At 17 weeks mum had to race me to the hospital. The shooting pains in my uterus were so severe I could barely walk. They placed me in the birth suite and left me there for what seemed like hours. Eventually the pains stopped and they sent me home.
Life went back to normal for a while, until one night when I was 23 weeks pregnant, I started to have contractions. “I’m contracting” I said to my husband. “How do you know?” he asked. “I just know it’s happening - we need to get to the hospital”…
When we finally arrive at the hospital, the midwives answer my deepest fear. "Yes, you are contracting…How many weeks are you?" My weak voice answers. “23.” "Ohh" they say whilst exchanging looks. “Can you give me a needle or something to stop the contractions?” the words rush out of my mouth... Once again they exchange sad looks. "No Darling…There is nothing we can do" “What do you mean ‘nothing you can do’?” I pleaded, “You must be able to do something!" They just stared back at me with this sad look...
Once again I was left in the birth suite. A couple of hours later the contractions just stopped. This went on for 2 days – and those 2 days were living hell – the contractions would start - then stop. I never thought I would give birth to my beautiful baby boy; I could feel him kick and move around and knew he was so healthy. Thoughts like “Why is this happening……” “Why me…….” “What did I do to deserve this?” kept on whirling though my mind.
On my third day in the hospital the contractions got worse - and they were now every 2 minutes. A midwife came to me and told me that they were taking me to the birth suite again. "Why" I ask. “Oh… We just need to check everything out…"
Still, after all this time I believed I would get through this. He would be born full term with no complications. But I could not have been more wrong. They wheeled me to the birth suite with my husband by my side. We walked past a bunch of nurses - their conversation hushed as we walked past and they all turned to look at me with eyes full of pity. “Does someone know something I don't?” I asked myself.
When I arrived at the birth suite, I was greeted by my acupuncturist who had come to give me a session – yet another person with sad eyes. “Stop looking at me with these sad eyes,” I thought to myself. “I will get through this - I will show you all.....”
She finished her session and left, when the doctor arrived. "I'm just going to do an internal” she said as she nervously pulled on her gloves. Afterwards she looked at me sadly and said, “You’re 1 centimetre dilated - you will probably give birth tonight"
“No, no, no, no, no, no!” I cry. I turn to look at my husband and tears are streaming down his face. My mind is screaming, “What have we done to deserve this?”
A beautiful midwife walks into the room. She hugs me and places my hands in hers before saying,
You know… when he is born he will die.
My husband lets out this horrible sound. I turn to look at him. His face is torn - he looks as if someone just pulled out his heart. I turn back to her, crying and begging, "Won't you try to keep him? Can't we fly somewhere? I don't care how much it costs – he’s our baby - he is our baby!
I can barely breathe..... The room is spinning …. I feel as if outside the room looking in - this can't be me...
“Will he cry?” I ask. “Will he be alive when he is born?” “He may cry - it depends,” she says. It feels as though hours go by. The midwife then says, “Who do you want me to ring?” “My family,” I hear myself say.
They arrive - all of them. The night turned into day and they were still all there - every single one of them. After 16 hours of labour, I gave birth to my first baby, with my husband, brother, my sister, my mum, my dad, my mother-in-law and my sister- in-law, all by my side, all crying, all in shock. Wasn't this meant to be a happy time?
They handed him to me wrapped in a blanket. He was all warm. He was big. He looked like his Dad.
His eyes were closed and I thought he had passed. I turned him over. I wanted to see every part of him. I didn't know how long it would be until they took him away so I wanted to imprint every part of him into my brain - my baby boy, my first born.
He then gasped and moved. He took his very first and very last breath.
Till this day I regret that moment.
Why didn't I just cuddle him, hold him, skin to skin, close to my heart and sing a lullaby?
Leaving that hospital was the worst day of my life, I was leaving half of me there, he was my baby and I should have been taking him home not organising his funeral.
He was christened Titan Vallely. He would be 7 now. The day he died a part of me did too, but another part of me was born.. I was able to write - not the best writer by any means - but he did give me this gift and I thank him for that.
I am blessed I now have two beautiful children: Maya, his little sister was conceived a year later on his birthday – that exact day I believe he sent her to me…it was actually what got me through the pregnancy with her.. Her little brother, Tex, was born exactly 2.5 years after her. They are the joys of my life and make me who I am today - I love them more than anything in this world.
My husband whom I have been with since I was 16 was my rock through this, I don’t think I would have coped if it wasn’t for him. I love him dearly and he is the light at the end of my tunnel.
