What's wrong with me.....I had a double mastectomy in August. I thought I'd come round with feelings of relief and joy. Instead in the lowest I've ever been, dare I say suicidal. I feel like I'm giving nobody and nothing my best anymore. I didn't even have cancer. I feel like I'm an absolute waste of space feeling sp sorry for myself. Can't tell you what about but I'm not me anymore. I've had 9 ops in 10 years. I've lived each year like i can't plan beyond it and now I feel like I don't understand my experience or existence. I've never felt so low. If I was brave enough I'd be gone tomorrow. But I'm not. I feel like I want to be but my babies, just my babies. They deserve more. So so so much more. I wrote note but I'm a coward. I don't want to be here anymore feeling like this but I don't want to hurt my babies. I'm an absolute failure.
11 Replies
Forget that you didn't even have cancer. You've been through a lot, and the boobs are gone to PREVENT it. On its own the double mastectomy is still a massive thing to have gone through and it creates its own series of mental health struggles. Of course you haven't been able to plan in advance, your life has been on hold waiting for this to finally be done. You're not not you anymore, you've just been forgotten on a back burner and likely after such a traumatic time you're feeling like your priorities have changed but without the freedom to explore those you just find yourself now seeming a bit lost.
Do you have a mental health plan? If not, see a GP you trust and ask for one.
Surround yourself with a network of supportive people. It can be family, friends, therapists or even other women from a mastectomy support group. If you're feeling isolated join some online groups for company. Especially some with shared interests or hobby specific.
Now the surgery is over, work on your mental health, remember your babies don't just need you now but need you forever and for both their and your own benefit you deserve to be the best version of you.
Get your head sorted, the rest WILL follow.
You have been on a roller coaster, and a double mastectomy is a big deal.
I’m glad you are holding on for your babies, but you are going to need some help to keep you holding on. Make a long Telehealth appointment with a GP and tell them how you are feeling.
You can also reach out to lifeline 13 11 14, they also have a chat service lifeline.org.au
Beyond blue beyondblue.org
In Adelaide there is the Urgent Mental Health Care Centre is in 215 Grenfell Street, Adelaide. 8448 9100, it’s a non hospital setting, more like a lounge room feel.
I have been where you are, so depressed that I made plans. I’m not there now, and so glad I sort treatment.
You are not a coward because you can’t kill yourself. Being suicidal and unable to kill yourself is really tough. I’ve been there before too. Please seek out a good psych, even just talk to your GP and get on some mood stabilisers.
Your babies do not deserve better, they deserve their beautiful mum. You’re having a rough time, and you need to step back and see how much you have survived.
A saying i love is “you’ve survived all the worst days you’ve had” you’re surviving, now you need to find how to live.
Small things like getting your hair washed and blow dried by a professional, a mani and pedi, a massage all these little things can do so much for your mental health. They may only be temporary, but you will feel that you can be happy.
If your house is a mess, pay someone to clean, or ask family and friends to assist you. A clean house is one of the biggest contributors to feeling crap and being unable to shift it. These are all small, at the end of the day, you need to seek therapy and medication to stabilise you.
Please look after yourself 💜
You are amazing and so much braver and stronger than any of us who have never been through what you have. Your babies need you. Your babies think you are an amazing mum and one strong awesome role model for them. They need you. You need to seek some professional help and focus on your beautiful kids. Spend time with them enjoying each day together. You don’t realise how amazing you are. Join some support groups on fb, so you don’t feel alone. Keep reaching out on here if need be.post anytime you like , we are here for you. Things will get better. Don’t listen to the things you tell yourself when you are down. Tell yourself, I am awesome, I am brave , I will do this. Each time a negative pops in to your head, tell yourself 100 positives. Write things down. Give your babies massive hugs and hold them tight. Keep fighting for you and your beautiful babies.
These feelings are temporary and you will get past it. You need to ring beyond blue or life line and seek help. Your kids need you. Everyone needs you!
I had one simple op recently and I was such a sook.
I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been through, you’re a bloody hero, a warrior.
I’m sure most would feel low, given everything you’ve been through.
See your gp, because you are so worth it ❤️
You have this wrong. What your kids deserve is you! You are their everything. You are their brave and courageous warrior! You are their mum and nothing means More to them than you. Just remember that. They need you every single day.
This is a really normal reaction. But people that work through it end up happy just like you expected to be. I have seen it through my job and with family and friends. You don't have to be strong or resilient. You just need to ask for help.
Ring lifeline or see your gp ASAP!! If you have a partner or family tell them how you are feeling. You need to be supported and need some help. It’s not normal to feel this way.
I have been there, really feel for you and what you are going through. You may feel like you are alone, but you don't have to be. Start reaching out to people for support. Your doctor would be the first, get a referral to a psychologist. I have been on anti depressant medication many times and I highly recommend it if you are at the stage of feeling suicidal. It will help you get some good chemicals back into your brain. Take it easy on yourself. You have been through so much and you deserve compassion and self compassion. Search for Kristen Neff online she has some great videos on how to build self compassion.
I'm so glad you wrote in, that takes courage ❤
It sounds like you are in a world of pain right now. You feelings are completely valid. I urge and beg you to reach out to one of the many resources people have suggested.
Just like going to the doctor for any physical problems sometimes we require medical help for how we are feeling.