Husband

Anonymous

Husband

Please don’t post to Facebook. Just needed a vent.

I honestly feel like some days I can’t take it anymore.
This is more of a vent than anything.

But my husband is so fucking miserable that I just can’t take it anymore.
And I’m an asshole because he struggles with severe depression.
But i just feel like I can’t do it anymore.
3 weeks he’s been on this down and It just sucks.
After 15 years the healthiest way for us to get through it is I just go on my way and live and do my thing till he comes out of it. We don’t talk much, but then toward the end he starts to get offended at me for being “cold”. Well mate you haven’t said a fucking word to me for 3 weeks. And on the off time you choose to say hello to me when I’m in the middle of dinner, got one kid in the shower the other kid on the kitchen bench doing their sight words with me the dog waiting to be fed and the kids lunch’s being packed so I’m literally do 4 things at once with 3/4 things on the wait list and he’s offended I didn’t jump to his first hello in weeks.

I understand his depression. Truely I do. I use to be far more sensitive to it. But there’s literally no difference in him no matter how I act when he’s on a down so for me and myself I have to tackle it as in a leave him to himself and sort himself out and wait for him to come good. It’s been my self preservation and the kids too so that I stay the patient, kind Mum I am rather than snappy and quick tempered when I invest in my husbands downs.

And again I know this isn’t what depression is, but as I said I need to vent, but we literally have the perfect fucking life.
I inherited 5 million dollars.
So we live in a stunning mortgage free home with a fair few rental properties. Our kids are set for life.
We are planning to retire at 42 /44 when our youngest turns about 18.
I own a very successful business that I only work around 15-20 hours a week on.

I pay for everything.

The only reason he works is his pride and he doesn’t wanna be a stay at home dad.
So he works part time for basically his own pocket money.
And he still fucking complains about our life.
Complains if we have a tight money month. Complains if he can’t surf when it’s firing cos he’s working.
Complains I have no idea how hard it is to get the boys in the car in the morning (mind you before I leave for work the boys are either completely ready, minus breakfast and teeth. Or he has to get tell them to get dressed (they are great kids when it comes to this) make their breakfast and remind them to do their teeth (they are terrible kids with their teeth lol)
Every morning I work our kids teeth are not brushed.

You could literally give him the world and it’s not good enough.
Iv given him the fucking world and it’s not good enough.
Every single good thing in his life I have brought to it and his life is so easy and chill because of me.

And he’s just not happy.

I’m sure this vent makes me sound horrible.
These are honestly words I’d never verbalise to him like this he would feel even worse.

I just needed to let it out.
It’s just so fucking exhausting being with someone who’s life will never be happy.
I’d leave but I love the guy too much.
It’s just so hard being with someone who can’t be happy. Especially when he’s been given a golden ticket in life. We won every lottery in life there is.
Both our kids are extremely healthy, top of their class academically, great athletes, really good looking kids, and honestly two of the nicest most polite and respectful kids. So emotionally mature and the kindest boys. They are both so easy in so many ways. His in-laws - my parents, are gems of human beings. (His upbringing was messy to say the least) money is zero issue. And if we ever had a money issue my parents are extremely wealthy and would be a backstop if it ever came to that.

There is not a single thing in our life that is hard work.

I’m sorry
I know I sound so pretentious and like an asshole.
I’m really not. Just given context.

I don’t even know why I wrote in.
I just reach my breaking point with him sometimes. I go from being mad at the depression and what he has to go through, then weeks and weeks of him just ignoring me and honestly sounding like eyore any time he does say a word to me, that I just end up mad at him.

23 Replies

Anonymous

Sorry you have 5 million and a successful company and a all these paid off properties and you don't surf when it's sunny, you're stressed making lunches and doin school runs. Jesus, you guys are wasting it. Pay people to do the shit jobs and start living. People dream to have the opportunities you have and he's right, you're wasting them. Working for pride and pocket money?? A tight money month??? No change it all

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Anonymous

We haven’t wasted it at all.
I wouldn’t pay someone to make me kids dinner and their lunches lol. Doesn’t matter how well off you are if your mumming to your kids there’s going to be busy moments lol.
He’s never said we wasted it ? We’ve multiplied it and set our kids up for life. But to pay for our day to day expenses, support his mum, 2 sisters, niece and nephew in another country, yes we still work for our day to day expenses. We travel frequently and all over including his home on the other side of the world, so with 2 kids 5 family members, and day to day living and bills for numerous properties, yes we still need to work hard. And in 10 years everyone will be 100% taken care of for the rest of their lives. And all we have to do is. Work part time for 10 years -me in a job I LOVE that serves my community.
But we have day to day bills.
And this past year we were pretty affected by COVID and had some HUGE unexpected bills. So yes sometimes we still have tighter money months.

