Hi sisters, I have raised 2 girls on my own. There dad wasn't a family man & left when they were 8 & 10 y.o. He virtually disappeared from our family for almost a year. Then popped up, not for the girls, but for his financial share of assets. Fast track 11 years. My eldest rebelled as teenage girl, ran away from home, did all then usual teenage risky behaviour & ended up pregnant @ 19 y.o. I have observed that she is my biggest critic, no matter what I do, its never good enough. I am a self employed, hard working, normal mum, but the manipulation is making me resentful. If she is sick, I help with the baby as much as I can, but its like she wants me to be as depressed as she is. You know, misery loves company. Has any other mums had nasty, cruel daughters & how do you navigate jealousy etc?
4 Replies
Could it be she blames you for how her life path went so resents you, doesn't think you deserve to be happy for the miserable life she's had? And I know that sounds terrible but adults who have had traumatic childhoods usually do grow up to resent their parents. I think if you want the relationship to improve you need to take an honest look at the last 10 years, how much of her behaviour you blamed on her Dad but also had a lot to do with you being the parent that raised her? I don't think she's jealous, I don't know any child that is jealous of a parent. Her behaviour is stemming from hurt and the sooner you acknowledge where it comes from and apologise for any part in it or on behalf of anyone else then she may be able to get past her resentfulness.
They lived with you, not their dad, yet you are indirectly blaming him for all your woes. My husband left, but how my son turns out is on me. I might add, he’s a happy person. Look within, at yourself, is there anything she has to be resentful about. Also, in my experience, kids don’t resent growing up with not a lot of money, that makes them appreciative, it usually other things.
Im always wary of people that say jealousy, usually it isnt. Get you both into relationship counselling to speak honestly and sort it out before the gap gets too wide, clearly you both have some serious dislike for each other thats a problem that can grow into a permanent dysfunction.
God this sounds so much like my own mother. I haven't spoken to her in 5 years because I couldn't stand her anymore.
She would always accuse me of being "jealous". She even once accused me of orchestrating her having an affair so I could try to steal her husband (the man who raised me from the time I was 2 and I consider my father).
Ask yourself, if she's "cruel" and "nasty", where do those traits come from? You've focused so much on this daughter that I wonder if you have created a narcissistic family dynamic. These dynamics have roles and I highly recommend looking into it to see if perhaps your daughter feels like this is the situation.