Hi IMs,
Please please be gentle with me and respectful. I've just found out my 13 year old daughter was raped last month when she snuck out of our house in the middle of the night with another girl and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.
She's always been pretty well behaved as far as the average kid her age is and I've never had any reason not to trust her, but recently she has been hanging out with this girl who seems set on a path to self destruction and her and my daughter have been getting involved in some things well beyond their years.
Last month they both snuck out of the house after 10 at night to go do I'm not sure what. My daughter and her friend both know how I feel about kids wandering the streets after dark and in fact her friend had only just been allowed back for a sleep over after her and another girl snuck out of my house together a few months back, and the only reason I'd allowed her to stay that night was because I'd started work at 6 in the morning and after picking up her and my daughter from a friends house I really couldn't be bothered driving her home so I let her stay. Big mistake! This happened about a month ago and understandably I have put an end to the friendship. Just as a side note my daughter would not even dream of sneaking out with any of her other friends where as this girl is known for doing it. Yes I am blaming her friend.
Fast forward to this week and at the beginning of the week my daughter was extremely distressed at school pickup time and when questioned she told me about a boy that had sent her a dick pick which had apparently been leaked and one of his female friends was threatening to bash my daughter because of it. Let's just ignore the fact that a 16 year old boy is sending dickpicks to a 13 year old girl shall we. Please note that this is not the boy who raped her.
The next day I get a phone call from the principal telling me that there was a situation yesterday etc. She then went on to tell me that my daughter had also sent him a naked selfie (turns out it was a bum pic and she was wearing undies but still!).
I'm horrified because this is one of the things we have discussed over and over and I honestly thought she was smarter than that. Anyway this has prompted me to go looking through her messages and one of the first messages I come across is from a boy let's call him Wayne.
"Oi c*nt why you saying that Brad (name changed too) raped you he didn't rape you you even told me that he didnt" (sic).
I'm in complete shock. I keep scrolling messages and I see one from her friend the day after it happened and she is saying "I'm sorry for what happened to you".
I find the messages from the rapist Brad asking my daughter if she would make it worth his while to sneak out his bedroom window and when she replys yes, he questions her further and asks how are you going to make it worth my while? She replies Idk. That boy snuck out of his house that night fully intending to have sex with my daughter. He even bought a condom!
I'm absolutely devastated and completely at a loss as to what to do so I have spent the last 2 days in a daze wondering how to bring it up with my daughter until she said to me "Don't act like you didn't screenshot my Instagram because I know you did". Ok so let's discuss the elephant in the room then now that you have brought it up. I told her that she had obviously seen what messages I had screenshot so she knows what I know. I told her I had scrolled a lonnnng way back through a LOT of messages. I told her about the first message I'd seen from Wayne and the condolence message from her friend which lead me to believe that she had had sex and that she hadn't wanted to. I asked her if she had snuck out intending to have sex with him that night, she said no. I asked if she wanted to do it. She said no. I asked if she told him she was a virgin. She said yes. I asked if she'd said I don't want to. She said yes. I said and he didn't care? She nodded. I said he just kept going anyway? and she nodded again. That's as much as I have been able to get out of her. She doesn't want to talk about it and she definitely doesn't want me to report it to the police because she said she will get bashed. I've decided to respect her decision at least for the time being as I've seen the movie Audrie and Daisy and how they were vilified after being raped, and they both committed suicide. I don't want that for my daughter but I also don't want this little *very severe swear word to think that he can continue to do this and think that he's not raping them because they're not kicking and screaming (I actually don't even know if my daughter was kicking and screaming, and she wouldn't tell me where her friend was while all this was taking place).
I want to message this rapist and educate him. I want to send him a few words like statutory rape, date rape, coercion. I want to tell him that he most definitely did rape my daughter. I want to tell him that no means no and "I'm a virgin", "I don't want to", and "stop" also mean no. I want to tell him that he may think he's getting away with it now but one day, maybe 10 years in the future when he has a nice little girlfriend, good job, and is looking at buying a house, someone is going to come forward and say he raped them. And when that one comes forward so will a whole lot of others and it's very hard to silence the voices of many women. Mothers please educate your son's. My daughter made a stupid decision that she will now have to live with for the rest of her life. No she shouldn't have been there in the first place but she didn't deserve to be raped for it. I am devastated that she was robbed of having her first time be with someone she loved. To be kissed and held and loved not f*cked in some football field and then dumped straight after. Literally the very next day the rapist was telling her to fuck off and that he wanted nothing to do with her again. She hadn't even been kissed before this.
So what would you wise women do? I've got absolutely no idea. I want to support my daughter and as I said reporting it is not an option but can I even go and get her counselling because aren't they mandatory reporters? Completely devastated. Please be kind.
