Hello sisterhood.
I'm writing from the uk. So back in 2009 my beautiful daughter was born, unfortunately the biological father became violent so violent we was forced into a women's refuge. Fast forward to 2013 we met my current partner whom she looks up to as her own father. Now I must state he's absolutely amazing and now ex military. But biological father has been to prison numerous times and now serving a sentence for manslaughter. A few weeks ago we sat my daughter down and gently explained the past not once have I bad mouthed the biological as I don't want to tarnish her mind or have her resent me from doing so. Yesterday I came home to a letter directly from the prison it was him. He's saying how he's sorry for not stepping up to being a father and seeking to have a relationship with her and wants to no my thoughts he's saying he's a changed man the usual jail talk. This has really upset both myself and partner as he has brought her up from 4years old she's nearly 12. I'm so scared of this rupturing all of lives and I really don't no what to do I'm heartbroken he put us through so much he'll many years ago hasn't tried at all to make amends or seek a relationship with my daughter until now. Please is there any advice or personal experiences that maybe you've been through yourself where it has either worked or wasn't worth the pain?
Many thanks
23 Replies
Do not even entertain him. Theres only trouble to come from it, and Id say that even if he showed up straight with a seemingly good job. They dont change. Behind closed doors with them doesnt change. Personally I wouldnt even respond.
How on earth did he find your address in the UK?
The best thing is to get some legal advice, so you can understand what would happen if he pushes to see the child. That way you know how to best respond.
Because you and he are in the UK I imagine family law would be quite a bit different than they are here.
I would not respond to the letter until you’ve spoken to a lawyer.
Just because he’s asked for it, doesn’t mean he will have a relationship with her, the courts won’t look kindly on him being out of her life this long, and his criminal history.
Not the OP but very similar family laws, my bil has a daughter in UK it's pretty much the same.
If it's going to remain a subtle relationship with letters and emails then this could be good for your daughter through her teenage years. She no doubt will have a million questions through her teenage years and if she couldn't ask him she would sit and stew on them, driving her to make contact herself just like an adopted child. Half of her identity has been a secret she is going to be wanting to know what makes her who she is. Your current partner still plays a role and it won't be diminished just because she has contact with her bio dad.
He's her biological father. She deserves the right to know him. Not for him , but for her.
Manslaughter is serious but there are many different degrees of it. Doesn't mean he's going to accidentally kill her too.
Your current partner tho is her father. That role and bond will never be replaced even when she sees Mr Bio.
She can know all about him without being put in front of him.
Why are you minimising this guys violent tendencies?
It clearly wasn’t an isolated incident, after what Op went through.
He might not accidentally kill her but he could certainly bring a lot of pain and suffering to her life.
Lie with dogs you get fleas. He’s still her father. Don’t have kids with shit cunts then. The child can still communicate via face time, letters and phone calls if you wanna keep her physically away from him and fair enough. It’s still her father he hasn’t harmed her. There are lots of shit men out there who are still good dads. Don’t judge a one sided story
Thats not how child welfare works.
He has a violent past and that child is a stranger to him so I certainly wouldn't feel safe him having a relationship with her
What if he gets out of jail and she decides to stay with him and he gets violent with her like he has in the past?
Please remember that your daughter has a right to get to know her biological father regardless of your feelings around it.
Denying her this is denying part of her identity.
Talk to her and ask her how she feels about it. Of she wants to attempt a relationship from it, start slow. Get her father to right letters. And do this continuously to prove he is serious. Then move onto phone calls. Take it slow.
He doesn't deserve any chance to be a father to her now. As some one who works in the industry it is not an uncommon occurrence for people like this who are looking at long sentences to try and build some form of relationship to try and use the children to get shorter sentences, money sent in for purchases, to use as a tool to force you to do what he wants and as a potential place to stay when they get released if the child is old enough and living in their own home. I would not be accepting of his contact and would not respond at all. As soon as you do he knows he has got to you, my advice would be contact the location and get him banned from contacting you if you do not want letters sent some facilities have the ability to stop contact as it is not wanted by the recipient. As he has no relationship with your child now legally he would be hard pressed to gain access whilst in prison.
I think the question you need to ask yourself is. Has his lawyer told him to reach out as a way of reducing his sentence or using the child to represent him as “a changed man who has recently reconciled with his daughter and wants to be a positive influence in her life” that’s the question I would be asking. I wouldn’t be allowing my child to be used like that.
Sounds like he wants brownie points in jail and using your daughter to get them.
I think there are times it's ok to tell the truth. There is a difference between telling the truth and talking shit. I have a mum who told me the truth about my father and I respect her for that.
Don't give him anything!
I would be contacting the facility and requesting that all contact from him is discontinued, the location i work out if someone rings in and says they don't want contact from a prisoner they can ban them from calling or sending mail.
Anything further that you receive i would return to sender NOT AT THIS ADDRESS. From experience i have seen people attempt to gain meaningful relationships with children they otherwise couldn't give a fuck about to gain finically, get property sent in or to manipulate the mother into doing what they want. It has also been seen for these people who are doing long stints behind bars to push for an early parole citing they have a child to care for or if the child is an adult a possible address for parole should they be in their own place once Dad is released. It should be your daughters choice once she is 16 if she chooses to have a relationship but for now she should not be stressed out by her sperm donors crappy behaviour.
I think you have to trust your own mother's instincts on this. Will it be more beneficial to have this relationship or will it do her harm. sit with that question and you will have your answer.
I think you have to trust your own mother's instincts on this. Will it be more beneficial to have this relationship or will it do her harm. sit with that question and you will have your answer.
I wouldn’t entertain him at all. 12 is such an impressionable age. Sounds like he is going to be in prison I’m for a while. Contact them and tell them you do not want to receive mail for phone calls.
Wait until she is an adult, then she can make the choice and you can support her through that.
She has your partner. Being a parent has nothing to do with who’s blood runs through her veins.
I agree with others posts, it’s brownie points for parole.
Your daughter does have a right to know and decide for herself, thinking your father never cared or tried to see you could scar her mentally later in life.
In saying that I would not allow face to face contact while his in jail, letters only.
He is a violent and possibly dangerous man, protect your daughter from any harm he could bring, at least with letters you can monitor any abuse or manipulation.
Have a chat to her, she may not want to talk to him.. I never stopped my son from seeing his father and encourage a relationship for many years but he saw the kind of person he was and when he turned 16 decided to cut off all contact with him, that was 2 years ago now and he doesn’t regret his choice.
Trust your daughter and trust that you raised her right, she will do the right thing.
No. He’s probably only doing this as part of mandated therapy to try to get early release. 12 is such an important age. It will totally screw up her future relationships if he comes into her life now and then abandons her again. And he will abandon her again. Don’t even entertain the idea. When she is 18 she can choose for herself if if she wants to take the risk.
Ignore this letter and get on with your life. He is servicing for manslaughter. It’s not like you will ever want her involved in his life. She is just a link to his outside world when he probably has nothing else. Act like you never got the letter. I would think about moving on day and changing her surname to your partners. I wouldn’t want my child knowing him.think of you and her safety. That’s it. Forget him.