How to grieve for someone who is still alive?
Long story and I’m sure to cop some back lash but I don’t care, I just want some advice.
In 2017, when my daughter was 17 and in her last year of high school, I did something foolish.
I slept with a much younger man in our small country town. He was 21. My daughter knew him. It was only once, and I know I shouldn’t have done it at all.
My daughter found out. She was teased at school, people said to her “your mum roots p platers”. This affected her studies. She moved out to live with her boyfriend and his mother as she was absolutely disgusted at me.
She hasn’t spoken to me since. I miss her so much. She rings her younger brothers on their phones on Wednesday but she never speaks to me.
I want desperately to apologise, I don’t know what I could possibly say that could help this situation.
I missed her high school graduation, her 18th, her 21st. I know I’ll probably never go to her wedding or be there when she becomes a mother herself.
One stupid mistake has cost me my entire relationship with my daughter. She has lost all respect for me and thinks I’m
disgusting.
I don’t know how to deal with the pain in my heart. I just want to have my daughter back.
I miss my daughter
I miss my daughter
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Self Care, Parenthood Guilt
49 Replies
How sad for you. Maybe you could write her a long heart felt letter, tell her how sorry you are and how much you miss her. Be very open with her and apologise. It was a mistake, he wasn’t under age and I totally understand her humiliation but it’s not worth her giving up her mum over. You were prob at a place in your life where you were lonely and needed someone or something. It might take time with her but a letter might just help her and yourself heal. Tell her how much you love her miss her and don’t stop thinking about her. You understand why she hates you and how sorry you are. Fight for your daughter and get her back in your life. She is older now and may be able to handle things better. Just remember you aren’t the first person to do this. You don’t deserve to miss out on the rest of your daughters life. Explain to her how short life is and you hope you and her can over come this together, even if it takes professional help. Please don’t stop until you get her back in your lfie. Show your emotions and be very very open to her. She needs to hear it. She would have missed you too. Such a sad situation for a silly fling.
Do you remember being 17? Having this happen would be absolutely devastating, the person you trust most in your life has just caused a massive scandal in your school and it has affected her studies. What if she had plans for uni and this shit ruined her future plans? Not to mention the crap she would have copped from everyone.
Her daughter has made her decision, hounding her will not change that. She needs her own therapy first up and needs to deal with the consequences of her actions
I have a very difficult relationship with my mother. I still speak to her (more because she's quite severely impacted by mental illness these days) but I have about as much love and connection with her as i do towards a random person walking down the street. There's also a few things the above commenter suggested that I strongly disagree with which I'll get to.
My first piece of advice - really reflect on your own behavior. Part of me wonders if this "fling" transgression is the only issue over the years or if it was more like the straw that broke the camel's back...
If my mum had've taken accountability for her actions, acknowledged and really made an effort to understand how all her choices affected me, that would have helped in terms of rebuilding our relationship.
Reach out to her one more time, don't just bleed on about how sorry you are, include whatever steps you're willing to take to rebuild your relationship. Then leave the ball in her court.
Now I'll touch on a few comments from the above poster.
"You don't deserve to miss out on the rest of your daughter's life".
"Don't stop until you get her back in your life".
I'm sorry to say it but you don't get to decide either of those things, if your daughter no longer wants you to be a part of her life, she's well within her rights to make that choice. What took place altered the trajectory of her life, that's really hard to forgive and move past. If you keep persisting when she's not ready or after she's expressed that she has no desire to reconcile, you're really just showing her you don't respect her boundaries.
You also need to prepare yourself for the possibility that even of you do reach speaking terms again, your relationship with her may never be the same.
I daresay, for now, she just needs more space. If she won't speak to you when she calls her brothers, that's a pretty good sign she's not yet ready or willing.
I do think some counselling for yourself would be a good idea though, it will help you sort through all your emotions and possibly gain some insight.
I do wish you find some peace, I also hope there's a positive outcome for both you and your daughter whatever that may look like. All the best xx
This is all truth.
I had the same points forming in my mind. I don't believe it's the only thing, and when you keep saying it, you're not taking accountability - it'll make her angrier, because nothing will be solved unless things are going to change. And let's be honest, this kind of thing doesn't just happen out of the blue.
I think the perspective you need to take is that you love and respect her and want to make some kind of relationship, with boundaries, and you're open to listening to her point of view, and let her be honest, don't interrupt, don't excuse, don't play it down or tell her she's wrong, just let her speak honestly. That'll be the first step.
I agree with this too.
I’d really look at myself and see if there is a pattern of behaviour before the 21 year old. If you don’t do that you could find your relationship with your boys damaged in the future too.
Well, I left my husband (her step father) for domestic violence 10 years ago, and had a relationship with another man (around my own age) for another few years before I broke it off with him for various reasons. Nothing else I can think of.
