I lost my partner to suicide almost 7 years ago now.
We had not discussed, or put in place any provisions for a will nor our wishes for when we pass.
At the time of making the funeral arrangements, both my partners father and mother (separated) we there and we made all of these decisions together. During this decision I expressed that I believed he would want for his body to be cremated and his ashes scattered at some point. Everybody agreed with this.
The ashes have been at my home during this time. I have discussed with his father about my wishes to scatter the ashes at sea nearby to our home as he loved fishing and surfing. He had said whatever my choice is they will respect that.
My brother in law, and my mother in law are a different story. I only have recently had a conversation with her about what we should do. This was following a discussion that her son has had with her, that he feels like he can only properly mourn his brother is there is a gravesite that he can visit.
She now tells me that she wouldn’t feel right visiting a place by the ocean and that any of her family that were cremated were buried? She also suggested that we maybe share the ashes around each of the houses say every 6 months or so.
I do not feel comfortable with either of these suggestions and truely think for him to be free we just need to scatter the ashes.
I don’t have the best relationship with my brother in law and have felt disrespected by him a lot since my partner has passed. Example made comments that because we weren’t married that my choices are irrelevant (were engaged for 7 of the 10 years together).
I have always said that I would keep everyone involved in this decision, but am at a point now where I just want to make the choice to scatter the ashes at sea and just do it with my two sons.
I feel like this will be a fight I can never win with him.
What is the right thing to do 😢
12 Replies
There is no right or wrong way to do this.
My dad committed suicide 18 months ago.
We scattered some of him at a place we used to go a lot for fishing when I was a kid.
Mum is keeping some in an urn in her house and like his brother, I want a proper memorial site.
There is no reason why you can't all have the grieving process you want.
Split the ashes. Let them do whatever they want with their portion, and you do what you want with yours. Thats the right thing to do because you are all allowed to grieve differently. And you dont all want to be connected having to continue to visit the places each other chose as the place you chose is the one thats special to you.
Also remember its just a tribute. All the ashes you have are not actually all of him. Its the reminder. You only need a part to do your releasing or final resting place. And in case thats not all convinced you, then I will also say that he sounds like a nature lover, and nature lovers know that everything is connected and the ashes will end up everywhere. That should put your mind at ease. He wouldnt care, he would just want you all to be at peace.
Just split the ashes and give everyone some to mourn how they wish.
Split the ashes. I think cemeteries are safe places to grieve and just sit. Nobody asks what you're doing or bothers you, you don't have to deal with idiots at the beach, loud music, burnouts in the Carpark. I'm with your brother in law and think there should be a proper memorial for him where people can feel comfortable.
Share them, spread some over the beach and give some to his family. Don’t do the wrong thing here. Wait and come to a. Agreement with them as you are all grieving and there is no wrong or right so everyone’s feelings need to be considered.
speak to them about splitting them with you and do that. Works out best for both. Brings comfort to both families.
Could you possibly put some ashes into a small bottle type of thing and give it to brother in law/mil to just get them off your case and then scatter the remaining as you please. I don't think they will ever stop if they don't get what they want. 😒 I don't understand the whole thing about going to a cemetery to grieve. But each to their own i guess.
Scatter them at the beach.......fill the urn up with some dust and hand it around to keep at their house.
I hope this happens to you
So unbelievably sorry for your loss, loosing a partner in anyway is devastating, but loosing them to the invisible disease that is depression is so tough.
Personally if it were me, I would give them the ashes. I think you are all grieving and the ashes are a connection for all of you.
But your connection is in the memory of him, its the love you shared, its in all those years you spent together.
I dont really know how to put this any other way, because I dont want to discount your pain and loss. But to me the pain of loosing a child is a pain beyond anything else.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My ex husband, the father of my children commit suicide last year. His mother took possession of the ashes, and was to scatter them
In the ocean. My children, his children, were the ones who wanted somewhere to visit their dad. One child a teenager and two preteens. I spoke with his mother, and she agreed to let my kids have a small part of the ashes put into a commemoration necklace, so my daughter could have a piece of her dad with her when she eventually walks down the aisle, and our sons have their dad with them when needed. My kids don’t wear the necklace day to day, but only special occasions such as their birthday or his birthday. The rest of the ashes have been since scattered in the ocean in a different state to where we live, as my ex moved interstate when our marriage ended. Can I suggest that you see if your husbands mother or brother (maybe your kids might like the same) would like to get a necklace that will contain a small amount of his ashes.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I work in a cemetery, and it’s a situation we see often.
There is an option to have a memorial plaque placed at a cemetery without the ashes being interred there - we do this quite a lot where the ashes are scattered, or taken to another country or even kept at home with the partner. No one would know the ashes aren’t there by looking at the memorial. Just something to consider.
You’re in an incredibly tough position, sending gentle hugs if you want them x