I don’t know what to do anymore.
My four year old has me at the end of my rope.
Everything is a fight all the time. They hate their dad, then me, then both of us at the same time.
It’s exhausting. They were completely toilet trained, now they have accidents almost everyday.
We’ve tried peaceful parenting, Being stricter, we’ve even smacked on occasion (not our proudest moment as parents) when the attitude and rudeness have gotten to the point its embarrassing to go out for all of us.
We both work 40 hour weeks, with no options to not do so, but our families have a day each and we have day care the other three. Our weekends are fun, family times. We’re careful to enforce bed times as we’re up so early and we try and make all the time we do get together quality time.
I find myself dreading the constant crying and carrying on, being told we’re not listening, that we’re the worst parents.
I’ve cried myself to sleep more than once and my partner is at the end of his rope, and it has been causing fights between the pair of us over the best ways to tackle the issues we’re facing.
Our nice sweet child seems to have just vanished and I’m lost as to how to get them back.
Help, ideas, solidarity are all welcome.
4 Replies
Connection. Slow down. Listen. Discuss things you notice about them. For four year olds its the tiny things. " you love blue, dont you! I noticed because your toothbrush is blue and you painted that bug blue today" will open up a whole conversation with a four year old. Notice and comment on the tiny things that are huge to them. Those kind of slow 4 year old conversations is where they feel their connection with you. And when youre rushed and busy and on a schedule, and theyre crying and carrying on its really easy to let that go.
What are they like at daycare and with other family members? It could be that home with mum and dad is their safe place where they can relax and just let go after holding it together all day at kindy or with other people. If similar behaviours are being displayed at daycare and with family, then go to your GP and request further investigation. If it’s just at home, look into Triple P parenting courses. Take a weekend off from “fun family time”. Spend the weekend at home in from of the TV relaxing. Playing in the backyard. Something relatively quiet at home so you can all just relax and regain some energy for the upcoming week. It’s possible your child is not getting time to switch off because you are all on the go all the time.
Each of my 4 year olds have been challenging. Absolute angels for other people, but it is like they just explode all their pent up rattiness the moment they got home. Im putting it down to they feel safe to do so with me.
I found just sitting and giving them a cuddle and a quiet chat the only way when they have been in that horrendous mood.
Looking at a book and talking about the pictures, playing a silly pretend game with their toys or just doing some drawing together. It sounds like your partner and youself are so busy, and thats not a judgement from me, you hve to do what you have to do in this day and age to get by, but if you can allocate that quiet time each evening, it may be worth a try.
Child is 4. They haven't learnt emotional regulation yet. You have. Now you have to teach them to deal with their big emotions.