TW My 13 year old daughter was raped and I don't know what to do
TW My 13 year old daughter was raped and I don't know what to do
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Mental Health, Parenthood Guilt, Behaviour
24 Replies
You absolutely need to get her into a professional to help her process this.
I also think you need to go to the police. She may not like you right now.. but as an adult how will she reflect on it?
She needs to heal!
I’m so sorry this has happened to her - big hugs!!
He absolutely needs some definite education on consent! How in this age are boys still not getting this message!!
You need to report this to the police. You also need to report the boy that sent the dic pic and received the photo from your daughter. That school sounds terrible. I would actually seriously think of moving her schools because of this.
Oh mumma, so your daughter was raped and you won't take her to the police because she is scared she will be bashed? No no no.
Go straight to the police. Pull her from that school immediately. Do not make her face another day.
I was 15 when an 17yo boy from school asked me to make it worth his while coming over. I said yes. I then didn't want to have sex and wanted to back out. He forced me/manipulated me to go through with it and it was horrible.
I had to then spend 2 more years at school seeing him day in, day out. It was horrid. His smug face, another one for his long list of girls he had done it to. And now he's famous, thinks he is top shit and gets so much attention from girls who throw themselves at him. I wish my mum had have taken me to the cops despite how much I didn't want her to at the same time. I wasn't old enough to make my own decision about that.
You both need separate professionals to help you through this.
You need someone to vent to who is safe and can talk strategies about how best to support your daughter.
Your daughter needs someone for herself who can help her.
Speak with your daughter again and put so no. Negotiable in place for her right now. take her to a dr to have a check up and put a health plan in place along with a mental health plan your daughter needs professional help to work through this please know that they are mandatory reporters
It’s time to change schools and speak with police around filing a report and ask in relation to protection for your daughter and steps that will happen if/once a report is made
You definitely need to involve the police. Sooner rather than later. Unfortunately, your questions were leading. The more you try to do, the harder it becomes for the police. You also can't withhold professional help from her for fear of social pushback. Put her in another school, home school.... whatever is needed.but she needs help more than anything.
This story is so sad. I hope none of what had happened will affect her in adulthood..police and councilling is where you need to start
You get your daughter and the phone and go to the police ASAP!! Get your daughter into see a psychologist gosh ASAP.! Only 2 steps you need to take right now. Don’t wait a Day longer.!!
If you don’t go to the police and get her help you will regret it for the rest of you life and she will suffer. She won’t get bashed at all. They will put an avo on any people involved. Stop being so silly and get her some bloody help! I know it sounds harsh but this is for your own good and your daughters. Can’t pretend it didn’t happen.! It may also stop others and this will help your daughter future by sorting it out ASAP!! She may hate you for a while but she is 13 and you are responsible for her! Not reporting it is irresponsible and you will regret it. The police will also put you on the right path to help. So wake up to yourself and get her some help now! No excuses! Report it! Ring the local police station and also for advice! She is 13!!!
Her punishment for leaving the house is your ignoring your 13 year old was raped! What lesson are you teaching her? she did the wrong thing and then this awful thing has happened to her. You need to go to the police. Stop protecting this monster. This is why rapist get away with it. Show your daughter that you are mum and you are going to the police and get her help because you care and love her. Don’t let her call the shots here. I know it’s awful but she doesn’t get a choice in this. This will affect her for ever. Get her some help now. Stay off work a few days and take her! As a mother I would never let this pass and not report it not get my child help. you are mum here remember that. Take charge and do what’s right.
What you are doing is by far making it worse. Go to the police now. Not tomorrow. Now. do not let this go because it’s what your daughter wants.
You don’t message a rapist. You take it to the police and let them question the rapist like he deserves. You don’t give him warning to come up with a story. You go to the police. How could you have not done this already. I also hope you have take away any technology from her and held the phone as evidence. Get her in the car and drive to that price station with her now. They also have people who specialise in this and will make her feel comfortable. The longer you leave it, it will be harder. Do it now.
As a Child Protection worker I'm telling you this needs Police involvement NOW. Stop questioning her as you could be corrupting the evidence the police need. You absolutely most NOT contact the boy under any circumstances.
As a Mum who has a child who was raped at the same age I'm going to advise you to get her into counselling. You need counselling as well.
Hug your daughter, tell her she will get through this and you will support her every step of the way.
I was raped when I was a kid and my mum never believed me so good on you for believing your daughter. She needs to see a councillor now and in the future. This will come up for her many times in the future and she should be encouraged to ask for help when she is struggling.
Some of the times I needed extra help in my life were
- first boyfriend
- first consensual sex
- moving in with my partner
- trying for a baby
Thank You for believing your daughter
I would call the police, move to the other side of the country, ban social media for 12 months, and get my child into intensive counselling.
