My boyfriend split from his wife in 09/15. I split from my husband in 11/15.
We met in 03/16 & our relationship had moved quite quick since however I went in thinking his past would be dealt with within 6 months. (Quite messy over money, she wants it all & she won't agree on children). I should mention we both have Children to our ex's.
In the time til now we moved in together in Jan & welcomed our own little girl in May, we both granted divorce in May & we are still in court with his ex at our cost of so far 40g.
So for our relationship, he always tells me I'm more special then her, I mean more, I show more, I am a better person. He proposed to her quite quickly(after 14months) & he knows I feel strongly about marriage but I am still his 'girlfriend'. Tells me 'when his past is dealt with' or 'one day'.
This hurts. I want more.
And it's making me feel like I'm not good enough! He threw everything she wanted at her, marriage, house, joint banks etc. yet I sit here, I got the house but don't see a cent otherwise & Cars need work on them. But I get the stress of everything. Why is hurting? Why do I get jealous of what they had?
Why is it hurting?
Why is it hurting?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
12 Replies
Firstly stop comparing the financial situations. That's just totally unrealistic for you to have financially the same things. The court costs alone just make that something that he has no control over. Add in that he would be paying child support this time. That's just the facts about being with someone who has a history and moving in together and making babies with someone who's stuff isn't finished yet. It is quite the norm for it to take years.
He physically can't throw money and cars etc, at you because he doesn't have it!
Secondly there relationship didn't last. So why would you want the same as her? Having those things doesn't make a relationship work. It doesn't mean it will last the distance.
Of course the entire situation is stressful. It's probably a good idea to get yourself some counselling.
Far out lady, you have been granted your divorces in May and it is the end of June and youre wanting a marriage proposal? Plus you have a kid? So you took a total of 4 months before beginning a new, very serious relationship? Slow down, for you, your kids especially, him and his kids.
He's scared now and that's completely normal and understandable!
He went all out and tried to do everything for first women he married and it turned to shit. Ofcause it's going to hurt him and make him hesitant to do this again.
He loves you and tells you this and has started to rebuild his life and has chosen you as his partner. Don't be jealous Hun, enjoy what you have and give it time. It's only been a year and a lot has happened i.e. Moving in together and having a baby.
You don't want what they had because what they had didn't work.
My ex and I were engaged at 12 months and 6 months later we had our first daughter, 6 months after that we were pregnant with #2. While I was pregnant with our first we joined accounts.
When I walked away after being with him for 4 years I was left with 30k + debt and not a single thing else.
My current partner and I also got pregnant very quickly and 12 months into our relationship we are about to welcome our first child together.
We have seperate accounts and a joint account and as much as I hint to him that I want a ring I know it will come when he's ready.
Sometimes these things take time and it's often for the best.
I hate the fact that when bub is born I won't share her last name but hopefully one day I will.
One day being when my partner is ready and not because I've forced him into it.
What do you mean she wants it all? Do you mean she wants what she's entitled to after being married to the man? My parents divorce is quite messy at the moment my mum doesn't want it all, she wants what she's entitled to after 20 odd years of being together. My dad is refusing and saying she's not entitled to anything (he's being a jerk really) so what's she to do?
My OH and I have been together 2 years and he hasn't proposed, my ex and I were together 8 years and I didn't get a ring on my finger or an offer of one. Many reasons that he's my ex I'll leave it at that the ring thing wasn't an issue.
You've moved on quite quickly, frankly you've rushed it, a baby a relationship, only officially just divorced and now you're trying to force the ring issue already? Give the guy some time. Yes you're in a new relationship, a commuted one but it's still new. You moved quite fast without thought or reason and your OH is adjusting. He's just gotten divorced, is still struggling with his ex wife and you're being all about you. Your feeling and what you want. Did you discuss marriage before you fell pregnant? Did you discuss anything about the future before you became entwined together forever with a new life? What's important right now is too make sure your foundations are strong, that you are on the same page and that you are supporting each other. Right now he's not ready to get engaged too you and you need to respect that, you need to wait and not pressure him. Don't be jealous of how quickly he moved in proposing to his ex it didn't last and if they've just gotten divorced it certainly didn't work out for the best, there's a reason for that. He's using caution this time and so he should!! just like you should be. Don't want what his ex had, want what you have. Otherwise you're just going to ruin it for yourself.
Eek Id run for the hills if he started listing ways Im better than his ex. So Im figuring out that you werent living together until after you were pregnant? My advice is all the stuff - marriage, proposals, house, babies, you can force them and make them happen, but if the relationships not there then the further you push the commitment the bigger disaster youre building.
The fact he compares you to her just makes me sad. Thats not a good thing!
He hasnt finished his very messy divorce, hes comparing you to her and youre already living together with a baby and youre stressing because you want even more.
Let him get over his divorce and his ex first. It takes time.
You have to think of the court costs as his. Its something he has to do. Considering how new your relationship is, I would not be putting my own money into his divorce. So when its finalised, then he has whats his minus court costs - thats what he brings to your relationship.
Maybe he learned the first time around that throwing what she wants at a girl doesn't equate to love or happily ever after. If you want something do it for yourself. Maintain your separate accounts for now but open a joint account for bill paying that you both contribute to. If you want cars, money and a nicer lifestyle then work for them, he can't provide those right now so do it for yourself.
The only thing you can't throw at yourself is marriage, and honestly as others have said - slow down. To put it into perspective, it's been 18-19 months since you separated from your last husband. Rushed proposals in my experience seem to be the norm in young irrational men, was he very young when they married? I know within the first year (18-19 yrs old) I turned down about half a dozen drunken proposals from my partner (and one random one from one of his acquaintances that thought he would be better for me?). That cooled his heels a little, about 12 years ago he said if I turned him down again he'd leave me (yeah right!), I told him if he asked me drunk again I'd kick his ass out. Stalemate. Alternatively, every one of his friends that also did the early drunken proposal that was accepted are divorced and some very messily at that. It's a huge thing, marriage. It deserves a lot of time to be sure you've got it right.
Marriage might be important to you but with the whole rush thing going on it comes across as being married is more important, you should find out why that's such an issue and it might help you begin to slow things down.
You guys have had a baby together, if that's not commitment I don't know what is!
I can understand his reluctance to get married again, divorce proceedings are painful. I witnessed my own parents separation and divorce when I was a kid/teen, honestly that was enough to put me off ever getting married. I've been with my partner for nearly 12 years, 3 kids and I don't think we'll ever get married. Doesn't mean we don't love each other or we're not committed.
He says he loves you, that's just going to have to be enough for you I'm afraid.
Once bitten twice shy maybe?!?! It doesnt mean he loves you any less but I think you are pushing him too fast too soon. Just because you are ready doesnt mean he is.
You both need to stop comparing your relationship with your past relationships. I'd be hurt to hear my partner always saying how much better I am compared to his ex!! Because it's irrelevant and he shouldnt be thinking about her or comparing her to me.
As for the proposal, he probably wants it to be perfect. He's done it before and it turned to shit... so this time he might be waiting for PERFECT time. Also, you've got the rest of your lives together ... what's the rush ... stop and enjoy your children ... then you can focus on new and exciting things later as they grow up.
Don't compare your relationship to his previous one, there was a time where I did that, And I soon came to realise that my partner has feelings, he has emotions, he doesn't want to rush into things and have a similar outcome,
It's mature of him.
Help him build a better life, do it together, make accomplishments together :)
You have nothing to worry about! :)