Thank you for reading Titan's story – it’s his journey that I feel honoured to have shared, I am so lucky he chose me to be his Mum…
I am not alone; there are thousands of families that have gone through the tragic loss of a baby. If you are one, comment below. I would love to hear from you.
Here is a website I would recommend for anyone suffering from miscarriage, still birth neonatal and infant death: www.sands.org.au
154 Replies
Thanks Kristy. I felt eh same thing when I read your story.
I am still friends with people I connected to back then through support groups. Less often now, thankful many are now so busy with their own rainbow babies.
Hi Kristy, my heart bled for you and Ben at the time. It has again now as I read your story. Well done for sharing it in such a wonderful way. You continue to make me proud to be your friend Love Meg
Thanks Meg xxx
Oh wow. What a powerful and heartbreaking story. Thank you for sharing this with us. xxx
Thank you Veronica xxx
So... my 7 week old son has just gone to sleep after being awake for the past 12 hours. He has done nothing but feed and cry for those 12 hours and I am exhausted. But then I read your blog and it reminded me to enjoy even the difficult times with him, as I am truly blessed to have him. Thank you.
We are all blessed but you are also allowed to be tired and exhausted. don't be hard on yourself it is very difficult dealing with no sleep.... Big hugs and I hope you have had a chance to rest your weary head xxxx
This is the bravest thing I think I have ever read. Thankyou so much for sharing.
Ohh thanks babe xxx
I'm sitting here, crying for you and imagining those unbelievable moments you went through - days of labour, birthing your beautiful boy and holding him in your arms. I am so sorry that you didn't get to spend more time with him on the outside. He was lucky to have such an amazing mum who loves him so much.
You're amazing for writing this piece and sharing it with the world.
Thank you so much Amy! Your words are so kind and beautiful - thank you xxxx
I don't know what to say. Referring to something as heartbreaking seems a kind of shallow thing when your heart's been smashed into a million tiny pieces. I hope this helps you to remember Titan the way you want to.
Having gone through a miscarriage at 4 weeks, I just can't imagine the strength it took for you and your husband to get through this.
Thanks Zoey, it actually made us stronger, and knowing that it was his journey, his choice, made it easier. He was a very strong and beautiful soul that was needed somewhere else. He has effected so many people and he only lived a half an hour. What an honor that he chose us to be his parents... Truly blessed xxx
Kristy and Ben
Reading your story brings it all back. Titan is remembered by all of us.
There is a saying that you only know sadness when you have been truly happy. Betty
Ohhh that is so true xxxxx thanks Betty
Just sent you a message Kristy x Thank you x
Thankyou Kelly xxxxx
my children are very trying..but i love them more every day :) thank you for shareing ur story..xx
They are very tiring.. we are only human, be kind to yourself as a Mum- I'm sure you are amazing xxxxx
Oh wow, I have tears streaming down my face. You are an amazing woman to share your story. Thank you. x
Thank YOU for reading xxxx
When I feel what this post made me feel. I must write. I will write for you & Titan and every other baby who skipped walking & went straight to flying.
Thank you Stacey - Your one BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL soul and I appreciate you sharing my story!!
It will be 7 yrs on 21st December 2011 since my third born Amber Jade died at birth at 32wks. I have since gone on to have my 'miracle' Montana who was also born at 32wks after a month in hospital, bed rest from 8wks and 8 miscarriages with help through Wesley IVF. There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of Amber. What she would be like now, why didn't I take more pictures, why didn't I hold her longer, why didn't I go to the hospital sooner. I don't think any of us who have gone through this will ever get through it as such, we just learn to live with it. There is a quote that I love : For those who understand no explanation is needed, For those who don't understand no explanation is ever good enough. My heart breaks for anyone who has to know this type of pain. It is a club that no parent should ever belong too.
