I have seen a lot of posts on Facebook recently (not on this page just in general) about step parents.
I want to have a discussion about what others think is appropriate or not appropriate for step parents to do. Eg discipline and big decisions
(Remember others may have a different opinion and that is ok)
I’ll start with I’m a mum to a 14 year old girl and she has a step mum. She is a wonderful person.
(I know that’s not always the case)
I expect this woman to love and care for my child as tho she was hers. I have never had a problem with her disciplining my daughter.
If my daughter is misbehaving or being rude. I don’t expect the step mum to just ignore it. She has every right to discipline appropriately.
My daughter is at her dads and step mums so it’s their rules while she is there.
My opinion is discipline is apart of the step Mum treating my daughter as her own. I think it would unfair if she wasn’t allowed to have a say in that part.
However I do believe that decision regarding school and things like that is up to her dad an I. But if she has an opinion on these we do listen as she may think of things we haven’t. And go from there.
Also I think if a step parent is financially supporting the step child (even if the parent is) then they should most definitely have a say in things with discipline and what not.
What do other parents/step parents find appropriate or not appropriate?
18 Replies
It’s not a black and white answer. It will vary on the age of the child when the new partner came into the lives, how long they’ve been in there lives for, and wether they have a similar parenting style or not etc.
A recent partner is going to have 0-little input into a child’s parenting, but as they build a positive relationship that may change.
A new partner coming in and having an opposing parenting style to the parents is going to cause a toxic family environment for everyone and create chaos.
A partner coming onto the scene when a child is in the mid to late teens will not be able to step into a parent role, they will be able to call the teen out in some minor things (eventually) but the bulk of the discipline has to come from the parent. Just like as an auntie I can tell my niece (15) that something isn’t a good idea but I can’t ground her, take away a phone or similar. That’s up to her parents. I have no power in that relationship, and I shouldn’t.
How come in most cases it’s not ok for a step parent to discipline but it’s ok for teachers?
It's not.
It’s not what?
If you mean teachers. My children go to a school where they get detention if they misbehave. That is disciplining.
In my kids school, if a parent overrides detention then it stands in favour of the parent . it is not allowed to be enforced by a teacher without parental consent.
I believe that whatever adult is in charge at the time has the right to discipline if necessary. If that means chastising rude comments, removing devices if need be, time outs etc that's just common sense to me!
I find it quite bizarre that some people expect step parents to care for the child in question like their own but only if they relinquish their adult authority. It just doesn't work!
Everything else is case by case.
I mean, a step parent who's a main caregiver should certainly have a say in major life decisions such as schooling!
As should a step parent who contributes financially to raising that child.
It's very much whatever works for individual families
Yes this comment 100 times over.
I’m a step mum to a 11 year old been in his life since he was 3.
I financially contribute to raising him. But his mum does not want me to discipline.
She will happily leave him in my care during school holidays or after school while his dad is at work. But doesn’t want to say anything if he is playing up. Makes no sense to me.
I don’t expect to have a decision in big life decision. But if I’m unable to discipline where it is appropriate I don’t fine that ok.
Especially since I’m not a new person in his life.
In your case, you should 100% be involved in discipline, if she isn’t happy for you to discipline she shouldn’t be leaving the teen in your care.
Sometimes a stepparent may not be reasonable, or may constantly compare their own children to their stepchildren who they do not see as often and really expect to treat them the same way. It is not a one size fits all situation. I so often see children who hold resentment towards stepparents who try to discipline them. I think it's okay but I would be ensuring they have similar rules across households and remember that in some situations it is better for the bio parent to do the disciplining because honestly sometimes it's easier to hold resentment towards your stepparent. Also depends on if they have developed a relationship with the child. If a stepparent just expects to 'discipline' a child without having further involvement then this is usually not received well.
