Those questions you don’t have the capacity to answer

From the moment our kids were born we have spoken about their big brother in heaven. It was very important to my husband and I that Titan’s memory lived on and that Maya and Tex knew as much as they possibly could about their big brother. At various ages we covered his death and funeral and tried the best we could to answer question they may have.
We were driving along the other day and Maya piped up and said “Mum can I ring Titan” My heart sort of sank and I answered “no darling you can’t”. Her little voice quivering said but “Why Mum? Daddy rings his brother and he’s in America” Why can’t I ring my brother in heaven? My mouth went dry and tears started to flow. Silence fell upon us like a big dark cloud. Those words broke my heart and what made it worse is that I couldn’t rescue her. I had absolutely nothing.

She would never be able to ring her brother. Then a flood of images filled my head it was like the reality of what “would” have had been flashed before my eyes. I saw them exploring the garden together. Him looking after her at school. Them lying together on the bed reading books. I then thought of my own big brother and the thought of growing up without him made me feel sick. This cemented the fact that Maya and Tex would grow up without theirs and none of that would ever happen.

I tilted the rear-view mirror to see her little face. It was like she was completely broken her eyes were wide and she looked sort of shocked. She obviously thought this whole time that Heaven was a place that she could call or visit. I think she somehow finally understood that it wasn’t.

I could give her no answers and the questions kept coming but I had nothing absolutely nothing except tears uncontrollable tears. Tears for her and her brother and what “may” have been.

 

About the Author

Kristy Vallely is the founder and Creator of the Imperfect Mum.

Kristy believed there needed to be a place that women could go to. Where they could talk and relate. A place they could feel safe. A place they trusted. So The Imperfect Mum was born in June 2011. There was obviously such a need that when the gates 'opened' a huge flurry of women followed. Kristy has always been very passionate about women and the issues they face.

Her passion and determination has helped her carve out a career helping others and creating 'a go to place' for women from all around the world.

Posted in:  Life Lessons, Loss & Grief, Loss of a Child (My Story)

35 Replies

katesaysstuff

So heartbreaking :( And what can you be but honest, even while it hurts so much :(

Thinking of you with much love xox

The Imperfect Mum

Thanks Kate!! means so much X

Super Ordinary Mum

Crying reading this - it is ok to cry! Bless her little socks - and yours and Titan's too.xxxx

The Imperfect Mum

Ohh Thanks Darlin XXX

sheffie s

Oh I'm crying too. Big hugs

The Imperfect Mum

Ohh don't worry I am too! X

Mallin09

I know I have never posted on this page but couldn't read this and not share. I have had 2 girls pass away at a late stage of pregnancy and one of those lived in NICU for 16 days & then joined her big sister in Heaven. We have told our now 3 year old from day dot about her sisters in Heaven so that she grows up knowing them so to speak.
We recently changed our plans to go away fro christmas to now go at Easter. Miss 3 pipes up: I have a good idea maybe we can go to Heaven and see Macy and Holly instead. ... Her innocence is priceless. I got away with Heaven is far far away sweety.
Sending love as you remember titan this Christmas.

The Imperfect Mum

Ohh My - You poor soul - I could not imagine enduring that twice.. My heart goes out to you and your family. Our babies are with us always aren't they.. Just there watching their family - I find that comforting XX

Jenfm88

Bawling my eyes out. Big love and strength to you all x

The Imperfect Mum

Thanks Darlin XX

Kirri White

I think you are doing exactly what you need to do Kristy. You're keeping Titans memory alive, communicating openly and loving, loving, loving. Maya and Tex may never be able to call their brother but they will know him all their lives and be able to talk quietly to him as they grow older ....all because of the way you are with them. So much love coming your way my friend xxx

The Imperfect Mum

Ohhh Thanks Kirri!! - beautiful words XX

Leigh

This is exactly why you have done the right thing in keeping Titan's memory alive for your two other children. You have made him real......a person with a family, which is exactly what he is. Sometimes family gets messy, this moment was one of those....but as with many family moments you have probably had in the past, the good and the bad, all of your children were present. You can't have those 'what if' memories in this world, but your children will all be a part of you, forever. x x

The Imperfect Mum

Thanks Leigh.. Yep it was definitely a messy moment.. Thanks for your message XX

Yeran

big massive hugs hun xxxxxxxx

The Imperfect Mum

Right back at you YeranX X

Easy Peasy Kids

Hugs to you gorgeous xx

The Imperfect Mum

Thanks so much my beautiful XX

Louise

It was my angel baby Michael's birthday last week and he is the youngest of 4. The others had found a porate flag they wanted to buy to leave at his grave and then my 5 year old daughter started suggesting other things they could get him...when she suggested a magazine subscription (like she has) I also got the same realisation as you have just described. Do they actually think heaven is a place they can send magazines to? What might have been is almost too painful to think about, although sometimes my daydreams of it are what keeps me sane.xx