That's huge? How did she cope with all that? How was her relationship with you before this?
Perhaps throughout your daughter's life, she has seen you continuously making poor choices with men and sleeping with the 21 year old and her copping hell for it, was the last straw for her.
So there was her dad: what happened to him?
Her step dad: he was abusive, how did that impact her?
Then the next guy: that didn't work out either.
Then the 21 year old: she suffered from that too.
Thats really a lot in her short life. You need to take accountability even when it hasn't always felt you're at fault and acknowledge how this must have really made her feel throughout her life not knowing what the next guy you've been with would bring to her life. Each time, doesn't sound like its been positive experience.
Are you the poster who wrote in asking if you should sleep with a much younger man and most of the comments said it was a bad idea? And his mum was mad at you for it as well?
Your daughter has had her life turned upside down for something out of her control, it's time for her to take back control of this situation. You need to give her space while letting her know your door is open. You do sound really remorseful for this which is a step forward, but ultimately the decision is hers as to whether or not she wants to let you back into her life.
No, I am not that poster at all.
Don’t worry I have posted before and had these bored trolls come out. It doesn’t matter if you have or haven’t. No need to explain yourself to these bored people who obvs have nothing better to do. I find it amusing someone would spend time dissecting posts to see if it’s the same poster and to go 4 years back. I think these are the ones who need help.
Because it gives more context so we were asking so we can give more helpful responses. You say we need help but you're the one commenting the same thing on every single comment so maybe look at yourself before judging us.
Yes i was thinking this too. Same poster as the lady who slept with a younger man. The details are almost identical down to the daughter disowning her for it.
Only time wil be the healer for the daughter.
I was thinking the same and it was a few years ago too when that post was written.
Omg how bored are you people to go
Over posts like this and who cares if it was.? 🤦🏼♀️ Get a life!
How bored are you to go through comments like this and comment the same thing multiple times? Get a life!
Based on your reply below, I think you have rose coloured glasses on and really can't see the bigger picture.
You sleeping with the younger man was what broke the camels back.. there was obviously more to it.
I would say she didn't see you as a fit role model.. look at it this way:
Bio dad (?) no mention of him.
Step dad - abusive, she was SEVEN. You exposed her to a DV situation and she was at a very vulnerable age. I know you left, but the damage was done.
Another man in her life for years.. then gone.
You gave her an inconsistent life with men coming and going. She would feel hurt, anger and frustration with you - you couldn't show her what love, stability and commitment was and then you went and had to sleep with a younger man. You jeopardise her final year of schooling, potentially her career path, then instead of mending your wrong doings, you missed huge milestone events for her.
I don't know how you expect to make up for all of your wrongdoings, however firstly.. acknowledge them and actually sit down, take your glasses off and look at the bigger picture.
She needs stability, love, commitment and you have never provided her that. Put yourself aside, and put her first. Get yourself counselling prior to any contact with her, unpack everything that went on for her and then try to mend it from there. Find out what you can do, how you can repair the relationship and if you cannot, respect that and walk away. You dug your own grave and will have to lie in it if necessary for her wellbeing.
Her bio dad wanted me to abort her. We broke up and I found out shortly after I was pregnant. I got married to her step father when she was 2. She was NOT seven when I left him, she was 11. I didn’t know he was like it when I married him or I wouldn’t have. As to the other man, is it MY fault we didn’t work out?
You say you don’t know how I expect to make up for “all my wrong-doings”. Excuse me, but WHAT wrong doings?? Do you expect me to stay in a bad relationship? It’s not like I’ve had a string of men coming in and out if the house since my divorce because I have not.
I did not miss those events, she wouldn’t allow me to attend them. I wanted very much to go and had no intention of “missing” them!
I most certainly HAVE provided her with love and all the stability I could. Why is it MY fault if her father didn’t want her and her step dad ended up being a jerk?
Dug my own grave, indeed! Since when was it illegal or immoral to look for love and to try the best one can?
I know I didn’t do everything perfect but I really don’t think I’ve done something horrific here 😡
I have a son of a similar age who has wiped me from his life at present. His siblings, grandparents, friends have all told me I've done nothing wrong, but his perception is his reality. I have to accept his choices. I send him messages and tag him in things I know interest him to show him that no matter what, I still love him. I hope one day he'll swallow his pride and come back into my life. That's all I can do. I can't make him.
I struggle to understand what I did wrong? How did my parenting get it so wrong? I have other children with the same upbringing who aren't like this... But it comes down to perception vs reality. His perception is his reality. He sees the world in a particular way and is living according to that. I hope as he matures he changes his perception... It hurts. Really hurts.
Differnet commenter: it wasn't your fault your husband turned out to be abusive. Or the following relationship didn't work out either. And your entitled to find love.
