Im sorry for the long post but i need some advice.
Ive got a very close male friend who ive been friends with for 15+ years... ive shared stories with this man, ive cried on his shoulders time and time again, ive made love to this man....ive trusted him with my life, ive lied for him and protected him.... this has been a great friendship and i admire him dearly. Now the sad/bad thing his younger brother has told me he raped him as a child, not once but several times, as you can imagine this has absolutely gutted me and im still in shock but im so lost, confused and trying to figure out whats true and whats not.... unfortunately i haven't spoke to my mate and have only heard one side of the story but what the hell do i do and how do i handle this, how do i put it past me (if its untrue) the questions are endless.... please any advice would be greatly appreciated
Completely shattered and unsure what to do or believe
Completely shattered and unsure what to do or believe
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Relationships & Marriage, Behaviour
9 Replies
How old was your friend at the time? Honestly i think its a bit strange that the brother tells you, one of his best friends. I can only think its to cause trouble for his brother. As awful as the allegation is, thats no way to go through adult life either. I would probably encourage the brother to sort it out formally and at least seek help for himself, instead of telling his brothers friends.
Im not sure on age, sorry... the brother had a facebook status up saying how down and depressed he felt, i just inboxed him and asked if he was ok and then just starts talking about this to me 😢😢
I'm not sure how age is relevant? If this did indeed take place, it is all kinds of wrong, regardless of how old they were or how long ago it happened.
I'm not sure that you will ever find out for sure, if it happened.
You just need to ask yourself if you can stand by your friend, knowing there's a possibility that he sexually assaulted his brother, who I am inclined to believe to be honest. That is a monumental, family destroying lie to tell, And it's not usually something males would make up.
Of course its relevant if he was a kid, who knows what else was going on in this household if it was 20 years ago and they were both children, thats an entirely different scenario
You are of course right in that respect, God only knows what depraived things may or may not have been going on. That doesn't change the fact (assuming he is telling the truth) that he was victimized and molested by his older brother.
It is a very difficult situation for the OP, it's hard to say what the right course of action to take here!
'I've lied for him and protected him'
Big Red Flag
Great guys don't need you to lie for them or protect them.
My experience of sexual abuse, guys are deeply ashamed and embarrassed about being abused. It takes A LOT for them to tell, speak up etc. It screws them up big time and usually they let it out when they are in the midst of a breakdown due to hiding the trauma too long.
Nobody enjoys or wants to destroy there family by announcing they were abused by a relative.
I'd absolutely believe the brother.
I'd also seek some counselling for yourself and have a fresh look at your relationship with this guy through the lense of this new information.
To add: the abuse victim holds on to the info in order to keep the family in tact and out of fear they deserve the abuse, are gay or won't be believed. It's not until they explode and have a breakdown that they literally can't keep it a secret anymore.
Yes I completely agree with you!
It often takes a long time for these things to come out into the light. You can't trust everyone who claims to be abused and you can't trust everyone that says they never did it, it might be cynical but I have no faith left in people and rely solely on the facts and my gut reaction. Look at the situation impartially and go with your gut.
For us, I was 30ish when it finally got the better of me, I'm mortified that my strength gave out but it did and I crashed hard. If it had of happened in my mid-late teens I have no doubt I'd not be here today, it's the love of my partner, my love for our son, the life we'd worked so hard to build that inspired me to get past the blowing the lid off and subsequent reactions. I too was raped by an older sibling at a young age for several years.
Here's why I say go with your gut if you want the honest truth.
In our circumstances, "he" is literally a loser. A liar, user, thief. Animal abuser (seriously left a pregnant bitch tied up in a backyard with no water or food when he moved interstate). Irresponsible father, unable to hold a job or to function as a contributing member of society. Sure my judgement is clouded but I also call a spade a spade and he's not worth the cost of the spade to beat him over the head and bury him.
I have no use for lies because I don't give a fuck if people like me or what they think of me, I need nothing from outside my personal bubble. The people in my life (as few and precious as they are) are there because they mean the world to me, not because I want something from them or think I can get something from them. I don't want or need to steal, I work for what I have and want. I have pets, and in fact I took the bitch above into my home and family until she had and raised her pups. She got along great with our boy dog and he was great with her puppies too, it was a beautiful time for us. I raised and vaccinated the pups at my own cost and gave them away to friends or their friends so I knew where they were going, then I rehomed mumma dog to a family on a farm (she needed space and we have a large suburban block but it wasn't enough). I've overcome everything to be open, honest, reliable, hard-working, kind, empathetic, giving and loyal.
On paper it looks like a no-brainer, surely anyone's gut reaction would be to go with believing me, but they almost all chose him and it took me a long time to process that their choice was a reflection of them not me. This is what his brother faces now.