I'm a young mum with 3 kids . My husband and myself are finding it really hard to find like minded people ! We are I guess you can call it " alternative ." My eldest has started school this year and I was hoping to make friends with other parents - however I've found a lot of the Mums are older and don't seem to want to chat . We have a few parents we have got to know with kids that we are really trying to be friends with but its so hard as our lives / parenting styles are so different ! We don't want to hang out and drink at the pub, hang out at McDonald's or go over for dinner when the kids just play video games ! Been a few issues to like we don't allow our kids to drink soft drink ( parents looked at us like we are crazy and mean ) and even more so when our plate to share was a salad :( no one but us ate it . My daughter who is almost 2 is still breastfed and my goodness the looks I got when they found this out and laughed because we use cloth nappies and co sleep .
Don't get me wrong I have no issue with how others choose to parent if it works for you great! I realise we are all different and no one has parenting " wrong " if your providing your children with love ... But we believe food , healthy life style and being surrounded by postive people is important . We want friends that would like to be outdoors , bush walks , camping , farmers markets , beach , eating healthy food and being able to have someone I can discuss healthy recipes and natural remedies for things with.
Please tell me I'm not alone ! Are there other young parents who are alternative ?? Where do I find you ?
20 Replies
Hi, I parent similarly but I dont bang on about it & fit in with people just fine. I havent found the need to find certain types to be friends with although actually despite living this way I find many people that do really obnoxious or overbearing with it.
Sometimes if someone says lets meet at Maccas I say, can we go for library or park and usually they say sure I dont like maccas just offering a place. But if they are meeting at a pub or maccas we go there too.
I do find mums groups really hard though they seem to always want to meet at a coffee shop or a play centre, but Ive learned that if you put it out there as an extra offer, not an instead of, for eg, who will be at the markets this morning? Would anyone like to meet for a swim after? then you find the people that are happier to do that too.
I love how I have friends from all walks of life. I don't choose friends who meet a particular criteria. I personally would not want to be friends with someone like that. Maybe scrap expectations and accept people for who they are. You may find an amazing friendship with someone who is different to you.
Yes! This!
Im not what i would call alternative, however i do parent differently to my friends. I can get where your coming from, making friends and/or being friends with others when there are different forms of parenting involved or living in general can be difficult. My friends and i manage to stay friends by simply agreeing to disagree. It works for us. Perhaps find some friends who are just willing to like and accept you and your family, for the way you are. Best of luck xx
I am a lot like you I had my first child when I was a teenager and I love markets, outdoors and bush walks too, I breastfed for longer than usual and still co-sleep with my 2 year old and she is in a Montessori daycare and my oldest is in a private school. Love healthy food and exercise etc, but I have friends who don't like those things and I'm ok with that. How boring would life be if we were all the same. Just enjoy people for who they are, not what whether or not they go camping and eat healthy food etc.
If you want to meet alternative people you probably need to hang out where alternative people hang out. Mainstream public schools are full of mainstream people with mainstream ideas. nothing wrong with that, and it can be healthy to hang out with differences.
I love that I have different friends that fulfil different interests of mine. Not all of our interests and beliefs align and that's very much ok. For example I have a friend that loves theatre as much as me (but not ballet). I have another friend who loves ballet like me. I have a friend who is my drinking friend. I have my autism mummy friends. They fulfil different parts of me, sometimes they cross over sometimes they don't.
Accept people for who they are, that "mainstream" person may have a heart of gold and great listening ear. Sometimes we just vibe with people, despite what they eat and what their hobbies are. When you limit yourself to one small genre of people, you could potentially miss out on some wonderful friendships. Just because you met a group of women that you didn't vibe with, doesn't mean you label everyone as "mainstream". I don't let my child drink soft drink either (9 year old), we eat salad on a regular basis hahaha, I limit his electronic use, we have a pool and go walking sometimes, but I don't consider myself alternative lol and social gatherings at people's houses and kids playing video games, unless they are m rated, what's the big deal? People gather in their homes and have parties, it's what people do. If you are sitting there judging them on what activities the kids are doing, what do you want them to do, have organised games at every casual BBQ? Also, I don't tell people that my child is NOT allowed to drink soft drink, I just direct him to alternatives. I also never talked about where my baby slept at night or if I am still breastfeeding. I find people that label themselves alternative, feel the need to tell you all the details of their lifestyle like they are superior and those people always rub others the wrong way. Let go of all your parenting philosophies, sit down and just have a laugh and giggle, if they aren't your type of people, keep looking but NEVER label yourself or others, or no one will meet your expectations.
I started off with an entirely different expectation of where this was heading. Alternative meaning challenging norms.
Choosing healthy food, living a healthy lifestyle, wanting to be around positive people all seem pretty normal and the opposite would actually be the exceptions? The issue seems to be more that you think people who are different to you have no place in your life or are less worthy of a place in it just for being different. If these values are so important, join forums to meet like minded people. Nothing mentioned strikes me as alternative at all.
