Hi.
I've been with my partner for over 20 years. We started "dating" in highschool and now we have 4 incredible kids together and built a beautiful "forever home" just over 2 years ago.we are both commited to each other 100% .
There are no doubts regarding our fidelity.
I had PND 11 years ago after my second child and it all went down hill from there.
We have had significant issues during this time- most recently - me having a drinking issue in last 5 years... and I also put on a significant amount of weight because of that.
But for past 2 years I've been honest and stable. I have even finally weaned off my antidepressants (with dr supervision) .
My main issue is...I want to be married! To the man I love! For soooo long I've expressed this to him. - without trying to sound like im "nagging"
I'm almost 40... I'm an only child and my dad has had 2 heartattacks in the last 5 years. My mum has almost had a stroke and lives with arterial fibrillation daily. In other words... Theyre not as healthy as I would like.
I would love to be able to walk down the isle and have my parents witness this... My grandparents are still alive - in thier 90s- my grandfather is actually a minister- I would love for him to marry us!
But my partner is just SO against it -money wise,because of our recent issues and just because of the "fuss" ... He says we have made our commitment and I should know how much I love him without the ring or ceremony. "what we've been through is more than many others"
And I agree.,.
But. ..
Im just at a loss .
I'm heartbroken every time people announce their engagement or post wedding photos. My heart actually aches and my stomach turns to knots (which is what happened today for the millionth time - hence this post!)
I'm not going to ask him to marry me - that's not an option.
I can almost 100 percent guarantee that would end in an argument.
I don't want an extravagant wedding. I really dont. I know the costs can be ridiculous but I also am the kind of person to break shit down.
But I do want something where we can celebrate with our family and loved ones - not elope to fiji or the courthouse...
I guess I'm just asking for some support.. or some feedback?
What do I do? Just keep on going??? As I said I won't be asking him to marry me.
I just don't know what to do if he never asks?
We have been together since 17 and will be 38 this year ...
I've seen many psychiatrists over the years and this comes up as my one core problem.
I tell him this but he doesn't seem to care - he sees it as me just having a whinge. But honestly-he's an amazing human despite this.
I am NOT the person to whinge. I hate that!
Please help with advice moving forward if you can... But a) don't tell me to leave him and b) don't tell me to ask him to marry him
Both those things wont be happening.
How do I be happy if he never asks me?
And am I being unreasonable and selfish wanting this???
I really do shed a tear when I see others get engaged or married. Yes - of course I'm happy for them ! But I'm also heartbroken for myself 😓
15 Replies
To answer the question.
Marriage means jack shit.
What means something is his and your behaviour every single day. You’ve got things that are far more binding than a token ceremony in front of family. You’ve got kids, joint finances and you’ve stayed together through the hard times. You’ve got it all.
I know many married couples who don’t have the kind of security and security doesn’t come from signing a document and a ceremony.
Might be jack shit to you but a lot of women see marriage as so much more important than others do. Don't downplay her deepest craving just because it's not for you..
It isn’t just a piece of paper to millions of people in the world and not to this OP.
Poster here, I’m not against marriage. In fact very pro marriage. Just trying to offer a view point. The OP is welcome to take it or not if it helps her/doesn’t.
Life experience has taught me though that if you are insecure in your relationship a ceremony may not fix that.
I also worry that marriage is something the OP hyper focuses on. A big clue is believing her mental health and alcohol issues are related to getting married. When you look for a fix for those issues it rarely turns out that it resolves everything like you want.
It’s unlikely her partner is going to change his mind (at this point), and she told us she didn’t want us to tell her to leave. So what’s left? Changing her thinking on how important marriage is?? Me telling her marriage is the be all and end all, probably isn’t that helpful really
You didn't offer a view point. You completely belittled her deepest desire.
I got from the post she had PND, alcohol issues related to that, not marriage.
No where does she indicate it is an insecure relationship or a band aid fix.
Obviously any insecure relationship won’t work, marriage or not, that’s irrelevant.
They’ve been through a shitload together, they obviously have a solid relationship.
She wants to be married, like many others in the world, that doesn’t make her hyperfocused on it or abnormal.
I also hate that argument about....I know many married couples who have shit relationships. Well duh, we know the divorce rate. What does other people having shit relationships got to do with someone wanting to be married in their relationship? No one thinks it’s a guarantee you’ll be together forever, duh, again, divorce is common, but it is a symbol and has a lot of meaning to people.
I dont think you should leave him over this.
Clearly hes great and you love each other and thata rare especially from so young and for so long. Youve got a forever partner there.
The question is why have all the previous experts help not helped?
What did they advise?
Has anyone ever explained to him about our core values and how the closer we align them the happier we feel with our life.
I think you focus on this because youre pretty happy with everything else. And youre feeling a time pressure with your parents.
I think you should go back to a psych and organise your thoughts with them one more time, and even get him in there to have it explained to him.
At the end you cant force him to marry if he doesnt want to but you need to hear each other and both agree on the compromise to meet each others needs so you can move forward knowing youre respecting each other and its an agreement. At this point it probably feels more like he wins by default and you dont get heard.
This was an issue with me and my ex. I couldn't live with the fact that I would be 80 years old with a boyfriend and not a husband if I stayed.. and he just "so against" it so we split and guess what? He's marrying his new girlfriend! I would give him an ultimatum, even if it does mean marrying at the court house (you could always do a celebration later) otherwise you have to just live with it I guess.
IMO it sounds like you'd love a public commitment of your love. Why does it needs to be "marriage" or a "wedding"? Why not throw a big party of all your family and friends to celebrate your relationship. Your granddad could make a formal speech; your parents (and his, if he likes) can make speeches. You can declare your love for him in front of the group. Have roles for your children. Think of those re-commitment ceremonies you read about by people who've been married a long time, or weathered particularly trying times. Can you do that? I promise you the piece of paper is not going to suddenly make everything rosie.
In her situation, I would feel worse doing this.
Big party in front of everyone, like a neon sign, this isn’t a wedding, just a party because he won’t marry me.
Planning the party would be shit.
A wedding isn’t a party, it’s so much more.
I have personally never cared either way about being married. My partner had a bad marriage and a bad divorce, and made it clear that although he wants to spend forever with me, he is very much against the idea of marrying again.
I agreed I'm fine with that; but, when the time is right, I DO want a bigass diamond ring as a public symbol of commitment, and will happily be engaged indefinitely.
This may not be enough for you, but it's worked out perfectly for us as a compromise.
You could also have an engagement party for friends and family - not the same, I know - but maybe better than nothing.
25 or 30 years each seems fair. Hes had his next its your turn!
I have a deep moral belief in marriage. I'd never be happy in a relationship if it wasn't an option. I'd happily have a registry wedding though.
Would your partner be open to Eloping?
We had a celebrant come to our house. We had my parents as witnesses and our 16 month old son and we got married at our dinning room table. It was beautiful and didn't cost much.
You have the beautiful benefit of having your Gandfather as minister to perform your ceremony. Maybe suggest a wedding with just your close family - parents, grandparents, siblings and children at a beach or gardens.
If he is isnt open to any weddings at all, I would suggest couples counselling. Marriage is obviously very important to you and I dont think you will be able to get over it and just move on. You will end up miserable and will start resenting him