So hubby has a new (2yrs) really good mate, they speak daily and almost see each other daily too. Hes recently (6-12months) seperated from his wife and living his best single life again.
Hes nice, we have a laugh and get on okay, honestly still dont really know him that well compared to hubbys other mates.
Here's the thing, he's a total shit stirer in my marriage, he'll bring up things that me and hubby debate over, and try and stir the pot.
He'll make comments like 'I don't remember that night, ohh wait is that the night you cracked the shits with hubby?'.
I can see him manipulating my hubby to spend time with him instead of me, ie boys will bring be drinking around our house and he will try his best to move the party to the pub or back to his place, knowing full well I can't get kids out of bed and join, hubby always says no but i still feel like a burden and always tell him he can go but he hasn't yet.
Even when we have plans to do something or go out somewhere (and hubby isnt overly keen) his friend will say that those plans are crap and how much better would it be if we all just went to the pub, so I'm left looking like the bad guy because we already have commitments that involve other people and i dont want to let them down. Que more arguements.. Beacuse its not that hard to convince my husband to go to the local instead of having dinner with his family for instance š which has happened mind you!!
And yes fair enough husband is a grown man and can make his own decisions but he doesn't need this 'mate' in his ear trying to talk him out of doing something with me or our family.
Hes so manipulative and pushy with what he wants.. And i feel as though he doent resepct our relationship..
Hes got hubby full drunk drunk at the pub on more than a few occassions and hubby will complain about it, that he just wanted a beer or two but his mate kept putting new ones in front of him and then he feels the peer pressure.. Again i know he needs better boundaries, but I have seen this guys messages, he is soo pushy and wont take no for an answer..
Sorry for the rant just needed to get it off my chest, this was just a real quick summary!
I'm starting to look like the angry shitty wife, who gives my husband a hard time but I feel like this guy is bad news for us and I've gotten to the point I dont even want this guy around right now he stirs up so much shit.
Hubby really enjoys his company, they do laugh alot together, I haven't said anything to hubby. Hubby has been let down on a few occassions by this guy so thinking he might be digging his own grave so to speak..
Edited to add,
gently spoke with hubby about it last night, i said his mate is like the devil's advocate (didnt like that comment..) And said he likes to stir the pot, to which hubby agreed and said thats what he does, so just to except it sort of attitude..
I responded with I don't want someone coming between our marriage and then hubby walked off in a huff, he was defending his mate the whole time..
Even tried to speak to him about it again this morning but still on his mates defense.
I even said he makes me look like the bad guy, to which hubby responds 'all women are the bad guys'.. Like WTF??
I cant help but feel this guy is trying to rip my husband away from me and turn him against me??!
I dont even know what to do from here..
16 Replies
Itās time for some serious bandaries. Like now.
And they need to come directly from hubby.
Heās shown what hi a true character is, so hubby needs to start slowly distancing and start some clear firm boundaries
I feel like this is the right direction we should be going but what happens when hubby can't see any issues here and is happy with how things are? I tried talking to him about it but just defends his mate the whole time š
Your giving the mate a lot of power here...
Yeah definately feeling powerless atm
Your husband is responsible for his actions and his decisions.
He can only cause arguments if you guys allow it.
Friend attempts to move the guys away from your place and whether or not you say it's ok your husband says no. How you feel about that is entirely on you, try changing your thinking and say to your husband "you know, everytime x says to move on and you turn him down I really appreciate that you don't leave me here alone."
Changing plans? He's an adult. If he chooses to not go to dinner with his family you can't make him. You simply choose if you're still going or if you stay home instead. Either way, your partner axes the plans so he gets on the phone and explains to his family that the pub is a higher priority right now. See how long he pulls that stunt for.
If your husband doesn't have it in him to stand up at the end of the second drink and excuse himself, he doesn't really want to leave. Ignore his bitching about it. We have friends that pull the same sob story. "I wasn't meant to be here this late", "I have things I have to do in the morning", "I could be doing... right now".
Well dumb shit, you're always welcome but noone twists your arm to get in your car and drive around. You're offered another beer to be polite because you didn't bring your own/enough. You can say no.
He'll only have a much power in your relationship as the pair of you give him.
Thank you for your comments!
I tried to talk to hubby about it last night but he doesn't see anything wrong with what this guy does, he was just defending him the whole time. I'm so tired of being like I'm the.bad guy, i dont even know what to do from here!
Yes hubby is a grown man and needs to establish his own boudaries but i can't help but feel this guy is trying to brainwash hubby to be single with him šš
I will definately take your advice and change my mind set and words going forward though! Thank you!
