I more or less just need others opinions.
Me and my 2 year old twins dad separated 2 years ago because I finally got sick of the DV. The last occurance he tried pouring a jerry can of fuel on me outside and I managed to kick him off in time..
At this point we were 2 weeks into moving interstate to his new state and I just found out he was in a relationship with another woman also newly since we had arrived.. so I ended that relationship and have been on my own since in a brand new town, no family friends or support with my ex and his new partner living up the road.
I am the main carer for my children.. I have 3. The twins dad will see them on the weekends unless he has had a busy week and needs a break so even though he is up the road he can sometimes not see them for 2 weeks.
Now my problem is. IM there 24.7, I do the Running around, I Feed clothe and do everything else a mother does.. I drop and pick the kids when it suits him because he is a good dad.
My twins HATE coming home. They kick scream cry. When they see dad they just adore him. I put in all my energy and love, I am an active mother we are ALWAYS out exploring swimming and having fun. I put them first every time! But I never get that same love affection and attention back..I also have a firm routine since birth with them, but it’s always about dad. They don’t cry for me they cry for dad. They don’t get excited for me like they do their dad, I’m not as cool as dad is you get the idea. Sometimes I get embarrassed picking them up, my neighbours have even commented they’ve heard them screaming murder when I’m trying to get them inside from their dads car. It’s really horrible I’ve cried and cried about it because it breaks my heart.. I’ve even had awful thoughts of maybe just not existing anymore, why should I force people to be around me who don’t want to be? Nobody else wants to either because I ended up single and struggling on my own, but doing it I guess.
I find myself working EXTRA hard to always be nice and careful.. I feel I can’t have a bad day with them because they’ll then hate me more, I feel I’m working extra hard to make a come back for myself and then dad sees them and I have to start again
I’ve spoken about 50/50 arrangement he can’t do it with work. He wants full custody which I know he wouldn’t get, or when it suits him.. but that doesn’t work for me i find myself having to plan my life around when it suits him! I have no idea what to do anymore but I feel like giving up.. I feel like just giving him the children because I’m just mentally exhausted and I want to be wanted by someone.
I will add we have a very loving fun relationship. We tell each other we love each other back and forth, we kiss and cuddle and they both end up in my bed at night. But they definitely prefer dad.
I say ‘mums babies’ and they say no.. it hurts so badly :( sorry I just needed to get that out
14 Replies
Part of parenting is having your children hate you on and off. My son actually loves and hates his father. I know he likes his father and enjoys spending time with him but other times he says he hates him and never says "I love you" to him. Sometimes he says he hates me too because I parent him. Kids hate to be told what to do. But in the end loving them unconditional means they don't have to say it back. I don't think your twins hate you. I think they probably like it better at dads so they are putting their disappointment onto you. I suggest seeking help for bonding and working on relationships outside of home. Friends or a boyfriend. We unfortunately can't always expect love from our kids no matter how much we love them. Next time your kids say they hate you ignore it and remind them you still love them. Throws them off because they aren't getting the reaction they wanted.
This is the absolute shit thing about co-parenting with a loser. If they did a proper job they wouldn't do this shit. Kids fill in blanks with amazingness, so it's really easy to be super fun for a weekend and have the kids little hearts thinking you're amazing and yearning for more.
It's that old saying that it's thankless, and they won't get it probably until they're parents themselves, but doing it with a wanker who also makes it harder on you and wouldn't hesitate to turn them, just makes it a million times worse.
You should definitely seek Dv support and work out about moving back to your support network. And sort out proper custody, document every time he breaches it, so you can eventually cut it down even more (that's if dv doesn't suggest you go for full right away). From someone that's been through it all, all I'll say is it drags onand on and fucking on, instead of thinking you're handling him/it the best it can be, you need to sort it all out so that you are not in contact with him and he is being held accountable.
Also, by the way, you can move. It would just mean you would really need a custody order, probably school holidays, or every few months, and for it to be stuck to, to plan for travel. Which also, works out for your benefit. And if he can't and wouldn't take them full time/majority, do it now.
I wouldn't take it so personally. Is it possible the kids are exhausted by that time? Dad may not be sticking to a routine and filling them with sugar hence the meltdowns. Just a thought! If they are exhausted they will be upset about everything.
Awww you poor mumma. What you need to remember is that they love you. They are with you 24/7, so going to Dad is a treat. It’s nothing to do with you. You also don’t know what he is brain washing them with. He wants full custody but not 50/50 hang in there. Don’t let him dictate and don’t give up. Start being fun mum. Let some things go and have fun. Take some pressure off yourself. Us mums are always the bad ones. We are routine and rules because we have to. A weekend at dads they would get any of that. He is prob manipulating them too. Don’t let him win. Your babies need you more than you think. They always will. Never forget that and don’t listen to the things you tell yourself when you are feeling down. Relax and enjoy the time with them.
