What should I do?

Anonymous

What should I do?

I need some advice, I don't know where else to turn. I recently found out some super disturbing news about my cousin, most of my family found out about a year ago, but my dad only just told me because he wanted to tell me to be careful having my daugther around my cousin as we have a big event on in September, and I asked why. He messed with his daugther when she was a teen, she is older now with her own children. We dont have anything to do with her or her siblings due to him splitting with his first wife a long time ago and Im not really sure to be honest of the details, but we've always had them on social media and there is 'likes' back and forward etc. But my family is acting like its not a big deal!? Most of my family that found out, deleted her when she exposed him close to a year ago so my dad says (he doesnt have social media). I haven't, even tho I found out just this week, and i feel like I should reach out to her, see how she is, is that out of place? I feel so bad that her own family basically disowned her, when she is the victim. Im not sure if his daugther went to the police or what but im dumbfounded at my families reaction. Im angry at my dad for only just telling me and when I asked him for more details, he didnt know, he said he didnt ask many questions, because it doesnt involve him but that his sister (my cousins mum) wanted it kept quite in the family because he has a reputation to uphold and my cousin admitted it so that should be the end of the story, and he only told me now because he knows the event we are having is big and I wouldnt have sight of my children at all times. Im angry at my cousins and aunty (his siblings and mum) for treating him like the victim because it got exposed and not treating him like a sick sick person, this girl is her grandaugther, shes my cousins niece. How can I trust anyone, how can I trust these people, if they think what he did was no big deal! How can I trust theyll have my childrens best interests at heart in any situation, if they can downplay something so serious as this!?
To add to this, he has more children with his current wife, 3 girls who are younger than 10. Not to mention both his sister and brother have a lot of kids, many who are girls. Does the wife know, surely she wouldnt stay with a man who did that? Do the authorities know? Should I alert them? Should I ask his daugther for more details?
Is it normal for a family to just let something like this go when its exposed that their brother, sister, cousins, child etc, did something so horrible? This is consuming my every thought. Not just because he did something unspeakable, but because people I loved and trusted, appear to be people I shouldnt be trusting.

Posted in:  Mental Health

13 Replies

Anonymous

Wow that’s so messy. I personally would reach out to the daughter and just advise you’ve been told and that you didn’t know.
I would now distance myself from every family member who hasn’t disowned him. I couldn’t have my child around any family member that hasn’t publicly distanced themselves.
That’s must me. My family have disowned people in the past, and we’d do it again. And we ALWAYS side with the victim.

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Anonymous

My husband is from a small town where everyone knows everyone and there are families that have been here for generations. About 5 years ago a teenage girl from one of these families accused a man from another family of statutory rape. The girls family had her back and the man's family had his back. The whole town were talking about it and friends if each side were adamant their person was telling the truth, my partner even had one guy refuse to work for him because his other worker was related to the girl and had her side. The girls side was saying he's a pedophile, the man's side was saying she's a trouble maker just after victims compensation and wrecked his life. The whole thing has made me realize that if your daughter came to you and said someone raped her, you're going to believe that and have her back. If your son came to you upset and scared saying someone's accused him of rape when he swears that he didn't, you're going to believe that and have his back no matter what. We can all say what we would or wouldn't do but until you're in that position you have no idea, you can only control who you support and what you believe.

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Anonymous

Wow see how they are all protecting this evil scumbag! Yes reach out to her. Tell her that you care and that you are sorry. Ask her to meet up with you. Comfort her. Stay away from the family event. I would not have my kids around people who sweep this under the rug. That poor girl imagine how much she is suffering and has suffered. The poor kids and current wife , she deserves to know. She has children to this monster. Protect these girls. Give their mum the heads up , she has a right to know. Get the truth first from the poor victim if she’s up to talking about it. Her dad is scum and why they would want to cover his ass is beyond me.

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Anonymous

Get rid of any one who hides this secret and supports this man.

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Anonymous

How is the scum even invited to the event. Shows what kind of people they are , to protect him and have him around other kids when they know what he is capable of. That poor girl deserves a supporting and loving family. How awful for her. Go reach out to her and cut the ones off who protect him.

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Anonymous

"Not just because he did something unspeakable, but because people I loved and trusted, appear to be people I shouldnt be trusting."

Sadly, Sweetheart, that right there is usually the case. Statistically speaking, a child is far more likely to be abused or sexually assaulted by someone they know and trust. Alarmingly, more often than not, by a direct family member.

I'd be ditching this family event and I'd be giving zero fucks about who it offended. I would also be honest if people asked why I didn't attend. If you won't be able to always have your daughter within your sights, the risk is just too great and by going it kind of makes you a party to this whole charade.
They always say that the standard you walk past is the standard you accept!

His current wife definitely needs to know but don't be surprised if she's already aware and supports him. You would not believe how many wives refuse to believe their husband's are capable of something like that - which I do get to an extent. Accepting that your husband/partner may be a paedophile would be incredibly difficult.

I don't think you should get into contact with his daughter to ask her about it. Put yourself in that position, an estranged relative pops out of the woodwork to question you about the sexual abuse you endured at the hand of your father...
That poor girl would have been through enough, you don't want to re-traumatise her.