Ohhhh Caroline, I'm sitting here resonating with your story, 6 weeks after Titan's death, I nearly had a break down all of those what if's nearly broke me... I went into my Dad's office (I work with my family) I was sort of screaming saying he was my baby he MY BABY!! I want him with me... I don't want him anywhere else his is MINE!!! he said "Kristy it was his choice" (like he had said previously) "you need to know he had to go.... he is where he is meant to be"........Those words once again sort of pulled me out of that deep hole. I felt that one day I was OK the next I was a mess.. It's like it was this repeating cycle of grief stricken, angry, enlightened, until the day that you can cope.. Titan's anniversary is coming up he would have been 7 on the 10th of August... We both went through so much grief... if only we had met then we could have pulled each other through.... I agree it is a club no parent should belong too. But in saying that I am blessed he chose me to be his Mum- he was such an amazing soul... I will remember Amber Jade on the 21st of December.... Your Angel in Heaven xxxxxxxxx
Kristy you are amazing and thank you for sharing your heart with us, I have tears reading of your loss and no mother should go thru what you've been thru. I have been truly blessed with 4 beautiful children. My mum lost my little sister at 7 mths, she only lived for 3 days, my brother and I weren't allowed near her and we sneaked onto the veranda one day so we could see her thru the windows, that picture is still clear in my head to this day. I was 12 yrs old. The nurses closed the curtains when they saw us. I mentioned this to mum only recently and she told me the nurses didn't let her hold Connie either. I thank god things have changed in hospitals these days to allow parents and families to say goodbye. God bless you all xx
Ohhhh... My heart goes out to your Mum!!! how very sad! Thank god things have changed. Not sure how I would have coped other wise.... Thank you for reading Titan's Story and please give your mum an extra tight hug for me... Kristy xx
Very difficult to read.. because my eyes full of tears. I have no words... loosing your baby, I can not imagine. Death of someone close to you is a disaster. I know as not much of my family left now. But loosing your baby! Oh dear... sorry for your loss. Time cures. Kisses & hugs!
Kristy, I don't know where the hell I've been but I've just read this. I'm bawling my eyes out for you. I wish I could give you a big, squeezey hug. This is yet another reason why I think women are amazing. Look what you have survived! Bless your darling Titan for making you the woman and mother you are. My heart aches for his little life lost and your unimaginable grief. Lots of love, Fi xxx
I have tears streaming down my face. Thamk you for sharing Titans story xo
Kristy, I feel like I should have the correct words to say to you after reading your story, having been through something so similar, but I don't. Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps me get through every day just making sure no one ever forgets. I am a mother of five daughters, four in my arms, and one forever in our hearts. Enjoy your babies, for they are so precious.
Joanne
http://ablogbyjoanne.blogspot....
Hey Kristy, thank you for sharing this. I'm a newish fan of your fb page but have only read this story today. With tears in my eyes. For any parent loosing your child is the one thing you NEVER want to experience no matter what there ages are. I had a miscaraige at 5 weeks. "Barely even pregnant" was what most people said but it rocked my world. Most of my family where of the old school mentality that you just don't talk about it, but I couldnt do that. I needed my pain to be heard.
On the anniversary of what would of been my baby's birthdate I fell pregnant to my beautiful son who will turn 7 in October. He is named in memory after a very dear friend who lost his battle with cancer at 10 years. To all our angels that left too soon we love you xxx
I have just been reading all of Titan's story and it has opened a flood gate of emotion and memories. I was bawling reading each of your posts. Pain and sorrow for you and your angel, and for my own little angel. I am so deeply sorry for your loss, but thank you for sharing your story, and for putting into words emotions that I myself have not been able to articulate for a very long time.
I too lost my first born son, Zakariah, at 28 weeks, after a routine check up discovered that he had passed. He would have been 4 in January this year. I was induced that evening, and going into labour knowing that I was to deliver a deceased baby was excruciating. All the medications in the world that they gave me that night to try to make it "easier" couldn't stop the whirl wind of thoughts screaming through my head. I was very lucky to have two of the most caring midwives imaginable there with me the entire evening. They answered every possible question that we could throw at them with compassion and care.
I am very thankful for the caring professionalism of the funeral home. They put together a truly beautiful service, from admittedly very little useful help from my partner and I.
The days, weeks and months that followed are still just like a blur, and I often find myself wondering if there was something I could have done differently, or if I could have handled things better.
I am incredibly blessed now to have the most beautiful, healthy 3 year old boy, and am 17 weeks pregnant again. My pregnancy with my 3 year old were some of the most terrifying, stressful and wonderful months of my life, and this one is shaping up to be much the same. I have found that my experience with Zak, has made every part of the pregnancies that much more precious and every kick, movement or bout of morning sickness is indescribably reassuring to me. My babies are my world.
We too have made sure that Zakariah is a continuing part of our lives, and have endeavored to ensure that his younger brother knows all about him (age relative). My father made a large picture frame to his birth certificate, and the cutest little train which we keep his ashes in, and this is all hung on the wall. I walk passed the "him" a hundred times a day always with a different feeling. Some times I simply say hi, other times I imagine what it might have been like and other times I shed a tear.
