Ex's new GF - am I overreacting?

Anonymous

Ex's new GF - am I overreacting?

Strap in, this is a long one! My question is this... am I letting my own hurt get in the way? Should I just smile and encourage my ex's new GF being part of my kids lives so soon after our breakup?

My husband of 11yrs and I separated in October. About a month later, he introduced our two girls (10yo and 5.5yo) to his new girlfriend behind my back. I only found out because my youngest casually mentioned "the girl daddy was kissing". I let him know I thought it was too fast and that I wasn't happy, but made it clear I wasn't saying "no" to the GF being involved, just "not yet". He agreed and promised to keep the girls' contact with his GF to a minimum. However, both girls have just told me, without prompting, that they see the GF every single time they're with him, have been spending most of their dad time at her place, and have slept there on all but a couple of occasions.

When I confronted him about it he said that I have no legal right to tell him where he can take the girls, or who they spend time with. Ok, fine, but I had hoped that after 11yrs he would respect me enough as the girls' mother to honour my wishes, especially since it has to do with the long-term mental wellbeing of our children.

I'm hurt and angry. I feel like I've been tossed aside like an old rag, and his words and actions towards me have shown me that he no longer gives a single shit about me and has no regard whatsoever for my input regarding co-parenting. It doesn't matter what I say, because he's their dad and he knows best. I'm finding his complete lack of respect and empathy very hard to swallow.

I have nothing against the GF, she seems nice, and given enough time to adjust I would probably appreciate her input. However, regardless of what he thinks, the girls are not ok yet. Miss 5 still wakes up crying asking why we can't all be together. Miss 10 is pushing boundaries like you would not believe in an effort to reassure herself that I still love her no matter what. They need more time to process their entire lives turning upside down. Am I so wrong if I want to protect them from the potential fallout of their dad's rebound relationship going sour?

I just want the two of them to get over the honeymoon period and prove their relationship is stable and long-term before he introduces my children into it. I'm simply asking that that on the two nights per fortnight he's chosen to have the girls that he actually focuses on them and not on his GF. She does not need to be part of their lives just yet. He can see her literally every other night of the week, which is far more than he's chosen to see the girls. I really don't think that asking him to be patient, realistic, and to take off his damn rose coloured glasses is too much to ask, is it?

Posted in:  Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt, Kids

22 Replies

Anonymous

I completely get where you are coming from! Unfortunately he’s correct in saying that you have no say in who he and the children spend time with during his time. All you can do is be there for your children as they continue to get used to their new normal, as well as when his new relationship ends. My ex is the same. One relationship ends, and a few weeks later he’s introducing our boys to the next woman who usually has at least one child of her own. The best of the bunch was the woman who didn’t have any children of her own. I had to let it go and hope he would do the right thing by our boys.

like
Anonymous

Totally get it, but you’ve got to let it go.
You can’t stop him, he’s going to do what he’s going to do.

like
Anonymous

Hes a twat and is thinking of himself not hid children. It amazes me how many people can do this to their own children. No advice because you do have to strap in and support your girls as he plays out his love life in front of them as if it has no bearing. He'll pay in the long run.

like
Anonymous

What a selfish asshole. He is not thinking of the girls at all. Your 10 year old especially is at a very vulnerable age. Your kids mental health comes first. I would demand you both go to mediation and I would stop visits until it happens. It's not just you he's disrespecting it's his kids and that's not on.

like
Anonymous

Stop visits why? There is no danger here, why should she distress those kids more by withholding visits to their father just because he is dating someone?. Over what exactly? Terrible advice.

like
Anonymous

Because nobody takes mental health seriously when it comes to kids, only when they become angry teenagers. If parents were held more accountable for how their actions affect their kids we might not have the landslide of teenagers with depression and anxiety. Not giving your kids enough time to process a divorce is fucking with their heads and he needs a wake up call.

like
Anonymous

Withdrawing kids from their father is just wrong in this regard.

like
Anonymous

Very common, it’s shit, but nothing you can do.
Just be the stable parent, you have them the majority of the time, they’ll be okay.
For some reason, a lot of men can’t be alone, us woman are so much stronger and rational.

like
Anonymous

I don't believe he introduced the children to his g/friend behind your back. They're his kids too. Sorry, but he's right...you dont get to dictate his household rules when they are with him regarding what they do and who they see. And vice versa.

like
Anonymous

If she can see her kids hurting she has every right to speak for their benefit.

like
Anonymous

You're so much calmer than I would be. I'm all for rights of both parents, but he's seriously hurting your girls and showing no regard for your wellbeing either. No wonder some people snap.

like
Anonymous

I can relate to this from your children's point of view.
My parents separated just before the Christmas school holidays, by the time school went back in February my dad was living with (and had introduced us to and had us staying with) a new woman and her kids - I was 10.