I would have no qualms reporting this to FACS or whatever child safety agency is in your state, in fact, as a mandated reporter I'd actually have to because it's a disclosure of child abuse. Youd need to be honest and tell them how you came about this information, be honest and tell them that you can't 100% verify if this is true or not but explain that he has more children of his own who could be at risk, there's other children within the family who could be at risk and a lot of adult family members who are aware and willing to look the other way.
It probably won't be enough to get it investigated but it will be on record and that's better than nothing.

Lastly, as a few other people have said, distance yourself from anyone who supports him or doesn't challenge the absolute disgustingness of keeping this skeleton in the closet. You actually can't trust them.

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Anonymous

My uncle was inappropriate with me for many years, I never wanted him near me, my family thought I was just unfriendly and rude to him. The moron was useless and I had to drive him to work before I went to school, then move into his unit because he couldn’t pay rent. I was working 20hrs a week doing year 12.
I chucked a huge tantrum everyone thought I was spoilt.
My uncle’s girlfriend thought I was weird because I would never be aline in a room with him.
He weaselled his way into mums house with his kids.

Long story short…..
His daughter accused him and had proof.
Family blamed her (a child) said she was trying to make trouble

I contacted the mum and explained what he did to me.

She was also annoyed I didn’t say anything earlier but appreciated She could back her daughter 100%

My family are upset that I added to the drama, but I say bad luck.
I kept his secret for 35 years, not any more. Its an open conversation I had with my kids.

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Anonymous

Unfortunately it is very common.
My sisters son was SA my niece (brothers daughter) from the age of 2-8
It definitely splits families, my nan and sister are trying to keep it quiet, where I’m telling everyone the truth and refuse to have my kids around him

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Anonymous

I personally would cut all ties with everyone that has condoned his behaviour after he has admitted to it. I would never attend anything with a known predator. He did this to his own daughter, what would be do with someone else that he believes he could get away with it.

I get people will forgive their sons for doing this and I appreciate being a parent is loving your kids through anything however there is a difference between loving them and condoning the disgusting behaviour. We are our daughter’s example, we teach them what is okay and how to stand up for mistreatment. I truly feel for you. Its a horrible situation to be in. I would reach out to his daughter.. even if she ignores your message, atleast you showed her some love and care.

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Anonymous

What a mess. My grand father was inappropriate with me and I disclosed to a teacher. This was my mother's father. My parents sat me down, reassured me that it's OK but I would really hurt alot of people if I wasn't telling the truth.

I felt really helpless and said I didn't want anyone to feel hurt. So from then on, I was tarred as a liar.

My relationship with my family has never been that great since. Any time my credibility was bought up, my mother would bring that up and it would always be about her.

I was talking to my sister one day and she said "why hasn't mum ever asked me about it? I walked in on what was happening to you and I may have only been 6, but you were 10. What he was doing was wrong."

I thought for years that maybe I was mistaken or confused. But then I realised I wasn't crazy and the gaslighting, emotional abuse and neglect I had suffered was probably caused by my mother's deep seeded hatred/resentment towards me for sexual abuse that was not my fault.

She chose her father, not her daughter. My father chose to support his wife. When my sister told my father what she saw, he said that it probably would have been enough to go to court. He has acknowledged that he thought my mother's treatment of me was bad but didn't realise how bad it was until she tried having me arrested for assaulting her when that was not true.

She's done other things as a direct result of this. Even if my sister told her what she saw, she wouldn't believe it and I think if she did, she would still somehow make herself out to be the victim.

I don't speak to anyone on her side of the family. Because of all the crazy shit she has done, I have not got a very good relationship with any of my fathers family because they told them I was a troubled child with behavioural problems.

These sorts of things do split families apart into three teams.... 1. Team victim. 2. Team perpetrator. 3. Team enablers/don't want to rock the boaters.

I would suggest you choose wisely. If you do reach out to her, remember that you don't necessarily need to apologise because you both seem to have been kids around that time and you're blameless. You can only go off of what the adults say.

You can say "I didn't realise what happened to you and how much pain was caused by this person. I really wish we were closer growing up, sadly, I never got the chance to. I'm sorry for what happened to you and what has happened since."

If she wants you in her life, but you don't want to get involved, don't open that door.

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Anonymous

Yes, ofger support. She can at least know she has someone. This happens often and why it seems more common than before when people expose these people. Before it was easy to cover up and pretend it didn't happen and often excluding the victim so they can pretend they aren't that kind of family with a worthless abuser in it.
It happened in my family and for me I just never allowed my own to be alone ever with that person. I was labelled over the top, control freak, that I thought I was better, that my husband controlled and seperated me from family. NOPE it was fact they took a sexual abusers side over the victim.

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Anonymous

As a victim of childhood sexual abuse… please think carefully about how you reach out to her.
One fo the hardest things, is having to carry others emotions. They reach out to make themselves feel better, and you end up comforting them. That’s not helpful and it is emotionally draining.
You also get the ones who reach out due to curiosity, want to know if it’s truth, want juicy details etc.
Also don’t reach out in a way rhat requires her to respond straight away or at all. She may not want to think about it in that moment or might have other stressors going on in her life.
Be gentle, be careful and be led by her.
Unless she will get anything positive out of the reaction, don’t raise it x

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Anonymous

100%

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