So... here it goes.
My husband and I have been a bit of of a rough patch lately. Financially, it was our fault for not standing up for what was right and getting completely screwed over. Needless to say, huge strain on our relationship. We made some smart decisions over time and we are in a better situation now.
So As I'm realising I'm not a kid anymore (screw this adult rubbish) I'm on a who the hell am I and what do I want with my life journey. A journey of self discovery. I've been thinking a lot of my relationships lately and actually taking in what people are saying to me. I used to be in my own world just doing my thing... but now I'm listening and I'm realising that the people closest to me actually don't like me.
My husband doesn't support me in anything I enjoy whether it be sport or a part of a committee. Doesn't like my family, doesn't like my body, my mind. He basically makes me feel like I'm never going to be who he wants me to be and who I am isn't good enough. The comments are like a knife through the heart. He gets embarrassed of me easily.
My parents are similar. Nothing I do is ever good enough. What I choose to do for a career, could well and truly be the worst thing in the world.
My sister it's like she can't stand to be around me or my children. My brothers, always the little sister, always in need of something.
Its not in my head. I could tell you the comments of each of them and your mouth would drop. I'm making conscious efforts to be this wonderful person that is always happy, positive, helpful, organised, sucessful and listening to others and their opinions. I was really starting to enjoy the journey of finding me and what I enjoy and who I want to be and what I want to achieve out of my life.
And each of these people who are supposed to be my biggest supporters I am disappointing just by being myself.
I feel unworthy. I feel like an absolute piece of crap. I feel like I'm not meant to be happy. I feel like even though I'm out of the rough patch, I feel like I did then. Depressed and like no one would really give a shit if I was here or not. The only thing keeping me going is my children. My children love me and I try to focus on that. I really do. I fear they too will think I am disappointing them like i disappoint everyone else. Life is great and I want to enjoy it. I need some tools to block the negativity or does that wisdom come too with age. Help.
Am I alone?
5 Replies
Being in your own little bubble is sometimes just what you need. When you and your little family of peoples don't need anything from others it's easier to make that decision to let the deadwood go. Do what makes you happy, be who you want to be and anyone that doesn't like it or rains on your parade doesn't really deserve to be a part of your journey. Don't let guilt of "but we've been together x years, I'd be throwing them away" or "but it's family, you have to put up with family" hold you back from being happy. The world is already a cold hard place without our soft place being full of c%&ts.
Maybe it's not you. Maybe your family and friends are really negative people all round. It's quite probable they are negative about everyone, and that nobody is ever good enough.
Make a conscious effort to cut everyone out who is negative and go on the hunt for some positive friends. When I had my first born I did that and it was the best decision I ever made. I only allow positive people into my life and make a conscious effort to constantly remove negative people with negative energy from my life. Nobody has time for people who bring you down :). Also, I found that I actually was negative myself previously and that is why I attracted negative people. When I became positive, I craved positivity. This could be the same with you.
IM, what you are lacking is self love and care. You are worthy of these things. Sometimes, with our journey, comes the process of letting go of relationships that do not serve a purpose. Continue with your journey for no one but yourself. Do what is best for you and your children. I am sending you love, light, and healing. You are a beautiful soul who deserves it ♡♡
Omg I would so like to be friends with you because I think we could chat for hours. And be ourselves together xx