Thank-you again for sharing your story. When this all happened to me, I never felt more alone, and only wish that there was a forum like this that I could have turned to. It is courageous people like you who truly make a difference. xox
Been on that painful road. Full term and suffering a placenal abruption due to inducing gel reaction, my beautiful first born boy lost his blood in side my womb before i hemmorage, then emergency c/s delivered him. I was estatic, named him Zane then the nurse told me he wontt make it. I went cold with extreme sadness. It was a tradgedy that needed not happened. I was induced in fear of his size being a first baby, he was only 7.34lbs not the estimated 10lbs. I regret not doing more research before therefore preventing Zanes needless death
Thank you for sharing this. Our daughter has Trisomy 18 Mosaic and we have been told pretty much the same thing that when she is born she will die. Your story gives me hope that I will survive.
~*K*~
My Holly would have been 5 on the 1st of August this year. Unlike you I went to full term but Holly had a genetic condition that we didn't find out about until we did a amino at 38 weeks. We were told her condition was "not condusive with life". If she made it through birth there was only a very very small change she would make it past a few days. My reaction I also regret to this day. I didn't want to feel the pain of the loss of the child that I had carried and was so scared of it that I decided that if she lived that I didn't want to see her or to keep her and that I would leave her at the hospital. I remember the nurses and doctors talking with me about it and writing down my wishes. I felt thier judgement. I was hurting so much and I couldn't face more hurt. But, when she was born and I wanted to see her and I wanted to hold her. She was perfect and I loved her as I had always loved her. I wanted to keep her. She did make through birth and she lived for another 25 days. I am very grateful for those 25 days as I got to be her Mum and bath her and feed her and take care of her that very short time. There were fleeting moments of false hope. Reality was very harsh. It was the most painful thing that I have been through to watch her go though. Watching her tiny life fade and her struggle to breathe. She died in my arms and I felt her leave this world. I cannot explain the depth of the grief that I felt with the empty arms that was left when she was gone. My experience has changed me. I feel so much more than before. My heart goes out to you and all those who are unlucky enough to suffer any sort of loss.
My Samuel who is now 3.5 has healed my heart a lot. My Jessie (7) helped me through my hard times. And I am blessed with a very caring loving hubby and family. Having Sam after Holly was very scary and it took a giant leap of faith to go down that path but I am so very glad I did.
This left me in tears...I'm so sorry...
I was a young mum and my baby was definately not planned, I was 4 months off finishing highschool, had planned to study law, i religiously took the pill. I didnt want children. I loved children and being around them and everyone said i was ' a natural' with them but i didnt want my own, really i wanted the high life. my boyfriend (now husbwant aand) and i decided to get an abortion. Cairns didnt have a spot soon enough (i was 9 +5) so we booked flights to townsville and got in with them. I thought about it so much and two days before being due to go I sat and thought to myself how could i ever live with myself if i went through with it? i would be killing someone. my step-mum and dad had 14 miscarriages, 3 tries at IVF and finally ended up with twins. so many people in this world cant concieve or loose their babies how could i let myself 'terminate' mine. i cancelled the flights and appointment, told my boyfriend and cried for the first time since i had told him i was pregnant. "i was hoping you would say that" was all he said. he didnt want to force me into becoming a mother, he was just going to support me but he also didnt want me to not keep our baby. i completed gr 12, denied my offer to study law and instead got my childcare qualifications. my life is so different and my little boy is now 16 months old. often i look at him and think how did it ever cross my mind to want an abortion? i know some peopl aren't fit to be mothers but my excuse wasnt one like that i simply wanted the partying life, now i think how sad and empty that life would be. i may not have lots of money, or time to go out or spend on myself or have a typical 19y/o life but im sure my heart is a lot fuller than others my age!
your story (and the other comments) made me cry and reminded me just how much of a blessing in disguise my pregnancy was.
Thank you for reminding me.
Hello, I have just read your blog entry .. I comment now because I relate to your experience. I lost my daughter at 22.5 weeks as she was diagnosed with HyperPlastic Left Heart Syndrome. We had the horrific duty of making the choice to terminate or continue till full term knowing she would need an operation immediately to save her life and several more in the proceeding months of her life. I remember those same feelings of being 'in the dark' with hospital staff knowledge. The looks of sympathy and pity almost offensive.
