I’m struggling with saying no to people. I have the biggest heart and just want to help people.
This however puts extra stress on me. I’m a single mum with 100% care. My daughter is autistic snd adhd.
I’m always asked to do things for people or have their kids or whatever amd I struggle to say no.
I’m exhausted. To the point sometimes I want to give up as a parent.
I don’t expect anything I’m return at all for doing things but when I’m so exhausted and ready to give up I sit amd think how nice it would be to have someone take my daughter for a bit or whatever.
I feel so alone sometimes. My daughter is hard to handle and even physical with me at times.
We have little funding and I do have a support worker but this is used for when I need to work after school hours as she can’t attend after school care.
I feel like I need to focus on myself snd my daughter snd I need to her some rest but I just can’t say no to people. I do so much extra for others and forget about everything else of mine or that I’m so exhausted I feel like I could sleep for a week straight.
6 Replies
Practice saying no. Have some lines you're comfortable with. I'm sorry, I've planned a special day with my daughter. Sorry we have a doctor to see. Sorry, we've got a meeting with the support worker. Sorry, I've got a full day of errands. Sorry, I'm actually trying to see if anyone is available to look after my daughter because I have things to do. Sorry, I'll be working from home. Sorry, I've got a big job application to write that day. Sorry, we'll have visitors. Sorry, my daughter needs a quiet day....
I used to be you. Until I had to admit to myself people were using me, not even always intentionally. I found it was easist for people to ask the person who is most likely to say yes. Yet, it wasn't reciprocated. No offers of help, no are you ok?
So I learned to say no & have reasons ready. I even have lines for certain people who call and say are you busy? What are you doing Saturday? in a certain tone.
I'd advise telling a simple part of the truth. I'm busy. I'm exhausted with DD & just can't help anyone right now, in fact, I'm looking for some support for myself. Make sure it's a closed topic. Don't say 'I'm taking DD to X'. This gives people an option to rearrange your time or ask to take their kids too. Say 'I'm spending oneon one the with DD.' yes, I've had some really piss-takers in my life!
Or I can if you can run an errand for me or do x or y. Stop doing it with no return expectation. Unfortunately it makes you an easy ask.
In fact, just say no, I can't right now. You're allowed to.
Saying no, is in the best interests of your daughter. Keep that in the forefront of your mind.
Have a script prepared for when someone asks something of you. If it’s by text, give it a minute to respond and say ‘sorry, I don’t have time to do that’. Your daughter needs you to decline.
If someone asks verbally/face to face or over the phone. Response ‘Can I get back to you’ then text them back later saying, ‘sorry I don’t have time’
It takes practice and over time I’ve gotten excellent at saying ‘no’ but I had to ease myself into it.
It’s 100% time to put you and your daughter first.
This inability to say no recently put someone very dear to me in hospital with complete mental and physical burn out. I fear you're on that same trajectory if things continue this way.
I get it though, saying no is hard, especially if you're naturally a bit of a people pleaser but you've got to look after yourself first - especially as a single mum of a child with special needs.
It's much easier to say no without any guilt once you accept that some people are simply taking advantage of you. These people see your struggles, they just don't care.
If being put on the spot is the main reason saying no is hard, maybe sending out a preemptive text would help.
Something like "Hi Mary, I'm just letting you know I won't be available for babysitting/running errands/doing favours (whatever applies) anymore. I have too much on my plate so I'm just not in a position to help anyone at the moment. Thank you for understanding".
I think that is also a good way to weed out any disingenuous people in your life, too!
Because real friends will understand and maybe even offer to help you, the users you'll probably never hear from again.
I am terrible at saying no too! I was saying yes to things that I couldn't even do! Now I'm older I have learnt to delay, when someone asks something of me I will tell them I will get back to them. Then that gives me time to think about it properly, have I got something else planned (even if it was meant to be a lazy afternoon, thats still something else planned) do I have work, is this person desperate (are they going through something significant like an ill family member, break up etc), does this person ask for favours of you regularly and never seem to offer help back? These are all the things you need to think about, your time and energy is precious don't waste it on people who don't deserve it. I've also come across a few people in my life who are so overly helpful, like they will do a favour for you without you even asking and you think wow that is nice of them. Then they spend the next 6 months asking for favours in lieu of that one thing they did for you. So I'm always wary of that now, if someone does an out of the blue favour for me I square it up straight away with a carton of beer or something, that way I don't feel guilted into saying yes if they ask something of me later.
Why on earth are people asking you to do things??? You are telling them its ok, fine, to smash over that boundary.
Yes you need to focus on your self and your daughter. Youre a single mum people should be offering support, nothing else (i know that goes both ways) but you need to get your boundaries back in place
1. Kind generous big heart. Prioritise who. Because some people deserve it, some just take. You and your daughter are first on your list, then close friends and family. Be kind and generous to them, dont let others take away from that.
2. Practice saying no. Just to get the boundaries up, make no your answer for a month. No without reason. No, i cant. No, Ill be with my daughter that night. No its just us. No Im going alone. No thanks, thanks for the invite.