Please help, my 9 year old Autistic boy hits me when he's angry. If I try to calm him down he just hits me more. No one ever hits him. I don't know what to do. Sometimes he stops for a while but then he starts it all over agian. He only hits me and I'm sick of it. I've tried telling people and I've spoken to his doctors but they hardly make note of it and ignore it. If things don't go his way he gets into a rage. I think he only hits me because everyone else is soft with him and give in. He is homeschooled and is constantly getting angry during online class and yelling at the teacher or other students if he doesn't get to do what he wants. He has alot of trouble dealing with change and losing and I just don't think his psychologist appointments are working.
9 Replies
Number one, find a Psychologist who specialises in behavioural interventions with ASD children as not all are skilled in this area but to be fair they may be trying their best. Maybe get a Behaviour Support Plan done up? Also talk to his Paediatrician or request a Child Psychiatrist who will help with medication. If he is absolutely not able to self regulate and is a danger to you or himself then there may need to be further intervention. Is he experiencing sensory overload? Occupational Therapist may help with self regulating as well. Also maybe it's time for some respite for you x
Have you tried hitting him back?
What. The. Fuck?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! At no point should you hit ANY child to teach them that hitting is wrong. That's lazy and hypocritical and unlikely to solve the issue, in any case.
That's your opinion, I wouldn't be hugging a child that hit me repeatedly let's put it that way. I have 3 kids that are already adults and I have always gave them back what they thought was OK to do to other people or animals and proud to say they turned out to be very empathetic, kind, thoughtful people.
ASD is different. It's not bad behaviour (can become that if it's ignored). It's neurological - they literally can't process & disperse emotions so it explodes in their head & they lash out. If you don't understand, please don't comment.
Before you try to disprove me I have one of these children. His hitting, at 5, was short lived & at 8 is better at regulating emotions & expressing needs than some adults. He still has some problems but works hard to overcome them. He's bloody brilliant & we are extremely close. Imagine if I'd hit him back instead, when he was 5! Here you go son, the solution is to hit back!
I was hit as a child. No communication, just whack! I still resent my parents, albeit quietly. I'm empathetic to my own kids so they don't suffer the childhood I did.
If he grows up to do this to the people closest to him he will end up very lonely or with a criminal record.
I'm not condoning his hitting you, and it's definitely got to be stopped before he gets older and stronger. However, he's likely is not hitting because he wants to hit - he's communicating a discomfort or a need, and the hitting is probably in response to feeling overwhelmed, or not understood. Does he speak? Can he tell you? Is there a lead up to this behaviour or does he literally hit out of the blue? Is he overwhelmed by the classroom situation? Does he have sensory needs not being met?
When you say he does it in response to change and "losing" or not "getting his way" what specifically do you mean? Transition between tasks or events is hard for autistics, and unexpected events can be a source of anxiety. I'm a 40 year old autistic and something as simple as a routine being interrupted can send me into meltdown. Can you help with a lead up to transitions for him? E.g. in 5 minutes we're going to pack up x and do y, or here's the schedule for the day so you know what's going to happen.
Is he sensory seeking in other, similar ways? Does he like banging or hitting things? Can you redirect the hitting behaviour from you to a pillow, or cushion or something else?
Does he have OT and/or speech therapy support who may be able to shed some light on this?
This is called emotional regulation. My ASD DS8 had this problem. It isn't violence, it's an inability to regulate emotions & is a kind of meltdown & outlet because they can't process the feeling & calm down.
He hits you probably because you're his safe person, who he trusts won't hit back. Not the best way to be appreciated, but, there it is.
Seek a different psych who listens & understands ASD children & can help both you & your DS with strategies to manage his emotions. If doc/psych are not listening go elsewhere. Unfortunately it's common. Try local ASD facebook groups for recommendations. Our DS still gets angry easily but doesn't hit & can be talked out of his anger by knowing we are listening, breathing techniques (this one takes time) and finding a resolution. Standard consequences don't work for this problem.
Another thing is make sure he has an opportunity to release his overstimulation. DS's psych explains it like a bucket - it fills all day with stimuli & unlike NT kids they can't just tip it out. They need an outlet. Preferably physical, like a trampoline, outside play, reading, anything.
If you're not on NDIS consider applying. Make sure emotional regulation is a goal.
Tony Attwood's website has lots of info. A great ASD resource.
Hi,
My son is only 4 but 12 months ago he was similar in lashing out and hitting me and only me in anger and frustration. I did circle of security to help myself in understanding his behaviour and found it really helpful and it was able to be done via Zoom. Also if you have tik tok there is an account preschooltherapy which has some great videos with breathing techniques and other emotional regulation that my son and I watch together that I have found helpful. We have also gotten a calm box and have been working with his school on zones of regulation that my son has really latched onto. Also perhaps look into play therapy - I don't have any advice on this one as it's something we are just starting to look into ourselves.