That’s part of my irritation, we have it so good. And he still just gets lost in this depression fog. I can deal for a while but when it goes on over a month or two it just starts to exhaust me. When we’ve no reason to be bothered, but I logically get that’s not how depression works.

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Anonymous

It sounds like you're very happy because you've set it all up to meet your values. If it was me, 100% I would pay someone to do the shitty parenting parts. And I'd be more upset I think if it was at my fingertips like that than I am now as I just have to do it.
He sounds very very unhappy. And maybe you're right, maybe he is just ungrateful and will never be happy, maybe it's the depression but from my experience depression comes from somewhere and I think he actually is unhappy but obviously it's hard to get your head around what to really do, walk away from it all? At the end, living aligned to your values bring happiness/fulfilment. That's what he needs to do. I know life's too short to be stressed and live in an unhappy home.

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Anonymous

5M would be gone so quickly if they didn't work for pocket money. Missing good surf 1 day is unimportant. The thing that strikes me is that I see so many people with wealth separate and then they're miserable. Talk openly with your husband. He might not take it on board, but if he does, that's best case scenario

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Anonymous

It's really not unimportant to him. He's saying you've got all this but not doing what makes him happy. I'm sure he doesn't mean every time. But working for pocket money is soul destroying. You have to work for meaning.

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Anonymous

Yes I agree!! But he has nothing he wants to do for work!! He has nothing he is passionate about. Even iv tried murmurous times to push him to surf related things but he says no it would ruin it to take money out of it.
I nearly even bought a bloody surf resort and we’d run that. But for a specific reason we chose against it.
Still considering it but it will take him away for months at a time.

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Anonymous

Yes I wasn’t going to say it but yes 5 million can be squandered very fast if you just put you’re feet up. We’re hustling to turn it to income producing the rest of our lives.
Iv seen one family member already run out of it. And they’ve just got a paid off house pretty much that still has rates electricity water breakages to pay for.

This was a problem long before the money lol. So I don’t think it makes any difference to the problem on his end. More my end because we are just so lucky 500 times over.

He does struggle with guilt over his family though, but then I am like but they benefit from you living this life! He feels guilty about the money sometimes I think, so that’s the only way it affects him. But he was affected before the inheritance.
It more the feeling he “left his family behind”

And the surf thing is extremely important. Any surfers wife will tell you that. Lol. He just takes it to the next level.
And surf is absolutely part of managing his depression. If he’s surfing well and getting good waves he’s in a great head space.
Running use to do well for him too but he can’t with his back.
I can sympathise with the surf I have other passions though so don’t get as bogged by no surf. That being said I rarely miss great surf. But it’s depressing for people who don’t suffer depression to miss good swell. It’s not there all the time.
Sometimes only twice a year it is absolutely perfect. It good a lot of the year but it’s those perfect days where you just surf till you’re arms fall off, glassy 6-8 ft barrels, waves to the horizon. That doesn’t happen frequently. You might only get 40 times in a life time to surf your home break perfect.
That part I kinda have sympathy for lol.
But it tail spins him into deeper shit.

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Anonymous

For those that took from the comment "do nothing, surf all day and blow it all" read again

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Anonymous

Ah then he needs to work for money, keep his hobby separate. But it needs to be something he enjoys, something to set him up. But again, as long as you're open to supporting him with his ideas then you can't micromanage him. Finding happiness is his own task. Bringing unhappiness to you is not ok though, that's where you need to make your decisions. As I said it all comes down to living aligned to your values, and I have a feeling he'll be ok or better eventually living out of this situation.

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Anonymous

Yes it's a bummer to miss perfect surf, but like you said, that isn't super common. Sounds like he whinges about working instead of surfing a lot more than that. If he's working for play money and doesn't love his job, he could move into a role that gives him flexibility of hours. Lots of people love surfing and manage to hold down careers. Surely he can find a part time job and make it work. Missing out on something that you love occasionally because of another priority is something even kids need to deal with. Will not having play money also impact on his depression? If so, he needs perspective.

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Anonymous

You don't mention what he's done to deal with this issue.
GP?
Psychologist?
Medication?