There are people who do it 'extra' and like to talk about it, really like to talk about it. their organic garden, their dehydrator, salt lamp, what they've bought from the health food shop. I had a friend like this (note HAD) in her eyes people who feed their kids water and fresh fruit without talking about it or worrying if its organic homegrown just arent even on her level of enlightenment...
I agree....like seriously why do the new friends even know what type of nappies she uses?
Why do they need to know what type of nappies you use? Maybe they laughed because it's not really a normal thing to talk about and they felt awkward? I think just relax a bit, people don't need to know things like that.
Why not just ask if they'd like to come to the markets or on bush walks with you? You may get a yes. But you don't need to talk about absolutely everything you do with your kids down to the nappies you use. You'll never find someone who is exactly like you either...although you may find people who would like to join you at places like the beach or markets. Good luck.
Maybe stop assuming they are judging you...like my friend uses cloth nappies I wouldnt judge her at all but I wouldn't want her to judge me for using disposable....in fact I really couldn't give two damns about who uses what nappies as long as the poo is contained and I think generally most people feel the same.
Maybe don't overthink the "alternative" title and just parent the way you parent accept how others parent.
Everything you listed seems pretty normal to me anyway... unless the parents you've met are just chugging litres of coke and beer and eating frozen box pizza and curing a runny nose with a box of out of date antibiotics, i couldn't imagine too many not having some similar interests.
Invite some other families to the beach or a walk, they dont have to do everything the same as you to get along. :)
I think in the making friends at school for you u need to
Relax a little . Maybe ask your child who they've made friends with and start with that parent? Start with just a how was your day? Or how great
Is it they've made friends, How is your kid coping starting school .. focus on the kids and how they are going. The school
Ground is a daunting
Place for us newbies . Maybe the older mums are feeling the same as you and your assuming they don't want to chat ?
Also
With the 'alternative' label you are putting on your self I suggest you drop it. I do a lot of what you have listed - co-sleep, breast feed
My almost 2 yo, no
Soft drinks for my kids , prefer the outdoors or parks to maccas and home
Video games. but I don't make a thing of it and I certainly wouldn't not hang out with a family if they did different to those things ... I still take my kids to cafes and maccas when the other families are there , and would still visit people's houses if there are video games , I still allow them to attend parties where there's soft drink , but they know to go for the juice or water , - why? Because it's also important to not judge others the way you are feeling judged !! And it's also important to me that my children
Feel included in all the different social settings ...
with the share a plate example you gave what kind of salad did you bring ? Maybe u can get more adventurous or less adventurous with your salads depending on what you brought ? Or bring a fruit platter instead next time ?
I just read your post again so even after saying all that I think if you want to make really specific friends though like you seem to be suggesting I'd be joining local forums - look up natural parenting or natural therapy pages , even positive
Parenting forums or something like that .
i was probably considered 'alternative' when living in Vic, moved to Byron Bay region, where I'm more than likely considered pretty conservative/mainstream ?
Keep an open mind, you might be surprised where you find fellow conscious parents. We don't all wear purple, have dreads and pit hair
I was friends with a woman who would not participate in anything considered "mainstream" and would constantly point out all the "mainstream" things others were doing and came across as someone who thought they were superior. I couldn't tolerate the friendship, not because of her interests and style, because i had some similar, but her attitude towards everyone else.
Just relax. Don't put too high expectations on people to fit into particular categories. We come in far more varieties.
We have similar rules with our three and have had no problem making friends. We don't think we are speacial or alternative though, just people trying to do what they think is best for their kids.
Perhaps you are in the wrong area, I am fat but surrounded by lovely fit and outdoors families. They are out there. In saying that when I walk to get my lunch(I buy fresh by day as I am fussy lmao) there are people who are at the Maccas everyday day in day out!
I find it a bit weird that you already know this much about other people's personal choices at only week 5 or so of the school year. My eldest is in grade 3, and I'm friends with many of the other parents. I wouldn't have a clue how long most of them breastfed for, or what kind of nappies they used, or how old they are. Nor do I care. They probably have no idea that I breastfed my kids for 3.5 years, or used cloth nappies, or buy organic, or that we have a healthy diet and lifestyle. It sounds like you're trying to interview other parents for a friendship!!! And to honest, they might be getting the wrong vibes from you if it seems that way - nobody wants to be judged as soon as you've introduced yourself. Chill out a bit, and give people a chance, whether you know their personal lifestyle choices or not.
The Gentle Breastfeeding group on fb! Or Breastfeeders in Australia have meets so you can meet like minded people. A few mums with older kids hang around after breastfeeding cause there aren't many gentle pages. I can't do mainstream ones anymore
Hmm, you want to make friends... Maybe try being less judgemental and sanctimonious.
You don't need to announce to the world about how you feel so 'alternate' in your parenting style. Just find some nice people - the world is full of them. They don't need you judging them for using disposable nappies or not bfing for an extended period. Maybe this is why they give you strange looks - it's not a competition about who's the best parent.