I read something the other day, about autism being extreme parenting. I absolutely love that phrase as it's so true!
I really need some help! I have a 13 yr old boy diagnosed with autism and adhd. Prescribed medication but his father doesn't really agree so he doesn't take it anymore, and honestly although it helped with his grades, it didnt help with the anger. Me and the father are not together we split over 10 years ago. The 13yo has ALWAYS been aggressive and violent. He has hurt me, chased me with knives, thrown bricks, kicked his brother so hard in the spine i was worried we would need the hospital, other ways of significantly hurting his brother etc but sometimes it feels like no one believes me as he's unbelievably sneaky. His father thinks he's a perfectly normal child amd has always dissagreed with the doctor and is the reason he wasnt diagnosed until 8 years old despite doctors mentioning it when he was 3. Other people in my family have subtlety warned me that they think im 'unsafe' and that he will 'turn on me' so it definitely seems people are starting to see it.
This week he opened up to me saying all he thinks about and wants to do is hurt me and his disabled brother (5). Says he looks in the mirror and imagines all these different ways to hurt us, and one day he might kill his brother. I asked him if he thinks he will hurt us badly one day, and he said he definitely will, and he will probably kill us. Oh my gosh. To put things into perspective he is a head taller then I am along with well and truly stronger then me, so yes this is definitely something he's physically capable of. He did also mention he wanted to change. He has a very sweet and caring side and genuinely lovely, hes good with every other kid but for whatever reason it seems to be me and the brother he has this twisted view on. It's not a jealousy thing however, as he was this way for 5 years before his brother was even born. There's other issues too - he doesn't like me going to work- so I have next to no super. I studied- even got into dentistry! Which he made me quit. Now it's easy to say why is he making you when your the parent? I'm on my own- he is violent, and I am scared.
I have primary care, he tried staying at his dads but that didn't work out, he would come over every weekend and absolutely scream his lungs out at me because he wanted to play his video games at his dads. His father isn't wanting this parenting arrangement to change despite me saying my little one isn't Safe. We don't have any legal agreements as we are very amicable. This is 100% not a post to bash his dad, hes an awesome dude most of the time, just has his head in the sand when it comes to his son. I dont think he will see that there is an issue until I end up stabbed in hospital by my own baby
Doctors cant help me, iv been calling psychologists, social workers etc but they never have any availability, along with costing a fortune. Boarding schools cost over $1000 a week which as a part time worker and carers payment I cant afford without serious sacrifices such as living on 2 minute noodles (which I'm happy to make) his dad won't pay but he had said I can at least look into it. Problem is they have no availability (SEQ) also im not sure if they can take autistic children? Despite him being relativily normal with everyone else, it's still technically a medical diagnosis? Please correct me if I'm wrong as im desperate!
2 years ago I took the kids in a van around australia, it was the only time that he settled down- he was an entirely different child! Like chalk and cheese. Maybe a combination of no school and no video games? (Just to be clear I don't have video games in my house at all as they absolutely 100% set him off. His dads house has unlimited access to internet and games. I cannot control how his father parents him so please no suggestions on telling him to stop. Iv tried. Im quite prepared to homeschool him amd travel as I find it does help him however again, dad says no.
13yr old has never really had friends, he's always been the 'strange kid in trouble' but has finally started to make some friends. He's so handsome and sweet and caring but this violent dark side is coming out more and more, I cannot look after a child who is threatening to kill us when im constantly roadblocked for every suggestion I make to try to get him better. So the point in this whole massive long post (sorry, and thanks for reading this far) is what would you do? What opinions do I have? Iv seen the doctor for myself to get anxiety medication, I already take self defence classes, iv enrolled him into sports to burn off his energy etc. But now what? I'm at breaking point. Am I raising the next dexter Morgan?
It seems like many people associate autism with the quiet but particular kids. No one seems to understand sometimes it's related to outright violence, which in this particular case, it is. Both my kids have various autism diagnosis, but they are very different people. I have tried all sorts of disciplines, nothing works.
I need help. I'm at the end of my rope and I dont want to even be alive anymore. I'm not depressed in anyway, I'm a very happy person. I'm just so sick of feeling unsafe and no one seeing there's a problem. I feel like im just waiting around for my eventual violent assault that I may or may not even survive.
25 Replies
No you are not raising the next serial killer. Your son is struggling to cope with the demands of school, two very different parenting styles, and an inability to express that he isn’t coping in appropriate ways.
I’m assuming you have him on wait lists for a psychologist at least somewhere.
I’d personally take data on when his behaviour is better. I think you’ll find he was great when you were travelling because there was less over all demands on him to fit in a regular schooling etc, consistent parenting etc.
What’s he like in the summer holidays? Does behaviour decrease again?
Is he on the NDIS? To help mitigate costs of future appointments?
None of these things are avid fixes, I know. My own son is autistic and was for a time (teenage years and puberty sucked) was violent. He’s not in the slightest bit violent now as an adult.