But take out your feelings and place yourself in your daughter's shoes.
She wasn't wanted by her dad. Her step dad was abusive. The next guy was in and out of her life at a vulnerable stage. Then there was the 21 year old... when you put it together, its a lot. And your being offered a perspective. You want your daughter back? You need to accept she is hurting. You need to accept that from her perspective maybe you didn't always appear to get it right. You could be the most loving and supportive mum, but your daughter's feelings and pain would cast all that in a big shadow.
Just keep reaching out but don't be dismissive of her feelings. Maybe start with that you're sorry.
I do understand what you are saying and I have tried to apologise.
You literally just cannot see the bigger picture, no matter she doesn't want you in her life.
Selfish, selfish, selfish. Me, me, me.
I just don’t see how it’s all my fault.
See, there's the lack of accountability right here in your responses. You've done nothing but get defensive, make excuses and blame the men in your life when people here have tried to explain how all these negative experiences with men may have affected your daughter.
You're coming off like one of those people who say "I'm sorry but...".
There's also a difference between saying sorry/apologising and having genuine remorse. I'm honestly not getting a genuinely remorseful vibe from you and if I'm not, it's likely your daughter isn't either.
No, it's not your fault that these men turned out to be abusive or crappy partners, however these men didn't just mysteriously appear in your life by their own accord, they ended up in your life because of choices no-one else but you made. That I think is what you're not getting.
It could be really helpful for you to see a therapist to discuss your broken relationship with your daughter. Be really honest with the therapist and yourself. I know it hurts to accept you haven't always done things perfectly and choices you've made have impacted on those you love, but its more important now than ever to lean into that pain in order to move forward. Its ok to say "i really fucked up". We all do it because we are all human.
I know how uncomfortable it is to do though. I have made mistakes as a parent that have impacted on my kids. I wish I could go back and make different choices but its too late for that now. All I can do now is acknowledge it, and respect the hurt my kids feel for my choices and be remorseful and make a genuine effort to not repeat those mistakes.
I hope things improve for your family. Look deeply. Be honest. Xxx
That’s because morally speaking, I didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing I have done was illegal or bad. If my daughter had never found out there would have been no problem with me sleeping with a younger man. It’s because she did find out and was hurt that the problem occurred.
Would you say the same if I had an only fans? Or if I was a male and had slept with a younger woman?
What do you think your daughter's persepctive is? Why do you think she is this upset?
And prior to the younger man, how was your relationship?
Thats exactly right. She found out. She copped the repercussions of your choices. She probably felt really let down and humilated. But, what everyone is saying, is it is a big reaction from her to completely cut ties for so long from her mum. So people are suggesting there may be more to her feelings than just this single incident. And from tbe information you have provided people are suggesting its the history of your choices regarding the men you have brought into her life. The let downs filled her cup and the younger guy caused her cup to overflow.
Its just one persepctive though. People could be wrong with that perspective.
Maybe she had feelings for the 21 year old? Maybe thats all it is. Maybe your past relationships had zero imapact on her. Maybe its just been so long now, she doesn't know how to let go of the hurt? We/you can only assume...
Maybe you could contact her and offer her a safe space to unlease all her feelings. Tell her she can scream at you everything shes angry about and you'll take it. At least then if you have some context of what parts have upset her so deeply you'll have some idea on how you could appologise. Find a mutual party to have the conversation with? A psychologist or counsellor?
Precisely ^^
It's got nothing to do with legalities, it's about the knock on effects of your choices.
This is going to come down to your daughter's opinion. Either she feels like there's a lot more to it, so your 'im sorry BUT Im allowed to find love and I didn't do anything that bad' will not cut it.
Or this really is the only thing so you have nothing to apologise for or work on because really as much as this affected her, as a one off she's not going to cut her relationship with her mother permanently over this (unless he was her boyfriend or ex or something like that). Kids don't cut their parents on a whim. It takes a lot to break that and it is possible that whether you know it or not it was broken through all those years of dv and nonsense, I don't know though only your daughter does.
You sound just like my mother. “I did nothing” “it’s not my fault” “it’s not illegal”
Me me me.
You’re never going to get your relationship back until you realise that yes, you ARE the problem and yes you DID do things wrong.
You slept with someone who was very close to her age. That’s gross. Maybe legal yes, moral? Hardly.
When you apologise are you sincerely apologising or are you saying “I’m sorry but...”
“I’m sorry you feel that way...”
“I’m sorry you think that...”
Because that’s not apologising, that’s narcissistic victim blaming.
Selfish selfish.? Are you serious? This is a mother wanting her daughter back. There is nothing selfish about that.
Stop making excuses, YOUR ACTIONS resulted in you being excluded from those events!
Are you the poster who left your younger sons home alone and your daughter found out and was upset at you for It on top of sleeping with the much younger man?