I don’t have an issue with other people disciplining my children as long as it is appropriate for the behaviour being displayed. I have been told by another adult that my kids’ stepmother has said that if her partner (my ex) disciplines her child she will come down even harder on his kids with me. That’s not on. If you are going to have a blended family where both adults have kids from previous relationships, then the kids need to be treated equally. Yes, there may be minor variations for each child - one of mine can be reasoned with in the moment while the other needs a time out to calm down first - but essentially it needs to be the same, and kids will pick up on when other are treated differently. My kids have come back from their father’s house complaining that their stepmothers kid had done something to them but as soon as they did the exact same thing back they got in trouble. Even their half brother can do what he wants while my kids get in trouble for everything.
When it comes to big decisions, the stepparent can have an opinion based on what happens at their house, but the final decision is made by the parents.
My husband is the step parent of my 16yo son and i give him full rights to that role to discipline because he's been his dad since my son was just 6 months old..
Hes the only dad my son knows. There isn't another one. If there were another parent actively or even partly in their lives, or if the step parent is relatively new, or if the communication between co parenting parties , bio and step, are well followed, my answer would be different.
Full time step mum, and I treat my skids as my own, and every child is treated the same. I make most decisions as I'm the one who deals with the school, Drs, specialists, and does 80% of the parenting. I buy most clothing, all school essentials. Currently in children's court as a derelict mother wants the kids back, and I'm having just as much input as the parents. I make most of the family decisions and we don't consult with the mother at all, as lwagallt we don't have too.
Kids don’t ask for step parents and the relationship should not be forced upon them. I see them as partners of the parents. Not parents. I wouldn’t be happy if my kids were disciplined by or left alone with Dads girlfriend. If he can’t look after them then send them home
Too me you seem bitter.
And people with that opinion are a reason step parents get a bad name. And make it harder on the child.
Because no doubt you speak badly of the step parent.
You have no place to say what goes on in their home.
Kids don't ask for the parents they're given, either. If my son didn't have his stepdad, he wouldn't have a dad at all since his sperm donor of a father only cares about stalking and controlling me.
I also adore my stepkids and love them like my own.
The kids just love having more people to love and adore them.
My partner and I have a big blended family. We have 4 kids between us, none together.
When it comes to mine, he is there every day. He treats my son no different to how he treats his own kids and my son adores him.
When it comes to his, I spend a good chunk of the weekends with the kids as he wants his children to experience a nurturing mother as he believes they don't have that at home. We're both very hands-on when it comes to parenting and don't hold back with any of the children. Our #1 rule in the house is the kids come first, always. If that means he needs to spend special time with his kids so they feel they're getting alone time with him, I am more than happy to facilitate that. If that means I need to spend more time with his kids to get them to feel more confident (especially in the early days) with me, I have no issue doing that.
Our dynamic is a bit complicated and there's a lot of moving parts. There's been a thousand hurdles We're still getting across but we both adore the kids. We're lucky in that one of his exes only cares about what's best for her child and his other ex doesn't care about the kids as long as she gets time off, so it's not really like I get shut out. My ex is useless and he takes no interest in our son so we have full control in that department. My partner sees me as sort of the "head of the household" so the kids see that and respect me. He backs me up when I need it and I do the same for him. We have a united front and the kids thrive when they're with us. The other parents can see that, too.
I am a stepmother to a wonderful nearly 4-year-old. Normally her Dad will do the serious disciplining (we have agreed I will never smack - though I'm more of a take things off her or give her a time out discipline style - in case her bio mum ever uses that against us). But I agree that we should be able to parent completely, we are helping parent and raise these children and love them as our own.
Yes, big decisions do come down to her Mum and Dad, but I am thankful when my opinions are heard because I only ever want what is best for her and sometimes I feel I see things differently because they both sometimes only see it from their custody battle point of view.
I like to think I have an ok relationship with her bio mum, we are polite and I always react positively to all her social media posts by both her and her partner.
I always disagreed with not being allowed to care for my step son when Dad had to go away for work on his own time. It was always “if you can’t take him he has to come back to Mum” it really made me feel like I was not good enough and that I was losing opportunities to really bond with him.