Hi all. Iv been with this guy for 6mths (yes I know not long) I really felt like he was the 1 for me like my soul mate. The connection we have is nothing iv ever felt before. We have both been burnt numerous times in previous relationships. My husband comitted suicide 15 yrs ago and my last partner of 12yrs left me for another woman in the worst way possible. This is the 2nd time we have split now. The first time he said I didn't love myself or even like myself and I needed to ho on my own journey to find myself but he still wanted to be friends and be there for me. I understood this to a degree as I do have alot of trust issues, insecurities, I over think everything and read more into a situation then what's really there. This last split he told me he's had enough of my bullshit and can't live like this. He told me I can't see the big picture and what he is trying to achieve with us as in building a life together, I get too fixated on 1 particular thing and always see it as a negative. For example if he doesn't reply to a text I think worst case or if he just wants to chill at his place I think iv done something and he doesn't want to b around me. When in actual fact and it's been proven he just wants some time to himself. He has let me down numerous times, saying he is coming for tea and staying the night, then last minute he's not. He doesn't see anything wrong with that, plans change, yes they can but not all the time especially when iv made a special tea, shaved my legs etc (you get the drift). I do actually see where he is coming from this time and I'm seeking help for myself as I feel I got too attached to him and based my self worth and happiness on him, not on me as a person. Unfortunately iv been this way for so long as in my negative thought patterns that even tho I know it's happening I don't know how to change it and I mean change it permanently. I wear my heart on my sleeve and always take things personally. I see everything as iv done something wrong. Has anyone else experienced this? If so we're you successful in changing it and how? I constantly beat myself up after an incident as when iv calmed down I see it for what it is but I seem to have no control over my thoughts and emotions. Iv accepted its over between us too much has happened in a short time, however i dont want to make the same mistakes in the future. Any advice please!!
8 Replies
Time to see a psychologist! They can help you work through this. Start with your GP they can write you a referral.
I think I've been where you are to some extent or another.
Things are much much better now. I'm fantastic in my own skin.
I was you once, you need to be single for a very long time, get your self esteem up without having a partner. I agree a psychologist could help.
How long did you stay single for?
I am still single, but know that if I were in a relationship now, I would demand respect and a break up would not destroy me. You're frame of mind is all wrong, there is no set time, just be alone, you will know when you are ready. Don't be single, biding your time, waiting to be ready for a relationship, just focus on yourself and your kids. Change your mind set, being single makes you grow as a person so much, why do you need to be in a relationship? All this time focusing on your relationship could be concentrated on yourself and your kids, relationships aren't supposed to be this hard, you need to sort out your issues, with no expected time line. Just "be" for a while. I'm going to be brutally honest here, you sound high maintenance at the moment and any good man isn't going to be able to handle it
I appreciate your honesty and definitely understand what your saying. Thankyou last thing I want to be seen as is high maintenance.
I completely understand because I've been you, always worried I'm not good enough, husband left me, now I wonder if people are good enough for me and my gorgeous son. I am happy single, would have to be an amazing guy to make me get into a relationship again. I don't need a partner, so I know if I repartner it is because I choose to. You will get there, I promise ❤️ You sound like you have a beautiful heart, anyone would be lucky to have you, but you need to realise this. From experience, relationships that are really intense at the beginning (found my soul mate etc) are the ones that fizzle in the end. Relationship based on friendship, understanding, laughs, that build over time are the ones that stand the test of time.
It doesnt matter what youre seen as. Youre giving so much power to the way men see you.
when you feel happy and sane amd not overthinking and self destructing you will feel confident, confident enough to know the right man will love your quirks and support your insecurities and the wrong one will call you high maintenance and thats not your problem. It all comes from within you though.
Great advice