Attendance at parents funeral

Anonymous

Attendance at parents funeral

My family hate my husband, complete relationship breakdown. They might hate him but he is my support. Recently one of my parents passed away and I’ve been told he can’t attend the funeral, I have advised that he is my support, and that myself and our children need his support. I have said our children can go but I won’t attend.
Let it also be known that my parent also didn’t like my sibling’s husband but as she is taking control of everything, he of course will be attending. How is that fair? What she wants, she gets. Why is she the only one who gets support, yet I am not allowed the same? I am devastated and heartbroken just as my siblings are, this just seems a case of flexing muscles.

Posted in:  Relationships & Marriage

11 Replies

Anonymous

If they don’t want him there - he doesn’t go. You do need to go. It is YOUR family. You don’t need the support at that time - your husband can be minutes away ready to support you. At a funeral it’s just not appropriate to start anything - go, pay your respects to the deceased and leave.
Do not send your children without you. Who will support them??
If your family aren’t willing to support you alone, then you shouldn’t be trusting your family to support them.

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Anonymous

All of this makes great sense. You can’t dictate someone else’s funeral. Their wishes unfortunately. What your sister is doing sounds wrong too. Just go, get it done, he can wait in the car. Or don’t go, you just decide what sits right with you. Your husband has no need to go (for himself) so let this one go, you can’t dictate he goes if their wish was that he doesn’t.

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Anonymous

I wouldn’t miss the funeral, I would go there and support my kids.
Don’t send your kids alone to a grandparents funeral.
He can support you after the funeral.

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Anonymous

Grief often brings out the worst in people; it's human nature. People are hurting so they become selfish.
You need to realise though, they think you're being the selfish one by insisting your partner go or you don't.
I would assume at this point they're thinking of the surviving parent, and they don't want to upset them further by your husband being there.
Maybe they're worried that either your husband or someone else will cause a scene over him being there.
I personally think you should go, without him.
Because missing your parent's funeral will weigh on you in the future FAR more than being pissed off that he couldn't come. If he really is there to support you properly, maybe he could just wait out in the car for you until it's over.
Don't miss the funeral because you're pissed off and prideful. You will only be hurting yourself. And if you bring him against the family's wishes, that will just cause more problems.
I know you feel it's hugely unfair, and maybe it is, but don't burn bridges while you're grieving. You'll regret it.

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Anonymous

Respect their wishes and don't bring him. He can support you afterwards.

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Anonymous

I would not go and pay respects another time. It all sounds very toxic and dare I say it sounds as though the parent that died May have played a part in that. I would skip the circus and say goodbye in your own way.

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Anonymous

This ⬆️

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Anonymous

I would not miss the funeral. At the end of the day, it’s you that has to live with yourself, if you don’t go. You still have your kids there with you for support. It’s not a wedding or something you can get over. It’s a funeral, your parent, the one who raised you or you can just have no contact until the day and turn up with your husband but really, do they didn’t like him, why would he want to go. Best you go but it’s your choice. Write a letter to your parent and place on the coffin with all the things you wish you told them or things you wanted to, so you get it all out and pay your respects and can move forward in peace with no regrets.

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Anonymous

I can guarantee my mother's partner won't be welcome at my grandparents funerals when the time comes and there is a good reason for that. Most people don't want drama at a funeral.

Your husband shouldn't go. He has been explicitly asked not to come.

Maybe this is unfair and just a power trip but those are issues for another time.

If I were in this position, I'd make an appearance at the funeral with my children, have my husband stay near by and I'd stay towards the back so I could discreetly leave if it got too much.

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Anonymous

If your husband is going to make people uncomfortable, the respectful thing is for him to bow out. But if you don't go, you're making a statement against the person you lost, noone else. Don't do that, you'll regret it

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Anonymous

I would go, with my kids, stand up the back, pay my respects and leave.
You’d do well to think very carefully about how much involvement you’d want for your little family to have from this point on 😥

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