How do I get my partner to understand?

Anonymous

How do I get my partner to understand?

Hi all,
My partner and I have been together for 4 years, I am currently pregnant with his first child and I have 2 kids from a previous relationship, son 11 years and daughter 9 years. My son has autism but very mild, this makes him extremely shy and quiet towards others. My ex has the kids in his care as he has better access to the facilities that my son needs in his town so I get the kids on school holidays as we live in different towns.
My partner has issues with my son and thinks he's rude because he doesn't come out and say hello or talk much to him and I've tried explaining to him that it's the way he is and he's not going to change and he needs to learn that it's part of his autism but he's just not understanding it at all and seems to be taking it personally, to the point he threatened that my son would not be allowed to our home next school holidays which I don't care what he says I will see both my kids wether he likes it or not.
How do I try to get him to understand this better? I am lost as to how to get through to him.

Posted in:  Relationships & Marriage, Kids, Aspergers & Autism

17 Replies

Anonymous

I have an ASD son (8). He's quite mild in most areas too. My problem is getting mine to STOP talking. Lol.

There are plenty of books & resources (just Google it) & online/FB groups if your partner is willing. Ask your child's psychologist for recommendations.

Try talks by Temple Grandin, or the movie (Clare Danes).

Resources with forums, book recommendations, etc.

https://www.autismawareness.com.au/

http://www.tonyattwood.com.au

Youtube videos of people explaining or showing what ASD is like.

He has to be willing, though. Good luck.

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Anonymous

He will only take on board the info if he wants to.

Does he have any understanding of autism at all? Has he ever met one of your sons therapist? OT, speech therapist? Has he seen/read any of your kids reports from specialists.

I think part of the problem will be that ‘it’s not real’ because he doesn’t actively see the therapy and supports your son requires. That’s not an excuse for his shitty behaviour though.

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Anonymous

He doesn't see any of support that my son needs even though he knows he goes to a different school for kids just like him. He says he understands but I don't think he really does coz to him he sees my son as normal coz the fact he has very mild autism u wouldn't really know he has it

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Anonymous

He doesn't understand at all but he thinks what he thinks is correct and all there is to it. Tell him to get educated. Do not put up with his bullshit attitude. Do not bend because you have a child, you'll lose your son. He needs to bend to stay there the right way, because he has a child.

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Anonymous

What happens if in the future you have full custody?
If your partner couldn’t handle that, he isn’t the partner for you.

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Anonymous

So glad you don’t have custody, that would be terrible for your son.
I have to ask, why are you having a baby and relationship with a man that feels like this about your current kids?
If anyone had that attitude toward my son, friend or lover, they would be gone.
If I’m honest, i would move to the town where my son gets treatment too, my kids always come first.

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Anonymous

Wow he really needs to grow up. Your kids are heading towards the teen years, how is he going to handle that? Not saying hello is very mild and he has threatened to cut him off already? No way would I be with a man that is trying to cut my own kids off from me! It's not even about getting him to understand autism. Autism or not this is very unacceptable! I would be gone or by the time your kids are adults they will want nothing to do with you. Trust me, my step mother was like this too and I blame my Dad for staying with her.

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Anonymous

Leave. Totally unacceptable to threaten your contact with your kids. What happens if your expected child has autism too?

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Anonymous

Sounds more like intense shyness than a result of very mild Autism . Being painfully shy, on its own is enough of an answer. It doesn't need further lables. He will come out of his shell in his own way when he's ready, he's obviously very uncomfortable around your partner. What a dick of a 'man'.

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Anonymous

As a person married to someone and mother of someone with Autism I disagree with your standpoint in him not greeting people and acknowledging them. You say his Autism is mild. I would be working with a speech or behavioural therapist to encourage this behaviour. It is in your sons best interest to encourage social interactions such as greetings.
I don’t agree with what you’ve stated your partner has said but I suspect if he gave his side of the story we would find there is far more to it than what you’ve stated.

People do need to understand ASD but we can’t follow them around forever saying “oh sorry it’s because of his autism”.

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Anonymous

As an autistic person and mother of an autistic person, this is terrible advice. Our job as parents isn’t to turn our beautiful kiddos into ‘normal’ acting people so that you are more comfortable around us. It’s to teach them to grow into being comfortable with their authentic selves, and gather a tribe of people who accept them as such. There is no ‘oh sorry, it’s the autism’. No apology needed. Simply acceptance. Especially within their own home.

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Anonymous

As a person married to someone and mother of someone with Autism I disagree with your standpoint in him not greeting people and acknowledging them. You say his Autism is mild. I would be working with a speech or behavioural therapist to encourage this behaviour. It is in your sons best interest to encourage social interactions such as greetings.
I don’t agree with what you’ve stated your partner has said but I suspect if he gave his side of the story we would find there is far more to it than what you’ve stated.

People do need to understand ASD but we can’t follow them around forever saying “oh sorry it’s because of his autism”.

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Anonymous

When its mild, awkwardism is not Autism , in fact it shouldnt even be basket labled at all if its too mild. It just becomes something to cling to as a reason for something when it doesn't have to be.

My own son who's 22 has mild Autism too but other than here, i have never used that lable to anyone for why he too is so quiet. He's quiet because he just is. Or as he calls it : Awkwardism.

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Anonymous

LEAVE HIM!! Your children come first

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Anonymous

Hm sounds like a bit of a red flag.

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Anonymous

Your children should come first. He’s either a dumb ass or a narcissist.

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Anonymous

So why is this suddenly an issue after 4 years? Why was this not addressed way back when and you’re only now asking advice now you’re pregnant and permanently linked to him.

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