Mumma please for the sake of your daughter take her to the police and press charges. You are teaching them that it is ok and the beginning of what this boy will continue to do. Be the voice your daughter needs and get the ball rolling. What she has been through is not ok at all. He is of legal age she is not.
Change her schools and get her some help
I totally understand your concerns fir reporting it , but it really needs to be . If you go and get therapy yes they do have to report it to the police and to child safety, which could end up in you being in trouble with child safety for not reporting it . Your daughter is going to need support , she needs to know that this was not her fault no matter how this happened this boy had no right to do what he did , if you don't report it. It not only sends the message to him he can get away with it , but it also sends the same message to your daughter and other girls . Back to I totally understand her fear and your fear for the repercussions of reporting , kids are bloody cruel and nasty . Kids also think this is acceptable behavior and the only way that will change is when people are BRAVE enough to report it . You should not have to live in fear but reality is your daughter will at school , you should not have to take her out of school , change schools or do homeschooling, or distance schooling , but it might be something you can look into to protect her . My high school kids are doing distance schooling ( wasn't really something we wanted to do) but it is awesome its like home schooling only there is a actual teacher still teaching them online . My heart hurts for both you and your daughter so much . Goodluck
We have been through something very similar to your situation . You also will need support don't forget yourself.
Please seek help for her. Yes they will report it but it is important that she gets help. My child was seriously sexualising assaulted when very young and I sought help for him which helped immensely. Child services will look into it too be prepared for that they called my sons school. The police will contact you to chat and will ask if you would like to press charges. The child responsible was a minor and I said no. I regret that now as he went on to be a teachers aid and works with children which is not appropriate. He was required to have intensive counselling aswell. Get support for yourself too xo
As a sexual assault victim, when my mum found out she wanted to report to police, I begged her not to as it was a few years after. I went to a counsellor and it was never reported to police.
Seek a counsellor for your daughter, it will help her.
Good luck mumma, you’re doing a great job
Wow, there is a lot to this story. Sorry this happened to your daughter.
Time to get her some help. She needs to see a professional and she needs to report this.
You are also looking at her through very rose coloured glasses.... everything is everyone else’s fault and your daughter would never do that....
Time to face facts, she is too young for a phone and she definitely shouldn’t have social media. I would be removing that ASAP.
I would also be monitoring her behaviour very carefully. Let her know that actions have consequences. She snuck out and that has consequences. No phone, no privileges until she earns your trust back.
She has way too many freedoms for a 13 year old.
The rape was no where near her fault and she needs to know that, be prepared that teenagers bend the truth to parents and she may not have told him she didn’t want it. She may have been scared and just let it happen. She needs to find her voice and confidence. Get her to see someone yesterday.
They are mandated to report.... if they believe the child is in danger, not when a child has made a dumb mistake. They will just help guide her through this and build her confidence to say no and potentially even give her confidence to report what happen.
Depending on the State you live in, you may be legally required to report this. Queensland has brought in laws that are very clear, if you know a child under 16 has had sex you must report it.
You also need to seek counselling for your daughter and yourself.
The place to start is with the sexual assault support service in your state. I don't know where you live but please contact 1800Respect (1800 737732) the 24/7 national sexual assault and family violence support service and they can refer you to the local sexual assault service provider. Once you have had an initial conversation with them you can discuss with the service how your daughter wants to be involved, what support she wants, what the options are re police etc. Depending on your state or might be mandatory for any adult to report sexual violence towards a child. It certainly is in Victoria. The sexual assault service is about supporting your daughter and your family through the process, talking about her rights and options and guidance about what to expect. They offer free counselling. I'm so so sorry this has happened to her and to your family. So incredibly painful.
Ps please don't blame her friend. Young women sneaking out don't want their friends to be raped. 100% of the fault lies with the perpetrator. Your daughter might also be grieving the loss of a friend who was a witness or at least understood what she has gone through. You might not fully trust her influence but maybe there is a safe way for them to have contact. This is a time if crisis for your daughter and she needs supportive friends. Also think about the message it sends to the friend- that somehow she was to blame. What does that say to her about who is to blame for sexual assault? How will she live with that trauma?
Firstly I’m so sorry your daughter has had to experience this.
Good on you for listening to your daughter by not reporting it. Doing this right now against her will, would unfortunately take even more away from her than what already has been. But do see this as a temporary action. “Wayne” needs to be stopped from doing this to another person. Perhaps with the right psychologist, education or even conversations from yourself and unwavering love and support she will understand why she needs to report this person and what he did to her. Your daughter is going to test you and herself whist she works through this and battles the healing process. You should both seek professional help, even if she is “fine”. It will creep in in other ways- perhaps like the photo of herself she sent.