That was the first time (of many) my mother stopped us kids from seeing our dad.

I'm sure on some level she felt she was doing the right thing but what it actually did to me was add another layer of heartache to what was already a painful and confusing time!

By no means was my dad a perfect husband, man or co-parent but he was my dad and the only one I got, I remember feeling very much as though I was being punished for his choices.

Once I was eventually allowed to see my dad again, I adjusted with relative ease to the comings and goings of new women. I quickly learned not to get too attached to them. What i never adjusted to was the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that my mum could put a stop to visits whenever she saw fit. That messed me up far more than my dad's slightly unstable lifestyle.

Right now, you need to be their constant, mama!
Give them all the support, love, guidance and stability you can. They'll look back and thank you for it, believe me!

I very much resent both of my parents for their behavior during/after their separation. I really needed at least one of them to be the parent who put our (us children) needs first, that person in your situation needs to be you!

My dad did what he did and my mum reacted out of spite, don't be that person.

I believe some counselling for yourself and your girl's would be beneficial, I feel like that's something that would have been very helpful for me when I was experiencing it.

like
Anonymous

What I don’t understand is the new gfs in the situation. They usually have kids too, why do they get involved so quickly? Your answer makes sense to me.

like
Anonymous

Exactly! I really don’t understand why anyone would introduce a new partner to the kids so quickly. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

like
Anonymous

I'm the OP of this comment and I feel I can maybe shed some light on that too.

Some women are driven by loneliness, some a crippling fear of being alone, low self esteem plays a part too I believe. Some (and this all applies to men too) I think jump headfirst into new relationships because it masks the pain of unhealed wounds.

I always feel quite sad for people who are quick to find new partners, move in etc because I think they're almost always running from some kind of emotion intead of dealing with it.

like
Anonymous

I guess we just expect more from mothers, maternal instincts and all that. Lonely divorced dads thinking with their dick is so common, it’s a double standard, but yeah, these women have a lot to answer to. It’s more dangerous for the women imo, men more prone to violence, sexual abuse etc. however we read every day on this forum, women write in, been separated 16 months, 10 months pregnant, living together 12 months etc. always blows my mind when I do the maths. Crazy times.....

like
Anonymous

I work with the kids who tell the stories, what happened on the holiday? Mum and dad had a fight and now i have 2 stepsisters. And of course thats not the end, it goes on, something new every time you see them, poor kids.
I agree, get your kids into counselling and it will help you know how to handle it with them as well. And tell your ex theyre in to help them deal with 'all the fast changes' too, pass on the techniques they offer to try for some consistency between houses.

like
Anonymous

He has proven he doesn’t care for your opinion. Just focus on your time with them and having a healthy co parenting relationship with him and hopefully his new gf. Yes he’s being selfish but that’s life. Get the kids into counselling if they are struggling.

like
Anonymous

Have you told him all of this? Specially about the children waking upset? Could you maybe write it to him, he probably won’t fully listen cos he is in a new love bubble.
I agree with you reasoning, but maybe suggest the new gf not staying over when he has the children.. instead park time etc. It’s about the children, NOT the new partner when he (&you one day) have the children.
Please also think about counselling for your children & you.

like
Anonymous

I met my partner a month after splitting with my ex husband. We were only together 2 months when I introduced my kids to him. My boys were 4 and 6. We've now been together 10 years and married 6. My husband parents them but doesn't try replace their dad. Give the gf a chance. I personally think co parent yes but what he does in his house you have no control over

like
Anonymous

Just because you’re a selfish mother and it turned out okay for you, doesn’t mean she should do nothing about her selfish ex. Is it okay to be a murderer because someone else is? Her kids are hurting....can’t stand selfish parents that put their needs above their kids....

like
Anonymous

I don't understand how I'm selfish. I actually stayed in my first marriage an extra 2 years for my kids. I couldn't do it any more, I was 100% miserable and no longerin love. I did a year of counselling to build up my self-esteem and courage to leave. My current partner I've actually known for 20 years so I knew what he'd be like with my kids.

like