Not a problem, I'm very often the one woman in a backyard crowd of men. I absolutely know only too well how they interact.
Rather than talk about the friend, talk about your husbands behaviours. That's what your issue really is, it's only a side note that these behaviours are exhibited with said friend because in all honesty, he's capable of them with anyone.
And I ain't gonna lie. I've pulled my partner up with a "so off you go, you're not here because I need you only because I choose you. Go, see how happy your divorced/separated/perpetually single mates really are. Just don't think when you find they're bitter about exes, don't spend enough time with their kids and whinge about having to pay the hated ex child support, sleep alone because they're not a unicorn that every single chick fights over, still live at home with mum well into their 40's, take some pretty dangerous recreational drugs to make up for their lives not being very fulfilling, don't think after you learn all that that the door will still be open here. Locks will change the day you no longer choose me."
I only had to say it once.
He knows I'm not bullshitting.
Hahahah yep you go girl!!
Yep too true, we have a few singles mates all bout mid 30s, either divorced or never married and do exactly that, live out wild crazy lives but are sooo bloody lonely!
Yeah in december I told him I was unhappy and that if he wanted to go live his best single life then do it because we both deserved to be happy, in a nice supportive way though but I was dead set serious too.
He told me he'd ease up with the pub and make more of an effort with me and our kids.. He has come along way but literally had beers with his mate mon-fri this week š... I just straight up told him last night that I miss him and I feel like a low priority to him, he got it and apologized and suggested a date night which was good.. But then theres old mate round our house again trying to talk us into pub tonight even though we have a friends birthday and hubby is still entertaining the idea of pub, so of course I crack the shits and look like the bad guy again š
Your right this is on him, not so much his mate..
I love this, I also have had a very similar conversation. I know full well what I bring to the table. You are welcome to leave anytime.
My almost 8 year old can talk sense into 40 year old men.
We were at our local not long ago. Usually wives and husbands take 2 cars so one can take the kids home and the other can party on for a bit. Our community is pretty small bug we know how to party. You can have a mix of men and women at the end of the night and none of them are partners.
Weāll one night a lady had left and taken the kids home and we were still there. Were usually the one car couple (when one leaves so does the other) her husband was still there but my daughter had overheard her friend say. āWere going home dad, goodnightā about half an hour later she walks up to this man and says āMr ******** all of your kids and Mrs ******** have gone why are you still here?ā
He looked at her and said āthatās a really good question, i should go homeā he pat her on the head finished his drink said good night to everyone and went home. My daughter said āi hope he says goodnight to ********* for meā
We left not long after as a family.
Your husband is not showing his appreciation for his family. Heās definitely not showing his appreciation for you.
Theres a difference between being a supportive mate and letting yourself join the singles club when you let your mates ruin your life. There has to be a balance.
Mon - Fri drinking with mates is not ok when you have a family, all weekend/every weekend parties with your mates is not ok when you have a family. You need to balance your life and if your husband canāt see the imbalance thats being caused here, heās going to be in the singles club with his mate. Once his mate finds himself a woman who wants to take his dick on the regular your husband will be less important to his mate again. Then heāll be the lonely one.
His mates name isnāt Steve is it??
Your husband needs to stand up to him. If he was married still and your husband wasnāt single. He wouldnāt be bothered with him. I know someone like this and I distance us from him completely. Nice guy but stirs so much shit and my husband will argue with me about it. Not worth it. We donāt really see him anymore. I would walk out if my hahah didnāt listen to me and kept being around this person. You spoke to him nicely and explained it. I feel your husband feels pressured and just does these things coz he canāt be bothered with the hassle so he goes along with him.
This is going to be a pretty un PC answer, and I no so many people will disagree with me, but one thing I know very well is how to twist things around on a manipulator.
This guy is needy af and eventually he will irritate your partner at no end.
Here is what I would do...
If he brings up old debates, DO not react, laugh it off, even crack a joke at yourself, or better yet at him. For example say stuff like "hey at least he has a wife to give him the shits" then laugh, if he gets shitty just be like wow mate I was only joking. Secondly, don't let your husband use you as an excuse not to go out with him, your husband is obviously playing you two against each other, uses you as an excuse to get out of stuff and uses him as an excuse for drinking more than he wanted to.
Let him own his choices, if he wants to not have dinner with his family to go out with this guy say "sure your life, your choice, don't forget to let your family know you can't make dinner".
Do not let him use you as an excuse! And make sure you voice that infront of his mate, if he wants to skip a night out to spend time with his family he needs to grow some balls and say that. Remove the ammunition from the both them.
