Me and this guy met online and have been speaking for 5 months, every single day, didn't meet sooner due to COVID and we live interstate. We were both on the same page about long distance and he was open to moving when the time came if things took off. Things were a dream, we were everything we wanted in a partner (still are)etc have a great connection, well did on the phone and messages etc. We knew that even though we saw photos and videos or eachother, we may seem different in person.
Long story short, he visited me for a weekend. He was different to what I expected but I still found him attractive, more so his personality. I could tell something was a bit off..
When he returned home he was still acting his normal self towards me but I just had this gut feeling something was up.
I got it out of him and he admitted to me that he didn't feel that strong connection with me that he thought there would be, I mean we were practically starting to act like we were in a relationship before we met, speaking every day for months and months and the things we spoke about.
And wait for it... You are all going to lose your shit over this... but please understand I asked to be told the truth and this is exactly what this guy did and even though it's superficial and hard to hear, how can I be upset at someone for being so honest and something their brain can't help!
He admitted that it was when we got intimate that he lost attraction to me, because he wasn't that into my body but also because of my scars. He knows how messed up this sounds and was so apologetic. I know many women would be like he could of lied but I wanted to know what it was that did this.. it took ages to get out of him and he said once he tells me he would feel so ashamed to speak to me again.
I mean I was disappointed and shocked but it didn't really make me feel too bad about myself because I know I am somewhat comfortable with my body, I do work out and toning up, I'm a size 10 not that this even matters and i know I have an attractive face, I really don't mean to be vain, I guess I'm going by being told so from people.
He said he didn't have the courage to tell me that he wasn't 100% attracted to me but continued to go on as normal as he wants to make this work, he doesn't want to end things and wants us to work on us and would be so happy if things work out. He wants to see if something can develop and he said he really doesn't want to waste my time as theres no guarantee but I agreed this could go both ways. I feel ok to explore this as long distance suits me right now.
To be honest the weekend wasn't that great and I feel like this also impacted our time together and the energy. I admit I didn't feel the same connection I thought there would be when I saw him but there's definitely something there worth exploring.
He really is great and I enjoy having him in my life and he has treated me so well and still does. He is very respectful and so understanding of my feelings and emotions and soooooo patient with me. I tend to overthink and I admit I could be a bit annoying with that.
Anyway I'm going to his city this weekend and staying with him, he rang me today after our heavy talk last night just for a general chat and said he is really looking forward to me coming over for the weekend and that we are going to go out and have fun and just hang out. He asked if it was still ok if he calls me bub. The way he was talking was like he isn't going anywhere, we are still together and we are going to work on this. I feel that we were talking for so long that there was this huge expectation to be sparks and there wasn't and it then put so much pressure on things.. I mean generally people talk for a little but then catch up and feelings start to grow where as this is all backwards.
Maybe meeting 2nd time round in a different environment may be different? When we spoke about being intimate before we met,we both said whatever happens happens and he than thought about it and said maybe we should wait, that he's happy to take things slow and just spend time with me .. but then yehhhhh..it just happened and I wish we waited so we could have developed our physical connection on top of our emotional connection and given it the chance it deserved
I also want to note he is super conscience of his pigmentation and hairline. But he definitely isn't a vain person which is why I am so surprised he is bothered by my scars etc. Is there like a phobia or something with this I do know how shit this sounds but he really is a great guy.
Just looking for fresh eyes from those on the outside, please be gentle and kind.
Edit* the scars are my c section scar and fresh scars from recent breast surgery.. when we were intimate, he apologised and said he couldn't and had to turn away from me and was so upset, at the time I thought this was because he was home sick but now I know it because he probably felt so terrible for thinking the way he was.
18 Replies
What kind of scars? Keloid scars? Burn scars? Surgical scars? Acne scars? Honestly, I find the type and location of scars can result in people thinking the scars are sexy, being unfussed, or feeling really uncomfortable. Do they gross him out or make him upset because he wants to protect you?
My husband has this insanely small scar that is really hard to see. But when I do notice it, I feel physically ill because I remember almost losing him because of the cancer they cut out via keyhole surgery. He has lots of other scars from being tough, adventurous or silly that I love.
Ultimately, scars are no different to any other physical attribute though. Someone can be unattractive to you because if their size. Another person of similar size might be very attractive because you love their personality and don't think about their size and never will.
Give him time to meld his imagination of you with the reality of you. He'll either realise you're the person he fell for or that he was in love with an idea, not you. And you could realise either option too.
Thank you so much for this beautiful response. It was perfect.
I should include this in my post.
But it was my c section scar (which he said how horrible it was for him to say it bothered him because I have two beautiful babies which he doesn't have an issue I have littles ones)
And also my fresh scars on my breasts from a breast lift.
The first time we were intimate he got very enotional and had to turn away from me and got so upset, now I know it's probably because he felt so awful that it put him off ..
They're also long, deep cuts. So more redness in the scars than others. Thus, they look painful and that can be distressing. They'll fade over time. Significantly actually, unless you have keloid scars. His reaction could very well be empathy and he doesn't even realise it because he's surprised and angry at himself for his reaction. Use a light powder to reduce their severity. Make them less confronting [don't show him you're doing that or try to hide them completely]. Just give him time to become accustomed and stopped noticing them so much. Then you both have a chance to decide if you really are good for each other without letting these things sway opinions more than they will over time. I think his reaction shows he's not controlling or awful, so give him a chance to figure it all out.