Hes been violent for 10 years. It not a phase. No NDIS they don't cover autism we have tried 3 times. No he isn't better during school holidays. The only time he was better was when he had no access to video games. I cant control what he does at his dads. The doctors have told his father not to play games but he doesn't listen. The games is the only issue we have with parenting we are on the same page with everything else in terms of how we interact with him. He just doesn't believe in autism
NDIS does cover autism, in fact a large % of ASD kids are covered.
You’ll likely find they need additional information, if you haven’t already done so get a functional capacity assessment done by an OT and perhaps an ADOS assessment. If you’re seeing a paediatrician then once the ADOS assessment is done get the paediatrician to give you an ASD Level.
ASD 2 and 3 are automatically qualifiers for NDIS, while a level 1 requires more supporting documents to access and be approved for funding.
I used to complete Autism Assessments and they do qualify for NDIS depending on severity. Get in touch with a plan manager who will fight for you, may have to revisit severity of diagnosis and if there are not other diagnoses. Sometimes schools will allow access to their school Psych/Counsellor and they are a great resource for what is available in your area. Respite through NDIS immediately sounds like something that would benefit you all. In the interim if it is escalating, I would suggest your local Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service and emphasising he's a serious risk otherwise they will not see him. NDIS, Psychologist and possibly Child Psychiatrist. There are also programs and support from places like Westmead. I am not sure if there is something closer to your area. Hope something here is helpful x
Has his dad actually witnessed him screaming & being violent towards you? Can you call him for help when you're son's going ballistic? Maybe if he saw if for himself he'd start to take it seriously.
I don't understand why you say doctors can't help you. They can give him psych referrals, including emergency referrals, and as you say he's been medicated before, he needs to be back on it, and maybe they need to look at other mental health issues as well.
What does his carer say about it? She may have contacts / other programs to suggest for him?
what carer? No I'm his primary carer, he has no other NDIS etc. As for doctors they have referred us to places but the wait list is long. I cant give him his medication during the week if his father wont during the weekend that would be so hard on him. His father has seen some of it, he just doesnt seem to believe their is issues and he lives too far away to get immediate help.
Yesssss...give him the medication during the week.
Lots of people don’t medicate on weekends.
We were told we had to be consistent with it. His dad says I give him the meds to 'make her life easier'. but if that's the case I'd definitely just do them during the week!
Gosh, definitely check with his doctor first, depends what he’s on.
Sorry, I thought I read in there he had a school aide. Blame covid brain 😂
You absolutely can give him meds through the week. My ADHD partner takes his meds on work days but not days off. I would send him to his Dad's with exactly the amount of meds he needs for the weekend (too small an amount for an overdose) and write him out clear instructions on when to take them. Set a timer on his phone, if he has one. And tell the dad you're sending them and ask him to make sure he takes them.
If he doesn't, it's probably no harm done - but check with the doc about that.
I would suggest you call DOCS and see if they can help with programs; your very last option would be to call police (000) when he's in the middle of a meltdown. If he starts hitting you or his brother, or smashing things up, you can definitely call police.
They likely won't do much, but it will prove to him there are consequences.
Also, my comment about the Drs - I certainly didn't mean to imply you're not seeking proper care. I was more wondering if you're downplaying it a little bit so as not to get him in trouble - a very common mothering instinct.
Film the meltdowns if you can.
Ask him again about him wanting to kill you & his brother - record it.
It will help once you manage to get into a psych. Do you have a local Headspace? Reach out to them as well, they run programs for disturbed kids too. As do Boystown. And call Parentline - they are a brilliant resource.
Live with dad . Your safety and your 5 year old just has to come first. Especially once he’s told you this, and he sees you do nothing, that’s both a green light to him that you’ll turn a blind eye, that you should be expecting it, and that no one’s ever going to do anything so he needs to raise the stakes during his rages. It’s very dangerous territory you’re in.
His dad won't take him back.
Wow what an amazing and supportive mum you are. Firstly this poor little boy is so lucky to you have as his Mumma. The lengths you are willing to go to, to get him help, shows how much you love and care for him. I can’t even begin to know how you feel watching you boy go through this and living in fear. Keep ringing around until you get a psychiatrist. If he is violent anytime please ring 000 they may take him to hospital and get you in with some urgent help that way. Next time he has the outburst with threats ring 000, you can’t keep doing this alone and your ex need to step the Fark up here and help. If he won’t take him on then he needs to work with you. He needs to aknowledge it and stop denying it. Stay strong Mumma, you are doing an amazing job and your little boy is lucky to you have. Keep your chin up and I hope you both get the help asap that you need 🙏🏼💖
Thank you so much for saying that, especially since others have said it's all my fault and I'm currently now in tears.
The problem is- he's been on medication for 5 years it's not working, and the whole telling me he wanted to kill us was NOT an outburst, we were having a good day and he said it in the car as a heart to heart conversion. That's what makes it so serious, it wasn't a meltdown it was a serious conversion
Stuff what the others think. Love how they all think they are the perfect parents. It’s easy for them to say but I am a realist and put myself in your position. I wouldn’t cope, it would be bloody heartbreaking for you and you should not have to do this alone. You are doing your absolute best, so don’t doubt yourself for a minute because of a few perfect parents, who think they know it all and kick you when you are already down and exhausted, shows what type of people they are. Honestly ring 000 when you get scared or so concerned about him harming anyone, I really believe it’s the only way, you will get fast tracked and support with what he needs. To speak to you and tell you what he has, there is way more to it and you have every right to be concerned for your own life and your other child’s. This is about you and your parenting. This is about your poor little boy who isn’t well. You are an amazing mum,keep fighting for the help you both need and deserve 💖
No one has said it’s your fault, or that we are perfect parents.