I was in your shoes not very long ago at all. My husband had a friend - they knew each other from 4 years ago because my husband bought a car off him but never spoke after that. Anyways we ended up building a house 40 minutes from where we were living and it turned out this guy lived two streets over. Anyways house was built we moved in he helped my husband carry some drawers in that I couldnāt physically lift as Iām tiny and weak as shit lol after that he was over practically every single night for the last 9.5 months. My husband became literally obsessed with him and he became obsessed with my husband. Every conversation we had was about old mate and it started to literally weird me out and honestly I became a little jealous. Then I found out my husband was telling him personal things about our marriage or if we had an argument etc. I was fine with it at first because sometimes we just need a friend to talk to but then this guy started rumours to neighbours about me ... he started telling my husband to leave me ... started telling lies about me to my husband mind you I barely knew this guy!! Iāve only had a handful of conversations with him INFRONT of my husband as he would only ever come over around dinner time so when I was in the kitchen cooking heād come in to use the toilet and then go back to the garage again. I also did message him one time asking advice on how to help my husband but he just said āI donāt want to say anything because ... gives me work. (He also was helping my husband at work) This guy caused so much drama and then threatened me TWICE! My husband did not care he took his side completely and treated me like I was a piece of shit. Like I was nothing. My husband started becoming abusive towards me because of this guy. He was telling my husband that my husband is depressed and that he needs medication and even offered my husband some of his antidepressants!! He was filling my husbands head with so much rubbish that hubbyās mood swings became out of control towards me like I was literally the devil. I exhausted every Avenue I suggested going to the doctors, seeking help, speaking to a counsellor I was fighting so hard to save our marriage because this was just not my husband but in the end I had to leave because it became quite bad. While at work I received a threatening message from this guy so I went straight to the police and reported his threats to them. I explained everything to the police. They offered to contact him about it but then weāre worried things would escalate for me and Iād get hurt so they flagged it in the system so if he were to threaten or come near me I could call them and they would be on it straight away. While I was away my husband obviously felt very lonely and sorry he promised change I told him I did not want this guy near our place ever again as I have a right to set boundaries so that my daughter and I are safe. I do not trust this guy at all heās been in and out of jail and I have not heard good things about him. Neighbours warned me he was not a good person when we first moved in to but he seemed so nice at first I thought they were just speaking rubbish. Anyways My husband agreed so I came back but itās been tough. A few times this guy has rocked up to my house but not gotten out of the car he will sit out the front for a few minutes and then leave. My neighbour has cameras and sends me footage if she sees anything. If we go on family walks he will drive past watching us and following but my husband thinks itās normal and heās not doing anything wrong š¤ if we go to the dog park he will drive past and just stare. And the other crappy thing is he can see our front door from his back door so if we are out the front he will sit at his back door watching us. He even used to text my husband saying āI can see youā I still feel very uncomfortable in my own home but things are slowly becoming better. My husbands old self is coming back heās happier and cracking jokes again and smiling.
I think you need to give your hubby an ultimatum or maybe leave for awhile since youāve already tried explaining to him about how you are feeling and itās made no change. I know itās hard but it was probably the best thing I ever did to save my marriage ... all the best ā¤ļø
I left my husband 5 years ago after he had 2 years of a similar friendship. 19 years together and 2 kids. thankfully, I didnāt see the guy much and it wasnāt until after Iād left that I realised how much influence he had over my husband and the bond theyād built.
He and his partner didnāt have kids and loved to drink, take drugs and party. Iād actually class him as a psychopath who manipulated my husband for his own gain. When I did see him, heād say things so Iād know my husband had told him private things and I donāt think it was to cause drama, it was to show their friendship was stronger and put my husband on the spot. In the end, my husband lost out. Within a year of us separating, he ran out of money, was no further use to the guy and had lost his family. As far as I know, they donāt speak anymore. His partner left him too and he has no friends. He occasionally lingers around my boundary fence and tries to approach my children and I but I just completely ignore him.
When you said your husband defended the guy, mine did too. And, I remember the words āheās smarter than you, he has a degreeā and wondered why on earth my husband would make such a comparison. I didnāt care that he had a degree, he was a deadshit alcoholic in my opinion! I didnāt even know they were friends but they obviously built an incredible bond for a father to choose a friend over his own children.
Anything I said pushed him closer to the guy so I let him enjoy his bromance and walked.
Ask your husband, is his friendship beneficial to his family, or does it take him away from his family?
Is the guy a good role model for your children?