No I’m not.
It's a really similar story then O.O other poster wrote in about 4 years ago asking if she should sleep with a younger man in a small town. Comments said NO. She did anyway. Her daughter was mad, his mum was mad. Her relationship with her daughter was strained because she was angry with her mum for leaving her young brothers home alone and now this. It is very bizarre as to how similar the stories are.
It doesn’t matter if you are. I don’t get what their point is. Who would remember details of posts 4 years ago. I find this amusing 😂
I went to school with a guy who's mum was labeled a "milf". She was young and absolutely stunning, so that attention she got was already a bit of a sore point for my mate.
She ended up sleeping with an 18 year old who didn't go to school with us but we all knew him from the area and he ran in some of our social circles, naturally he went onto brag about his sexual conquest and it became public knowledge. Kids we went to school with took great pleasure in mercilessly tormenting my mate about it, the more upset he got, the more it fueled them. Honestly, the humiliation just wrecked him. I know he ended up hating his mum for it too.
I think it's possible this was the only thing but I also think you may not realise how deeply a kid is impacted by bullying of this nature and the stress this would have added to her in what is already one of the most stressful years of a student's schooling (assuming she was in year 11/12 at the time).
I'd work on your empathy, it really seems like that's all you're lacking.
Write her a long heart felt letter and see what happens.
OMG are you the same poster from 4 years ago 😂
OMG are people serious!! Who would remember posts and details from 4 years ago 😂
Who cares if you have posted before. Ignore the bored ones.
Seek some professional help and advice. Write your daughter a letter and leave it be for now. She may just get the letter and turn up one day.
This was one of those posts that sticks out in your memory because of the details.
"My daughter cut me off because I slept with a 21 one year old from our small town" isn't a question that comes up here a lot...
People are asking if the OP is the same poster because it's kind of insane coming back here time and time again with the same question. Good advice has been given both here and previously, it makes me wonder if OP is actually willing to take any of the constructive suggestions on board or if she's just here hoping someone will tell her that the daughter is in the wrong or to blame.
Because there were added details in that post that explain more about why her daughter disowned her. It wasn't just this one thing.
I didn’t do anything that bad
OMG
You slept with a 21 year old, everyone found out and she was picked on and it wasnt just a once off it would have been constant stream of it. Not for a week or a month kids are fucking cruel and it would have kept going and going all year long. Have you accepted responsibility for making her a social pariah? You weren’t wanted at those events because it would have stirred everyone up again.
Your mum roots P-platers would not have been the only thing she had said to her and I can’t believe that you don’t accept responsibility for that poor choice.
Exactly. If that's the attitude OP has, it's no wonder her daughter has taken such a hard stance. There's just a huge lack of compassion for what her daughter would have endured at school and it sounds like it disrupted her entire final year (her grades declined, she moved out).
You and your daughter will likely never reconcile and it isn't about things you did in the past, its about who are you in the present.
Actually you may be a victim as well. Have you ever thought how inappropriate it was for everyone to be talking about your sex life? It's none of anyone else's business but your own. It's also not your fault she was bullied. People who teased her were the asshats, not you. You are being judged harshly, and really you didn't do anything illegal or wrong. I mean you can fuck whoever you want to. If it's between 2 consenting adults then what's the problem. 1 forgive yourself. 2 move away from that town with small minded people. 3 your daughter will come around when she is ready and when she grows up a bit and realizes those small minded people were not worth losing her mum over. Go to a therapist to get help to move past this. It's waaaaay past the times when people should be shaming women for having sex.
I've read your post and your comments. You seem very self centred and not taking accountability of what you actually did.
Do you remember when you were 17 and how mean kids were?
I could only imagine what she had to endure because of what you did. Surely you would have had a thought of "will this backfire in anyway" or even just a thought for your daughter?
Your daughter obviously had a very hard time dealing with something you did those many years ago. She doesn't want to talk to you.
Perhaps, speak with a therapist, take some steps to work through your issues, then write her a letter and let her know you'd love her to contact you to talk about everything and let her know you're taking steps to work through the damage you've caused.
Because, even if you can't see it. What you did was your fault, and you damaged your daughter.
I think you need therapy. I have read your comments below and you have not taken any accountability.
My bio father has the same attitude as this. I do not speak to him anymore. My life is way less toxic and I’m much more successful.
To the people saying write letters, don’t stop until she hears you.
I have asked my father to stop contacting me, he didn’t. These letters will now be used as evidence to get an order for him to stop.
I don’t want anything to do with him. He lies his way out of everything until he believes his lies. He never takes accountability for anything. He is toxic and I don’t want him around. My siblings are the same.
This is my boundary.
You stuffed up.
She made her choice.
If you’ve tried to apologise and she still wants nothing to do with you then that’s her boundary. Full Stop.
well said x