The Imperfect Mum

ohhh Louise XX

ratty

can she write a letter to titan, what a beautiful soul xxox

The Imperfect Mum

Ohhh she has - she has written him many - but thank you for thinking of that your beautiful XX

Jennifer Farrell

My little girl who was born after the death of her brother once asked me, "mummy are you going to have another baby" I said possibly one day, "oh, mummy will I have to die". Because we had constantly told her that Corey died and we were so blessed to have her she thought that if I had another baby it was her turn to pass away, she had been carrying that question around for quite a while. I am no help, just thought I would tell you that.

The Imperfect Mum

Ohhh it's hard huh you never really know what goes on in their head - Big HUGS XX

[email protected] LIfe Love and Hiccups

Oh huni, I wish there was some magical words I could say, but to be honest - I am speechless. Your heaven and earth angels are are just so precious and whilst these out of the blue discussions with you daughter may commpletely freeze you for a moment, delight in the fact they are ensuring that little Tex is with you whether you can see him or not.

I once read an article where a blind man said that sight is overrated, what you feel and see in your heart is where the real joy lies. Rest easy causee Titan is the captain of your hearts ! xxx

The Imperfect Mum

Ohhh thanks Sonia - Beautiful words!! I really appreciate you telling the story of the blind man it's so true. Titan is with us and I feel him everyday. XX

Beth

I read and my heart is bleeding for you and your family, I then clicked on Titan's Story being the nosy bitch I am and now I can't stop crying... I have no words but silent hugs for you xx

edenland

Oh my goodness, sweetheart. Just an exquisite post with so much love and ache in it, Kristy. Thinking of you.

xx

[email protected]

I'm so sorry; this must be sp very hard for you. I can't even begin to imagine your loss.

No words, just hugs. Xxxx

Cassiedunphy

Completely understand Kristy. We were driving the other day and Stella had a friend in the back and outta the blue she said " sometimes when I close my eyes at night in bed I wish to see my big brother Ollie". her friend said who's Ollie and she said he is my big brother in the stars, he watches over me. I felt the wind knocked outta me and started to cry. We don't speak about him a lot but enough. I still find it hard sometimes to answer or explain her questions. She is such a beautiful little girl and that she wishes for that at night when really I didn't even know if she knew how to wish or what exactly a wish is, makes me sad for what can never b and that i know her wish can never come true. Xo

Martin Simunic

Great Topic!

Heidi Clark

While its a little different... My dad passed away suddenly when I was 4 years old. It took me a while to understand the concept of heaven. I thought it was the next town over or something. But one of my great aunties once sat me down and said. "I'm sorry sweety but Heaven is a place for special angels and to get there you have to die first... but one day we will all be with each other together in Heaven and you will get to do all those things that you miss doing with your Daddy now then. I can't tell you when that will happen but know its not something to be scared of because Daddy will be there waiting for you and he's going to give you the biggest hug and tell you that he loves you"... Ahhh the memory of this moment brings tears to my eyes.

Mum of 7 and 1 angel

I lost my 2 year old son Sam in Oct 2010.at the time my other children were 4,5 and 7.After having the hardest conversation I have ever had in my life explaining to them that Sam was now in heaven and wouldnt be coming home, I felt they kind of got it.It wasnt until about 8 months later when my 5 year old asked when we could go visit like we did with their big big brother ( 19 ).I was gobsmacked and tried to explain what heaven was..I jumped online that night and looked at everything I could find to explain the situation at their level.Took a while but I did find some great sites.I wish I could remember what they were now so I can pass on to others in need.We cremated my son so we could bring him home.All the kids and my husband and myself talk to Sam all the time.We talk about him and we still celebrate his birthday with a cake ( he would have been 4 on July 19th).I also take his urn when I get the xmas photos done ( they take turns in holding him on their lap)and still put his name on birthday cards and such.Not a day goes by that he is not talked about or to.I am determined that the 3 young ones will grow up remembering their brother even though he wasnt with us for as long as we would have liked.The only advice I can really give is NOT to play the "what may have been" game in your head.It will destroy you eventually.Huge hugs to you and I hope the right words come to you when needed.

Kim | Melbourne Mum

Gosh, this brought tears to my eyes. What a terrible, but beautiful story. We can't take the pain anyway, but by feeling it your kids will grow up to be wonderful, empathetic souls, as your daughter clearly already is. It breaks my heart to read about stories such as yours. Kx

Katarina Butigan

I lost my baby girl at 41 weeks just one week ago today. I just want to thank you for your posts today, and helping me feel like I am not alone in this journey. Thank you.