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Anonymous

All of the above.
... he’s gotten much better over the years actually trying to work through it and actively seeking therapies..
I kinda know what set him down this particular rabbit hole. But still.
He’s currently managing with exercise, breath work, and cbd oil for his back which can be a source of sending him over.
I actually just thought I should try journaling when I get like this because I feel remarkably better just getting that out

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Anonymous

Sounds like a great option.

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Anonymous

I may be wayyyyy off but could he possibly feel that given this amazing money gift and safety for life he’s lost abit of purpose?
It’s stupid but I’ve met so many men who find their value in “providing for their family” and feeling needed and like without them things would fall apart.?

Otherwise I’m lost, I couldn’t be as patient as you! He needs help or to move on. You have an amazing dream set up and he can’t enjoy it- you deserve to enjoy it even if he can’t. Don’t let him drag you through life like this forever xx

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Anonymous

It’s a HUGE part of it.
I mean he has struggled with this heavy depression since he was 13/14 so it’s been there.

But he has said so many times he has no purpose, I don’t need him for anything ect (I was the breadwinner even before the inheritance, iv always owned my own business and done well. Our first home was through my job mainly. There was only a small time of about a year and a half he was the breadwinner BUT he was miserable cos he had to work Monday-Friday 5-5.

And I know non surfers don’t get this but missing big swell cos of work is hard to live with a surfer if they can’t surf them.
All my friends have the same problem, same if the surf is flat for too long.
But with him it compounds the depression.

He absolutely has confidence issues and lack of purpose with me being the bread winner.
Iv tried to say “hey listen you’re married to someone who has a gift with money and starting businesses, let’s start one for you” iv had several great idea that I know will make 60k plus a year on only 2-3 days work...
but he just can’t see it or I believe is too scared to do it or maybe just doesn’t want to have another thing “I did” even though it would be his thing I’d just apply my knowledge. To get it off the ground. He’s be flexible to work around the surf.

But he’s from a developing country so there’s some ingrained things in there. And one of them is absolutely the breadwinner and feeling a lack of purpose.
He has said a few time, you don’t need me for anything.
To which I always say so? You met me while I was travelling the world by myself. I’m never going to need you to support myself, I’m not built that way.
I need to be loved by you though. I need affection. I need emotional support. I need someone to laugh with.
But I also wouldn’t g e a shit if he never contributed financially!!! I just want him to be happy.

Iv got 3 of my close girlfriends who are breadwinners and 2 of them have similar issues.

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Anonymous

You both sound in competition with one other. You both want far too much from each other. I wouldn't be surprised if there's drug addiction issues here either.

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Anonymous

Lol if there was competition it would problem solve that area of the problem lol.
No competition between us at all.

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Anonymous

Not necessarily you, I'm more inclined to think its him who could have hidden addiction issues. You could be in for the shocking truth in time. Just something to watch for

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Anonymous

I don't have a lot of advice, however I get you. I know what you are going through.. we are in a similar situation where I am the provider/inherited the huge amounts of money.

But it is me who is depressed.. money 100% bought me happiness however I find myself overwhelmed at times.

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Anonymous

This goes to show that money doesn’t. Buy happiness but it can get him a good psychologist. He needs to seek help and maybe antidepressants. Put him in one of your rental properties to have a break. Bluff him and tell him until he seeks help and is happier for all of you to be around then he needs to live elsewhere. Be hard on him for his own good. It sounds like he has the poor me attitude but he is depressing the F out of you. Who is there for you. He is all about himself and he needs to snap out of it. Too easy to fall into the poor me trap. He is bringing you and your mood down. Live separately until he has professional help. Some people are just never happy. Go on a holiday and enjoy some things together outdoors and have some fun. Try anything new he is prob stuck in a rut.

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Anonymous

I think you are prob too nice to him. He has become self centred and it’s all about him. Get tough on him.

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Anonymous

My husbands like this except we don’t have money. He is just boring and depressing. I make the most of every situation and couldn’t care less as long as we are healthy and enjoy life. He is boring and depressing. Totally drags me down. He doesn’t find fun or positive any situation. I’m looking at him moving out he bores me and brings me down so much.

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Anonymous

Is he on drugs.? Just a thought. It’s such a drag when they are like this. Who’s there to pick you up and cheer you up. No one. Mums are expected to do so much and still carry that. Focus on your kids and get him to move out for a while.

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