does your partner need to sit in on a few of these counselling sessions so he is aware what's going on when you're picking fights? He might be able to learn some techniques to help you help yourself when you feel like you can't do it on your own.
I don't have borderline personality disorder but during pregnancy and leading up to my period I experience the same feelings. I just don't want to be around anyone and I just wish I could disappear. Then the next day or a few days later I will be perfectly fine. It's obviously hormonal. I take citalopram for anxiety/depression and it is safe in pregnancy. I don't know if that is suitable for your condition but there are some medications safe for pregnancy that may be able to help you. It's good that you're seeing a counsellor too because I had to when I was pregnant with my son and it made a world of difference. I found also that after the first trimester, my erratic moods and feelings calmed down a lot so hopefully once you reach the second trimester it will improve.
Have you thaught of trying cannabis? It may be controversial but women use it to fight depression, morning sickness and other pregnancy ailments all over the world. Some have even been prescribed it in western countries now. It is a natural herb and a hell of a lot safer than taking man made drugs or even feeling depressed. Look onto it you may be surprised to find that there has been no stidies to say that cannabis has any negative affect on baby. Indeed it has been reported that children from pregnancies where the mother took cannabis score higher on cognitive tests.