Thank you, this is a great response.
Even though he was a little hot and cold, he has been very much direct in making an effort and trying to make this work and keeping everything normal. It doesn't really feel forced. Like today he was trying to keep everything positive and as how things have always been between us.
I'm hoping this weekend goes well and we get a better idea.. he seems genuine when he says he wants to continue building on it and seeing each other thereafter to continue what we have and has agreed we shouldn't give up on one another. I can't think of any motive why he would continue this if he wasn't interested unless I'm really missing something here.
Time will tell I suppose how it will all pan out
Best of luck.
I think when you spend so long talking to someone intimately you create this image of what they are in real life, then when you meet and see that they aren't the person you imagined it can be a bit of a let down. It seems you both have done this. Even still, he should not have mentioned your scars that's pretty crappy of him considering that's something you can't change and will now be very self concious about. I'm not sure if I would continue but see how you feel after the second weekend together and if you're still getting "confused" vibes from him then you would be better off saving time and letting him fly away!
Thank you, this does seem to be what's happened even though I was very much open to the idea that we may be different to one another then what we imagined. But having said that, I am still keen.
He seems to be really making an effort to fight for this and to make it work. I guess I'm confused because he has been so honest but wants to continue seeing me to see where this goes and seems so commited even though he's not 100% into me. As I said in another comment, I can't think of any motive as to why he would continued this if he wasn't keen on doing so
Wtf. He said he's not into you, and you got intimate and he said outright he wasn't into it, and youre not even into him, AND you're pretty confident about yourself... So why on earth would the conclusion here be for you to try again with this guy? NO.
And my tip moving forward is to move it on from talking online fairly quickly. Video chat first to make sure they are what they say and then meet up. It's the only way to not waste your time.
I think they expected stars aligning and instead they are just finding there way. I don't think that means they're uninterested in each other by the sound of things? At least, that's how I interpreted it.
A little harsh...
We spent the weekend together...
Last night he opened up to me so this was 3 days ago we were together. I didn't sleep with him after he said he's not into me 🤦🏻♀️ i also didn't say I wasn't into him...
I said for me the connection i thought would be there wasn't but I am still interested and attracted and want to see where it goes.
We spent so long building our emotional connection that we didn't even give our physical connection a chance to grow like it deserved.
And I don't think you've read my post properly.. we couldn't meet sooner due to COVID.. the borders were shut.
Different commenter....I agree with this poster, you’re pushing something that isn’t there because you’ve invested so much time. Now you’re going to waste more time. It’s takes a lot of first dates before only one clicks, this one didn’t.
You have also built up a false sense of intimacy with a stranger because of all the online chatting but the reality is, in person, you’ve spent one weekend together. I don’t think it’s appropriate at all that you spend a weekend at a strangers house, it’s dangerous. Only real time counts, the rest is just fluff, he can put on a front and be whoever he wants.
He’s also created a dynamic at the beginning of this situation (NOT relationship) whereby you are the lesser person, vying for his affection, the whole dynamic is off.
This is more common than we realise when relationships start long distance.
Your brain fills in the blanks because you aren’t with the person so the brain makes up or imagines the details and the details rarely match reality.
Id go visit him this one time, don’t put any pressure on it. And then if nothing clicks this time, I’d cut my losses. He may just turn out to be a great long distance friend, but not a lover and that’s ok. We all need more friends.
We’re you intimate? Could it be he has some problems maintaining an erection and is embarrassed/upset.
Oof, that is so hard. I'm glad you seem to be taking it well. I personally don't think I could move on from a comment like that. I believe that would be the end of the relationship after a comment like that. It does come across a shallow and my fear is he's very focused on appearance. However, I'm not trying to say you should give up on the relationship, if you think it's worth giving more time to then that is not a bad choice at all. I personally would just take that as a red flag and tread lightly. I do get what you're saying, maybe he has a fear or what not, it just makes me very sad for you. He should love every inch of your body especially something as beautiful as a c-section scar. I used to not be the biggest fan of scars as well, but when I met my husband he had SO MANY due to having horrible cystic acne as a teen. I personally love them and have no fear of touching them. I find them beautiful because they make him, him. I hope he can grow to love them too! Best of luck♥️
I see woman commenting saying he isn't a great guy because of what he said, but to be honest I disagree. I'm sure we all have strange put offs.
I wish I had your confidence, I think if a guy said that to me it would shatter my confidence, and I hate that about myself!! I wish my worth was based on what I thought of myself, not what others thought. So kudos to you!
I think there's no harm in trying, I think attraction can grow for sure! I agree with other people when they say things can be so different in person. It might be a case of spending enough time together that you both feel more comfortable.
All the best!
It shouldn’t be this hard!
I think that he’s done this to start a control thing. He’s giving you everything you want, but then taking something small to make you feel insecure and dependant on him and his approval.
They’re just scars- they are your story. If he doesnt want to read your story, that’s his loss- there will be plenty of other people that will want to connect with you- you sound like a lovely, caring, understanding and open person.
Sounds like his problem not yours..