We were just encouraging you to get medical assistance, as your post implied your had given up on that.
Nobody said it was during an outburst. But he’s foretelling to you. You trying to find the good in the way he said it or the fact he told you is not going to help. You want to help him but you have to take this seriously, you can’t wait for it then call 000. Proactive steps here. Door locks, room searches. Paed advice. Get him on his meds.if dad doesn’t give meds he can’t go. Find out about respite care.
I very clearly stated many times we still go to every doctors appointment. Despite me saying it about 5 times some crazy just kept telling me I'd given up and was the problem. I asked for advice not to be shot down
From what you've written, it seems the main thing impacting your son's behaviour is his dad refusing to acknowledge he has autism and the video games influence his violent behaviour.
Thats so not fare on you and is undoing all your hard work. I'm not "bashing" your ex, but maybe work on getting through to him that you need to be on the same page!
But also, call 000 next time your son starts attacking you violently. If you can, film it on your phone, show the doctors and his dad.
Keep trying with NDIS..they definitely do cover austism. Reach out on autism groups on facebook for help on accessing funding.
Perhaps it is time to look at parenting orders. Dad while apparently an "awesome dude" is blocking your ability to effectively parent your child. The courts can force him to do all these things he currently isn't doing. Like medicate, help cover costs, and spend more time. You need to stop playing the good guy and get some support. In the long run, consistency in both homes will benefit your childs mental health. And yours.
Stuff what dad thinks and medicate him him daily, he isn’t the one dealing with it. Great job mum for reaching out 💕
Drop him off at Dad's and don't pick him up. His father needs to step up. You can't do it on your own. He needs help and needs those meds and since his father won't medicate him then he has to step up and deal with the fall out. You need a safe space for you and your other child. It's ok to send to Dad and not take back because it's what you need. Take it from a mumma of a teen with rad. Violence is not ok because (a) they have a condition and (b) they're children. Definitely look into the further information ndis need as asd is definitely covered. Good luck mumma. Definitely get yourself some counselling as well. You need a safe person to talk to for your own well-being. Trust me on that one x
Ask your paediatrician for an assessment for conduct disorder.
And get your GP to do a mental health care plan up for you. This will lower the cost of psychologists.
Do you have access to NDIS? If not, apply. Autism spectrum disorder qualifies. Use that for psychiatrists.
Do whatever you can to help your son. I’m glad he can see he’s not ok, but he can’t fix it himself.
Dad is a dipshit. He refuses to let him live with him but dictates if the child is medicated the majority of the time and against doctor recommendation. Frankly dad can suck it. Either he steps up or steps off. Dad is getting the easy end of the arrangement while you are in fear of your life. Stuff that.
Medicate your son. Tell your ex that either takes him to live or you give him medication. Dad doesn't get to control everything and ignore the violence. Same with schooling Dad says no but offers no solution and expects you to just get assaulted. That is bullshit. I am so angry for you.
The next time your son gets violent get yourself and your little one into a safe room and call the police. I'm sorry to say that but you really have exhausted all avenues at this point. You need help and the police are there to help in these situations.
On a side note look into Pathological Demand Avoidance and Reactive Attachment Disorder. It sounds to me that your son could possibly have either of these.
Parenting a child with special needs is a whole different type of hard, heartbreaking and exhausting. I am right there with you and I promise you that you are doing a good job. You are a good Mum. The song The Life that's chosen me by Karen Taylor-Good is my go to when I need a reminder that we are not alone ans that we are all doing our best in a shitty situation. All my love and best wishes to your family ox
After reading your update via a lady on the Facebook thread.
I know you are doing all you can. I know you are not passing the buck. I know you are a good Mum otherwise you wouldn't be asking for help. People don't understand how hard this situation is unless they have lived it. I've lived it.... and evey now and then we still go through it with our special needs son. But they are just trying to help. We get so defensive because people don't understand just how many things we have tried to do, how many services we have begged to access, how many times we have cried and hoped that help would arrive while knowing it isn't coming. How many times we have had to pick ourselves up when our heart is breaking and be strong. Damn I'm tired of being strong... I get it, I really do. I am racking my brains trying to come up with options for you... I haven't got much but;
You need to start recording the outbursts. Even if it's just the audio (video is better as long as it is safe to do so). That way you can show the doctors and his dad. The doctor saying there is nothing they can do because he has "only" threatened others is a lie. That doctor is just being lazy and can't be bothered to help you. Sorry to say that. That makes me angry for you.
You can call the local police station and ask for help. Tell them your situation and ask them if they know of any emergency services you can access.
Call DOCS and speak to them. They are also there to help.
I truly hope you find something that helps you all.