It's always so hard to see outside of your situation when something so tragic is as hand. I was induced, scared and unaware of what was to come (No amount of pamphlets can prepare you for this) contractions blotted out the pain of the death to come, the focus was internal confusion. Until I slipped into a final transition bliss and she made her way into the world wrapped in her sac. I climbed out off the shower floor and into bed, as she was handed to me, placed on my chest, tiny, blue and perfect. Her sticky skin made me feel alive. Her amazing, shockingly tiny hands made me feel small. Her fragile ribs encased her broken heart. She mended the imbalance between mine & her fathers heart. How much more surreal could life get than watching a nurse dress your tiny still born baby in a dolls knitted dress?
I wanted to scream down the walls and run away into the open world with her and never look back.
..I didn't feel normal until my 6yr old daughter ran into the room and straight to her baby sister in the crib, unconcerned with her color, size or lack of life. We shared the most incredible sense of acceptance and unshakeable love I have ever known. The world would wait. We spent a day and a night together. We viewed Angel Coco before her cremation and gave her a special Buddhist ceremony two days later. Her ashes were scattered with my mothers & sisters. She was and always will be the mender of our hearts. Blessings to all families who experience the incredible sadness and power of a child's death. If you are still waiting for another soul to be sent to you, look into your hearts..never give up.
Believe the moments you had with your baby are EXACTLY as they should have been. Thankyou for your blog.
Wow Kristy, I have been following your facebook page for quite awhile now and just decided to check out your website. I've just read this and it made my heart ache for you. You are so strong and I commend you for stepping up to help others. Much love to you and your family xo
I have been a quiet follower of your page for over 12 months now, but have only just built up enough courage to read this. Many times i have clicked, and closed back out of it before even reading the first sentance. It has touched me deeper than you could ever imagine, and I thank you for being brave enough to share. As tears stream down my face I am eternally grateful for everything in this world, and for The Imperfect Mum
I have just celebrated what would have been my son's 12th birthday...My pregnancy was all textbook until it was time for my final antenatal checkup before his birth. No heartbeat was found and I had to endure labour four days later. I am proud to be Tyson's Mum and everyone knows that I am a mother of four, one baby just happens to be in heaven. I know first hand the heart wrenching pain that you have felt and I congratulate for being so strong and raising public awareness through your blog:)
This broke my heart. I am so sorry you had to experience my biggest fear when I was pregnant. I hope he is looking down on you and protecting you as your guardian angel.
Wow just when I thought I couldn't think any more highly of you I read something amazing xxx
Kristy, I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your amazing story. 2 years ago My best friend lost her baby at 20 weeks and had to go thru the pain of a still birth. Whilst I will do everything to support her it was hard to understanding. Your wonderfully written story of baby Titan help to give me a little more insight into her grief. Thank you.
Your words moved me to tears...
I had a rotten day today..my 4 year old just got over the chicken pox...my eight year old woke up with the chicken pox ...my 3 year old has been "naughty" and my three and a half week old has been unwell too.
I had the day from hell...until I read this. ..
Thank you for giving me the privilege of reading this...
You are a strong...wonderful..loving mother who has a beautiful, heartbreaking story to tell.
You tell it with love, beauty and bravery. ..
I lost 2 babies both at 20 weeks a boy and a girl, they would be 21 and 19 now and I still think of them every year on their birthdays, it never goes away. I now have 4 gorgeous children who are my world xxxx
My respect for this page and the reason for its creation has grown 10 fold. What a legacy to give to this world. Bless you all. Especially Titan. X
My healthy 10month old baby boy passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly from meningococcal disease - it is and always will be the most traumatic experience of my life which I will never get over ....nor do I want to get over it.... there are no words.... it was the day the world stopped. .... and life has NEVER been the same. I have learnt to put 'space' around those raw emotions in order to get on with my life because you either sink or swim. Leaving the hospital without my precious child and driving home with his empty carseat and nappy bag in the back was truly unbearable - I realised in that moment I no longer wanted to live and decided as soon as I got home I would take my life and in that moment it was the only thing that made me feel even remotely better..... fortunately for me the over powering love I felt for my other child waiting for me to come home kept me grounded enough to some how get thru the torture and to keep trudging along.... looking back I honestly dont know how I did it by I did. Then something happened the following year that I do not believe to be a coincidence. I gave birth to a baby girl on my baby boys birthday.... at the exact same time of the day aswell (they were both born at 7.45am). During the labor I felt like I was receiving spiritual assistance as I wasn't in much pain at all for majotrity of it and once I hit that moment when it felt like it was getter too much I told my baby boy I couldn't take any more and needed the baby out...... she was born...... just like that. It was a truky magical birth words cannot describe. Iv never shared my story on a public forum before but your story compelled me to do so...... thankyou for sharing ♥
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