Your 2 years olds don’t prefer their dad. You think they do but they don’t. They are 2 so they wouldn’t even know this. They just don’t get to see him as much so when they need to leave they cry. They love you very much and need you very much. Don’t let him have them full time. i think you should try and move away from him.
You mention dad is a good parent. Why though? Because he spends time with them on the weekend and does fun things? That's the easy part of parenting! You do that plus everything else they need as children. Routine, discipline, stability, you make sure they're fed and healthy, you're teaching them the things they need to know to function as a healthy and happy adult in the future in society, the list of the things YOU do is endless. I can guarantee that he does none of that. He doesn't even see them if he's had a crappy week. He is not a good dad just because he 'hangs' out with them and does fun stuff on the weekends that he sees fit. All of this is why it seems like they don't like you. You are the safe and unconditional parent. You are super mum while also having to co-parent with an arse. Please know that you are doing an amazing job and that they do love and adore you. You are wanted and needed!! Lots of love and hugs to you mumma x
I agree, they don't hate you but dad is a "disney dad" full of fun and no rules. Unfortunately you have to be the bad guy with rules because you want them to grow up as decent individuals. He should not have them every weekend get to court and get a custody order sorted. He will not get majority custody as at this time he can't keep up with what you offer.
You need to start an FU binder. Record all interactions text, phone and email, tey and keep him to text or email so there is a paper trail.
The kids can't help it they don't hate you, they just like doing whatever the heck they want which will bite dad in the butt eventually. Its time to play the long game.
This is me, but my child is 7. Her dad is not nice and is manipulative but she just wants to be with him always. I get so upset because I do everything and I’m literally drained. I then feel like why do I even bother? Anything I do can’t ever compare to him. Not That I try too but I do try to hard to make sure we are always doing something fun and it’s exhausting feeling like why I even bother. So I feel you, I hope it gets better. For me I just find it’s getting harder and have had lots of tears over it (from me)
This is me, but my child is 7. Her dad is not nice and is manipulative but she just wants to be with him always. I get so upset because I do everything and I’m literally drained. I then feel like why do I even bother? Anything I do can’t ever compare to him. Not That I try too but I do try to hard to make sure we are always doing something fun and it’s exhausting feeling like why I even bother. So I feel you, I hope it gets better. For me I just find it’s getting harder and have had lots of tears over it (from me)
Stop saying he’s an amazing dad when he’s clearly not. He’s not even a good person. He’s not a great dad when he says he won’t have them because he’s had a big week at work! You’ve had a big week with the twins - why is his kid free time more important? Why are you picking up and dropping off? He can pick them up when he wants to have them and you collect when the weekend is done. Also if you only moved there for him and he cheated and left you - and that’s not even getting into the DV situation which is abhorrent - can you apply to move back home near your family and friends? Good luck but you know what - they act like that around you because your their safe place, their one constant. Dads place is like a fun holiday - I never want to leave holidays either but at the end of the day there’s no place like home.
My 9yo stepdaughter and I are very close, she tells me everything. She tells me how much she doesn't like her mum, she's begged me to let her move in, how she wants to be with her dad and I, etc etc.
Through lots of conversations, we got to the bottle of the issue - Mum is, well, mum. Her mother is a great parent who does all the right things, whereas Miss 9 has this idea that if she lived with us she'd have the relaxed lifestyle she has on her weekends here. I've had to explain to her that when Dad sees her, he only wants her to be happy, that's why they go on daddy-daughter dates, why I have so much time for her, why she gets extra attention and the rules are pretty relaxed. He only sees her fortnightly so doesn't want to push her too hard. She didn't believe me until I made her up a fake routine for what it would look like if she lived with us. Homework, clean her room, household chores, etc. Now she understands the difference.
Kids see the weekend parent as the "more fun" parent. They get spoiled and think that life with them will be like that all the time. The fact that your kids think life with you is dull is a sign you're doing the right thing and giving them the right structure and boundaries.
Let me guess, the kids are perfectly behaved when they're with Dad? Reported by him? This is attachment. Kids learn about who is safe to show these behaviours to and who is not. They've probably been groomed by Dad to say No to any love you try to give to them verbally. Your kids know that they can scream the house down when they are with you because it's safe. They know that you won't do anything to hurt them. When they go to Dad's, they don't know how far they can push, so they likely hold it together for when they're home safe and sound with Mum. My kids used to be okay at their Dad's house and when I picked them up from there, they would physically fight each other in the shops on my way home. Please read up on attachment. Your kids need you here more than you can even imagine. x
Oh hun... Had to respond because I can feel your pain!
When I went through something similar, I remember my psychologist told me that it's so normal for children to act out for the one person who they know is unconditional, who will never ever leave them. But they are different to those who are a flight risk.
Whenever you feel down on yourself, just remember that in their small, developing little brains, YOU are the one person, their safe haven, their forever... and so it's a safe place for them to be unkind sometimes. They know you'll always have their back.
Keep on going x